tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-50292554194444195132024-03-05T00:18:58.634-08:00A Different Kind of HappyExploring a joy-filled life because of the God who gives hope and meaning to every dayAlihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11039951526759234746noreply@blogger.comBlogger382125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5029255419444419513.post-2698239731324093082016-05-09T20:31:00.000-07:002016-05-09T20:35:37.628-07:00WholeIt's Mother's Day - the second that I've been a mama. In church this morning we started singing:<br />
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<span style="background-color: #ccccdd; box-sizing: border-box; font-family: "verdana" , "arial"; font-size: 13.3999996185303px; font-weight: 700; line-height: 19.1428565979004px; text-align: center;">"Broken Vessels (Amazing Grace)" by Hillsong</span><br />
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All these pieces<br />
Broken and scattered<br />
In mercy gathered<br />
Mended and whole<br />
Empty handed<br />
But not forsaken<br />
I've been set free<br />
I've been set free<br />
<br style="box-sizing: border-box;" />
Amazing grace<br />
How sweet the sound<br />
That saved a wretch like me<br />
I once was lost<br />
But now I'm found<br />
Was blind but now I see<br />
<br style="box-sizing: border-box;" />
Oh I can see you now<br />
Oh I can see the love in Your eyes<br />
Laying yourself down<br />
Raising up the broken to life<br />
<br style="box-sizing: border-box;" />
You take our failure<br />
You take our weakness<br />
You set Your treasure<br />
In jars of clay<br />
So take this heart, Lord<br />
I'll be Your vessel<br />
The world to see<br />
Your love in me<br />
<br style="box-sizing: border-box;" />
Amazing grace<br />
How sweet the sound<br />
That saved a wretch like me<br />
I once was lost<br />
But now I'm found<br />
Was blind but now I see<br />
<br style="box-sizing: border-box;" />
Oh I can see you now<br />
Oh I can see the love in Your eyes<br />
Laying yourself down<br />
Raising up the broken to life<br />
<br style="box-sizing: border-box;" />
Amazing grace<br />
How sweet the sound<br />
That saved a wretch like me<br />
I once was lost<br />
But now I'm found<br />
Was blind but now I see<br />
<i style="box-sizing: border-box;">[2x]</i><br />
<br style="box-sizing: border-box;" />
Oh I can see you now<br />
Oh I can see the love in Your eyes<br />
Laying yourself down<br />
Raising up the broken to life<br />
<br style="box-sizing: border-box;" />
Amazing grace<br />
How sweet the sound<br />
That saved a wretch like me<br />
I once was lost<br />
But now I'm found<br />
Was blind but now I see<br />
<i style="box-sizing: border-box;">[2x]</i><br />
<br style="box-sizing: border-box;" />
Oh I can see you now<br />
Oh I can see the love in Your eyes<br />
Laying yourself down<br />
Raising up the broken to life<br />
<i style="box-sizing: border-box;">[3x]</i></div>
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<i style="box-sizing: border-box;"><br /></i></div>
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<span style="box-sizing: border-box;">Before we had sung the first full verse I was in tears. As I sat there feeding my baby his bottle, watching his eyes see the people around us singing, his chubby hands grabbing the bottle, his tiny curls resting peacefully against my chest - and IT hit me: It's Mother's Day, and that part of me that longed to be a mama all those broken years, that part of me is not broken anymore. The part of me that felt I would never be who I was made to be IS who I was made to be. Not all women feel like being a mother in who they were created to be, but I did. There were ways that God made me a mother before I ever met Genesis. In the high school girls I led in Bible study for so many years, in my best friends girls who called me "MamaLicia", in the students who called me "Mama Wenzek", even in my role as live in caregiver - I felt that maternal part of me come alive in each of these situations and I am so grateful. But I was still very broken. Some brokenness never heals this side of eternity I believe, because we live in a messed up broken world. BUT Jesus is the Redeemer Who brings beauty from ashes and binds up the brokenhearted and sets the captive free. His grace is truly amazing. </span></div>
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<span style="box-sizing: border-box;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="box-sizing: border-box;">I couldn't see Him clearly in those times of pain. When I realized my dream of carrying a baby would never come true I couldn't see the love in His eyes. I couldn't see that His grace could carry me through. I felt the broken pieces and edges of my life and dreams and I couldn't fully see how He could redeem this. Over the years, I kept coming to Him, offering Him my broken pieces and even when parts of my heart healed I never imagined I could feel this whole while on earth. I knew that He was with me and that His love was enough and that someday in heaven I would feel whole. </span></div>
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<span style="box-sizing: border-box;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="box-sizing: border-box;">This morning looking down at my sweet baby clapping his hands to the music, I realized that I feel whole in a way I never thought possible on earth. I felt content. I know I should feel content in Him no matter what, but I still longed to be a mama. He took the imperfections and brokenness of my life and brought something I couldn't have planned out even if I tried. In my grief and loss all those years ago He knew that there would be this little baby boy with perfect skin, soft curls, and big brown eyes with just a hint of lavender. He knew that he, because of the messiness and brokenness of the world, would need a mama. He knew that our paperwork would land in just the right moment for his emergency placement for adoption. He knew that Genesis' birth mother would ask for a couple with no children in the home yet, He knew that we would have just lost baby Judah and have a nursery ready for a baby boy. He knew all of this and more. And He looked with love in His eyes and He probably wished He could just tell that grieving 26 year old that her dreams wouldn't come true the way she planned, but that they would be even better. He probably wanted to tell me that even though whole was the last thing I felt in those horrible months and years that I would someday sit in a Mother's Day service and feel like Someone had taken the pieces that were scattered and broken and glued them all together with superglue - not forgotten scars, but healed and whole in His beautiful redemption. </span></div>
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<span style="box-sizing: border-box;">I'm whole. Not because I now have a child, but God has used this child to show me His redemption and His beautiful grace. Someday I'll be even more whole when I see my Redeemer face to face, but until then I'll rejoice in the moments of wholeness I feel because of His redemption here on earth.</span><br />
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<span style="box-sizing: border-box;">I'm living the life I feel like I was made to live and that is only by His grace.</span></div>
Alihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11039951526759234746noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5029255419444419513.post-51832118180581586302015-11-24T08:15:00.001-08:002015-11-24T08:20:18.553-08:00Remembering JudahA year ago we found out that the baby we called Judah, was not going to come home to us. I remember so clearly getting off the phone and feeling like I couldn't breath. I remember quietly closing the nursery door. I remember breathing prayer after prayer for him and his birth mom (who he wasn't with but we're praying he's back with her now). I remember wondering who was holding him and willing him to feel as loved as he was. I remember the moment I stopped pumping milk for him, and telling my Farmer Boy that I was done as tears ran down my face. I remember feeling like such a fool for having loved him before we met him. I remember the shocked emails from the social workers and their apologetic: "We didn't see this coming". I remember returning to work a week later and a sweet co-worker giving me a white lily with tears in her eyes. I remember students notes of love. I remember a few comments that hurt about how we shouldn't have let ourselves hope so big, even when we were chosen for him. I remember thinking how at least he was very prayed for by us in those weeks leading up to his birth, and how I was glad that I had allowed myself to love him because I knew it meant I would be praying for him for the rest of my life. I remember how waiting for him to be born I felt more like a mother than ever before in my life. I remember how I looked at the ultrasound picture one more time before deleting the files. I remember waves of excitement being replaced with waves of grief. I remember wondering how big he was, what he looked like, what kind of baby he was. <br />
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I still wonder. Did he have a wonderful first birthday? Is he walking and saying a few words? Does he have a lot of hair? How big is he? What does he love to eat? I'll probably always wonder things about him. And that's ok. <br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj2W6oOISAg8ehks0tlF6SO7zjfTsjrW3zH3-kGjud22-zhG8PrzUJ3PUw2Puo0nK6mBKzG7_2VTWL63Jhlb4U5qc6-xU9TdfOCz3lR_aiBKY89mT-guEhyphenhyphenkfIuaJzmioisjX9rCCG2Es0/s1600/Baby+Boy+announcement.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="213" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj2W6oOISAg8ehks0tlF6SO7zjfTsjrW3zH3-kGjud22-zhG8PrzUJ3PUw2Puo0nK6mBKzG7_2VTWL63Jhlb4U5qc6-xU9TdfOCz3lR_aiBKY89mT-guEhyphenhyphenkfIuaJzmioisjX9rCCG2Es0/s320/Baby+Boy+announcement.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">The announcement we sent to family when we found out we were chosen and he was a boy!</td></tr>
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I remember you today Judah. And I'm still praying for you sweet baby boy. <br />
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Please join me in praying that he is able to be with his birth mom and that they are in a safe place now. Alihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11039951526759234746noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5029255419444419513.post-71686389423865146572015-10-24T19:07:00.000-07:002015-10-24T19:07:58.187-07:00Cuddles and diapers and cars and crackers and applesauce ... I just realized that I haven't written in ... almost 7 months!?!? What? So, life with a baby has been a grand adventure and a lot of work, but honestly waaaay more fun than I could have imagined! (seriously, I love it more than I knew I could love doing anything ever!). I thought to ease back into blogging I would share a little of what we've been up to these last 7 months!<br />
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One of the biggest parts of our life has been MOVING - we moved not only to a different state, but across the ocean! With a 6 month old! We spent 2 months staying with family and then moved into our new house (renting from Joshua's wonderful Grandpa!) we love our huge backyard garden/farm where we now have chickens and 2 kittens! Decorating a woodland nursery for Genesis has been a huge highlight for me. I often go into the nursery just to relax and enjoy the fact that I have a nursery in my house!!! Genesis loves to play and look at books in there too - not so much sleeping goes on there but that's ok. ;) We're super excited to be closer to family and we loved spending time with cousins, grandparents, aunts and uncles this summer!<br />
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Genesis is growing into such a fun and interactive baby! We love him more every moment and are amazed by him constantly. He crawls everywhere really fast, and he loves to sing and dance. His favorite toys right now are car type toys (a wooden bunny with wheels his great grandma made) and balls. He LOVES trees which he has loved all his life really! He loves the kittens and going outside with his Papa and digging in the dirt (and eating it!). His first word was either "Papa" or "kitty", and he says "mama" but only when he is crying or pooping (which he often does IN THE POTTY!) We're still nursing which is such a gift and I love having this bond with him! I wish I could have nursed without a nursing bottle, but I am so grateful that I have any of my own milk to give him! (maybe I'll write a post just about adoptive breastfeeding at some point because seriously it's crazy!). <br />
I may go back to work soon, and I am treasuring every moment (and every blessed afternoon nap which I religiously take with him every day - lucky me!!!) with him just at home together. It's bliss. Except for the screaming, and peeing and stinky cloth diapers ... that's not so much bliss but everything else is, oh except the not sleeping well at night part - that is the hardest on me I think ... but everything else is bliss. I am in love with being a stay at home mom and I will treasure this time we have had forever! <br />
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Well, I don't think I am expressing well what an incredible child he is ... so here are some pictures to let you see a bit into our everyday. :)<br />
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Sleeping sweet baby at 3- 4 months</td></tr>
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Tummy time with mama</td></tr>
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Nursing 4 months</td></tr>
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Goodbye Hawaii - 6 months!</td></tr>
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Mama's teacher's aide in the high school 6 months!</td></tr>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg_tAAxx4LXOy89vHHflCABlmUxnxNnouXrfy4qXqO8z8mdNTs4X_bHtzeVf_IRVA6Lv0zfc5rZZsGNB1sJDwdIt_KXzMVTWy7peGvdmjpz5255ZcNQV4WwYvfVnf-LW6Uo15W5Lz6Gmgs/s1600/Gen+in+stroller+9+months.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg_tAAxx4LXOy89vHHflCABlmUxnxNnouXrfy4qXqO8z8mdNTs4X_bHtzeVf_IRVA6Lv0zfc5rZZsGNB1sJDwdIt_KXzMVTWy7peGvdmjpz5255ZcNQV4WwYvfVnf-LW6Uo15W5Lz6Gmgs/s320/Gen+in+stroller+9+months.jpg" width="320" /></a><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEidQ4PtUSspkhAziil9s1cjdy0zRa4XumpzsnvDUzFjHzVHggmtwdbQvXOGu56nSXxK4g9PiCg1t0Nnxo_fZTvj-2B3jG97b3NZ8etsbiLi6SwWTCXsux_P_Rr5BaoxjtoNnD2-9G7sDc0/s1600/Gen+7+months.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEidQ4PtUSspkhAziil9s1cjdy0zRa4XumpzsnvDUzFjHzVHggmtwdbQvXOGu56nSXxK4g9PiCg1t0Nnxo_fZTvj-2B3jG97b3NZ8etsbiLi6SwWTCXsux_P_Rr5BaoxjtoNnD2-9G7sDc0/s320/Gen+7+months.jpg" width="240" /></a><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi1E93v8Z3dUOM-od49QRmVWUJG7nvSu8q_99DdIptAE3zU9MREeXhtDu6nvqwf_eDDr50dFi_wHQmw7xH4JL7CjSFVWAipYq8L18eKp-wPSQhBvpft_D3RMNsov24XxY0XmbALo1QY3GQ/s1600/Gen+10+months.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi1E93v8Z3dUOM-od49QRmVWUJG7nvSu8q_99DdIptAE3zU9MREeXhtDu6nvqwf_eDDr50dFi_wHQmw7xH4JL7CjSFVWAipYq8L18eKp-wPSQhBvpft_D3RMNsov24XxY0XmbALo1QY3GQ/s320/Gen+10+months.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj0tH4f4bfamEBdiZLuT6K78wm1bzpSQ8QnDOBHH7tbUULy3Zc88tjlz0v_ermzti53dS40URY282Qz8miJ_LrX7bMukX5NlOmxcEUO_aQOftKmEoHOzsaley7s3aVBq7F1L63jVBTUmwk/s1600/Gen+with+pumpkin.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj0tH4f4bfamEBdiZLuT6K78wm1bzpSQ8QnDOBHH7tbUULy3Zc88tjlz0v_ermzti53dS40URY282Qz8miJ_LrX7bMukX5NlOmxcEUO_aQOftKmEoHOzsaley7s3aVBq7F1L63jVBTUmwk/s320/Gen+with+pumpkin.jpg" width="240" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Pumpkin and Papa</td></tr>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgTTafL44uUyFAg2eIZPjQsJQmNNNSfJVcoOEhB6ejN6bdZxrx42DuCoQr7rorMmiktbUHBC5oV39aVErdRpBmMAXlal2-UNSoaYeWF5WtgG5qYwOR7j39LhqWuMGoCWTimJRT3UtGDHgk/s1600/Gen+in+garden+10+months.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgTTafL44uUyFAg2eIZPjQsJQmNNNSfJVcoOEhB6ejN6bdZxrx42DuCoQr7rorMmiktbUHBC5oV39aVErdRpBmMAXlal2-UNSoaYeWF5WtgG5qYwOR7j39LhqWuMGoCWTimJRT3UtGDHgk/s320/Gen+in+garden+10+months.jpg" width="240" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Can you find the baby? In our fall garden </td></tr>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjrs8Qa5jmhmMPYn6EYtUUfI86qcTU0KIPeqtQGR0JDRe63bs6zJE_MVAnH_eZ5hqOFWWwzSjd8-tZsZ9Vw2QMRYaD6Ov5-kc32VQxJOP5CzDwkudaQpwi3uR0NAGYXFgPeR7V88_63Bls/s1600/Gen+with+book+9+months.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjrs8Qa5jmhmMPYn6EYtUUfI86qcTU0KIPeqtQGR0JDRe63bs6zJE_MVAnH_eZ5hqOFWWwzSjd8-tZsZ9Vw2QMRYaD6Ov5-kc32VQxJOP5CzDwkudaQpwi3uR0NAGYXFgPeR7V88_63Bls/s320/Gen+with+book+9+months.jpg" width="240" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">He loves books!</td></tr>
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Well - there's a look at what we've been up to these past 7 months! Not sure if it will be that long before I update again - but if it is you'll know it's because I have the cutest little buddy to hang out with these days! We feel very grateful!<br />
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<br />Alihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11039951526759234746noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5029255419444419513.post-54071988108325677622015-04-24T14:17:00.001-07:002015-04-24T14:17:57.517-07:00GratefulI have had a long history of being stubborn and trying to be independent, and to NOT need anything from anyone. I have had almost as long of a history of being humbled, shown my weaknesses, and NEEDING others in my life. It's been an uncomfortable journey, but I am learning how God never intended us to walk alone on this journey of life. He created us for community, and to be there to help each other. Somehow I feel like I have been on the receiving end way too much - but again it's humbling (which apparently I need).<br />
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We knew when we set out to adopt, or pretty soon after, that it would be a hard road, we had NO idea how incredibly hard. I had heard adoption was expensive with all the fees and such, but I had no clue how expensive it was going to be for us. Most people that I know who have adopted outside foster care, have had auctions, fundraisers etc. It's uncomfortable. The apostle Paul talks about helping others in Galatians 6:2 "Bear one another's burden's and so fulfill the law of Christ." The Bible also says that if one doesn't work he shouldn't eat - alluding to the fact that no one who is unwilling to work should be mooching off of those who ARE hardworking. It's a balance that is often misunderstood and uncomfortable.</div>
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When I came home from surgery that December 10 years ago I was given the first gift toward our adoption fund by my sister. She had knitted me a baby sweater (which is pink so I guess we need to adopt a girl next!) and the money was enclosed in the gift. It was only 10 days after my major surgery, and I broke down crying when I saw her loving thoughtfulness and the hope she had for my someday babies, even before I could fully comprehend what I had lost in that operating room. After that I started saving all my change in a jar marked "For the Babies". </div>
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The gifts started slowly coming in as people heard that my dream was to adopt. Some of the girls in my Bible study would save their coins too, one day we found $500 in my car after church ... When my Farmer Boy and I got married, we decided to ask for gifts toward our adoption account instead of registering for tons of household gifts. </div>
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We have been overwhelmed time and time again by the generosity of our friends and family. We had one friend offer to give us a huge amount which was a part of an inheritance. We were floored. There is NO way we could have adopted baby Genesis without her generosity, without every one of the dollars given to help us get here. We had another person offer to give us a private loan for the lawyer and birth mom fees that were due the day we found out he was going to be ours. Again, without that we would have had to walk away. When we began getting closer last year I started 2 extra home jobs on top of both of us working 60+ hours a week teaching to try and earn the money needed to adopt. We wanted so badly to be able to afford this adoption without any more help!</div>
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We took out 2 loans on top of all the money we were given, and still that wasn't enough. Since we lots baby Judah after we had entered into an adoption agreement we lost a hefty lawyer's retainer and birth mom expenses (almost the entire first loan amount), we literally had no idea how we would be able to cover this adoption. We thought about the potential of not being able to cover the adoption and considered saying no (shudder), but we just felt like he was placed in our radar for a reason, and we should step out in faith that all the details would fall into place. </div>
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On his one month birthday we were flown via private jet to a bigger hospital because he was in respiratory distress from the RSV virus. His insurance hadn't gone through yet - but we prayed and filled out the insurance formed. Thankfully his insurance went through, but the co-payments for 5 days in the hospital plus emergency services were enough to push us over the top with absolutely no way to even make payments on top of the loan payments. Again, we were given gifts to help cover many of the fees and we are so grateful!</div>
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I guess I just wanted to take this opportunity to shout out to every person who has given from $5 to thousands! It is uncomfortable and brings us to our knees in gratitude to accept the help for what we COULD NOT do on our own. You have (and are) helping make our dream of having a family come true. You are part of our miracle!!! "Thank you" doesn't cut it, but it's what I will be saying until the day I die. THANK YOU!!! Every morning I wake up and see the smile of the most beautiful child on earth - because of YOUR faithful sharing and loving! We are overwhelmed. </div>
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Here are some pictures to let you see how you have helped changed our life!</div>
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Here is a link to see the beautiful giving record: <a href="http://www.youcaring.com/adoption-fundraiser/baby-genesis-adoption-and-medical-expences/207715#">Adoption Fundraiser</a></div>
Alihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11039951526759234746noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5029255419444419513.post-41182987686972540032015-03-16T02:11:00.000-07:002015-03-16T02:11:05.619-07:00Smiley BabySweetest Little Baby,<br />
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Three months ago right now we were about to board a flight headed over the wide vast Pacific ocean to meet you. We hadn't even known you were ours for 8 hours yet and we were about to have you placed into our arms. What a three months this has been! We have learned and grown so much in the last three months, and experienced a lifetime full of joys, sadness and awe. We still feel like this is a wonderful dream and we still feel like we are the most luckiest of all people to be YOUR parents, Genesis Evan. We love you more than we knew it was possible to love. You are our son, and our lives will never be the same. Here are some of the moments (joy filled and tear filled) we have been having over these three months:<br />
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(photo by Constance Starks)</div>
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* Seeing your cousin Evie hold you for the first time you were just a little over 2 weeks old - her 2 year old reaction was the reaction I think we all have had on the inside when we realize all that God has done in giving you to our family. As soon as I placed you in her arms you she said: "CUUUTEEE!" and then let out the most joyful belly laugh! She kept looking at you and then laughing and she was positively shaking with joy at the amazing miracle that you are. You are so loved sweet boy - but all your grandparents, aunties, uncles, cousins, friends ... I often tell you that you are the most loved baby in all the world.<br />
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* Carrying you into our home. Being home with our sweet baby at 3 weeks old - just the three of us. Absolute bliss. We just stared at you and cuddled you and I nursed you and your Papa took pictures of you and laughed as you tried to suck your thumb. We became a family. <br />
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* Your first "cold". The first night we were home you started to seem sick - we all had a cold, but yours progressed into trouble breathing so about a week after coming home we took you to the ER where they got worried because you were so tiny and your cough was so bad and your oxygen level was too low. So they sent you and me on a medical jet (a jet so small they were afraid I might not be able to go with you - that was some of the worst fear of my life thinking they might take you away and I would have to follow on the different flight!) in the middle of the night on your first month birthday to a bigger hospital. We were stuck an island away from the Papa and without family or close friends - but God sent some angels to us who brought me coffee, and clothes and brought you cuddles. The morning after we were flown you were so weak and I leaned over the crib where you were tethered with tons of wires and tubes. You let out a weak whimper and I said: "Baby, I know you feel horrible, but you are strong and you need to fight hard to keep breathing, you can make it through this. FIGHT hard baby, don't leave us." The doctors kept saying how babies with what you had stop breathing and how dangerous it is - you had RSV. We spent 5 days in the hospital. Such a hard way to start our life together, but it bonded you and I even more I think. <br />
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* Hearing your Papa read to you, and hearing how you love to coo and "talk" to him. You love interacting with your Papa. You turn to Mama for comfort and going to sleep, but you enjoy your Papa for just handing out and being buddies together. I love seeing his huge hands holding your tiny self. You are protected so well by him Genesis.<br />
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* The day I went back to work, I always wanted to be a stay at home mama - and someday I will be, but for now we need me to be working. So I went back after just 6 weeks with you. The first day I dropped you off I felt like part of me was missing. As I drove away from the babysitter's house I glanced in the baby mirror reflected in the rear-view mirror and my heart dropped when I didn't see your little face. I hadn't left you for longer than a few minutes since the moment I laid eyes on you - and it felt so wrong to be without you. It's been about 6 weeks working now and I still feel like a part of my body is missing when I'm away from you. Hardest thing by far of being your mama up to now.<br />
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* The first time you reached up and touched my face - and left your little fingers on my chin. I melted.<br />
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* The day when I came home from work and you smiled and got soooo excited to see me! I felt like the most popular person in the world!<br />
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* Your laughing in your sleep - you've done it almost from day one, and you just started doing it when you're away over the past week. It's THE BEST.<br />
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Thank you sweet boy, for making our lives so full. We love you.<br />
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~ Your Mama<br />
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<br />Alihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11039951526759234746noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5029255419444419513.post-41542787329140373172014-12-23T22:24:00.000-08:002014-12-23T22:24:15.356-08:00A New Beginning<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">I almost fell down the stairs when I read the following text message from our social worker: <i>"New mommy and daddy come get me! (birth mom) signed!"</i></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">I'll remember that text for the rest of my life, because it was the moment I knew I was for sure going to be a mama.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">It was only 3 weeks since we had lost the little baby boy we had decided to name Judah. Our hearts were broken beyond anything we had felt. Then one day at work I saw a call from our social worker and I called her back because it was my planning period. She said that she had a question about our home study and what ethnicity we were comfortable adopting. She said there was a birth mom and they were considering us as their top choice (it was an agency adoption) and as long as the birth mom signed the baby would be ours. My head started spinning - but I made it through the rest of the day teaching and casually mentioned it to my Farmer Boy after work. We both were very casual about it, and decided that we wouldn't say anything to anyone because we were convinced that it would fall apart again.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">But, deep in my heart I began to dream and I started calling the Baby "Button" when I prayed for him (we didn't know he was a boy yet).</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">We heard about the possibility on a Wednesday. The baby was due on December 29, so we decided that we would wait through Christmas and see what would happen, especially since we were sure it wasn't going to materialize for us.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">On Saturday morning the 13th, we were sleeping in (for the last time in our lives probably!) when Joshua's phone rang. He answered and told me with his eyes that it was our social worker. He put it on speaker phone and she said: "The baby has been born, it's a boy, he is 6 lbs 6 oz (off by an ounce) and he scored 9/9 on his apgar test ... and are you sure you want to adopt him because if not I need to find another adoptive family." I think I almost choaked on my words because I tried to say them so fast - "YES WE'RE IN!!!!" Then we sat in our bed and got a little teary and prayed for him, prayed that even if he wasn't our baby that he would be blessed and so loved in his life, we prayed for his birth mom and the whole situation. Then I started cleaning the house. That night Joshua was in the Christmas parade on a float playing and singing a Christmas song with students at our school, and I was chaperoning the high school winter ball. I kept thinking of this little baby boy, but I kept telling myself that it wasn't likely to happen.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">When I got home that night there was a new stocking hanging above the fireplace in between our two stockings. :) My farmer boy was starting to dream too.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgfBYJpzq2UEI7ixkJDgsA9FG44GAyhbRiYQGWMkf7tP_dUsd-tE9NQXRf7DR8A_tF6krnUr53JtlAYpws2dt617iymxEHwwNENJv4QAKKs9nmT_u6jQBbYuTjWDIh1BzaM3IYRqCJE088/s1600/Christmas+stockings+baby.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgfBYJpzq2UEI7ixkJDgsA9FG44GAyhbRiYQGWMkf7tP_dUsd-tE9NQXRf7DR8A_tF6krnUr53JtlAYpws2dt617iymxEHwwNENJv4QAKKs9nmT_u6jQBbYuTjWDIh1BzaM3IYRqCJE088/s1600/Christmas+stockings+baby.jpg" height="240" width="320" /></a></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">Monday was the longest day of my life. We knew that birth mom was supposed to sign adoption papers that day, but we didn't know when. We were at work, but not telling anyone except our bosses - so I was trying to teach while discretely cleaning up my room, getting all the finals printed and sub plans made, all checking my phone obsessively. But there was no word. By the end of the day I was feeling stressed with naking copies buttoning down my room and getting to a doctor appointment I had, all while feeling that for sure the birth mom had run away and it wasn't our baby after all. A couple co-workers noticed my stress and asked if they could help - so I told them what was going on and I almost started crying because I said that we were so afraid that we were loosing another baby, and I was (still am) grieving the loss of Judah. Then I rushed off to my appointment, and was texting the social worker who said that birth mom was in a meeting supposed to sign - and when I was walking out the door my cell beeped and it was the social worker with the text I will never forget. I literally was almost falling down the stairs and the security guard said: "don't fall down, are you ok?" Then I called Joshua and said: "You're a Papa". He was shocked and so so happy. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">The date was December 15th. Exactly 10 years earlier I had woken from surgery to hear that I would never be able to carry a child. The date that always reminded me of what I had lost, from now on will remind me of the day I found out I was going to be a mama. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;"><i><br /></i></span>
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;"><i>Redemption.</i></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">We rushed around getting tickets - we ended up on the last 2 seats on the 11;05 pm flight out of Kona Monday night. The <i>last two seats on the last flight out</i> that night. We had a 2-3 hour layover in Washington and my amazing Mama drove for 2 hours to give us a hug. We barely made it to the airport before we had to leave to catch our next flight. She pulled up the the drop-off zone and jumped out I ran to her and we grabbed onto each other and started sobbing. It felt like a crazy movie and people were looking at us and we were sobbing and hugging like we hadn't seen each other in years. She brought a blanket her mom had made. That hug was epic and I felt so so loved. Tuesday (one week ago today) we landed in the city where our baby was. When we touched down I felt so excited - we were near to our Baby. Thankfully Josh has family here and so we were so so blessed to be met at the airport and have had a wonderful place to stay with loving wonderful relatives. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">We took a nap, took a shower and went to meet our Baby at the adoption agency office at 6:15 on the 16th. We walked in and I was disappointed to hear that we needed to sign papers and go through details and that the foster mom wouldn't be bringing him until around 7. I don't think I've ever signed my name so fast - I just wanted to have my son in my arms and to know that he was ours. Suddenly, around the corner came a lady carrying a fuzzy blanket with cars on it (he was so little I couldn't even see him in the blanket) - she was singing "We wish you a Merry Christmas!" and before I knew it the tiniest little baby wearing red and white striped jammies with a reindeer on them, was being placed in my arms. I just stared and stared. His jammies were so so big, and I noticed how long he was and how skinny. His little lips were perfect. He was sleeping. I kept saying: "my baby, hi my baby, my baby". </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;"> But, I didn't react like I thought I would - it didn't seem real. The foster mom said: "What's his name" and I couldn't say anything - it seemed like we couldn't be naming him! Joshua said in such a proud Papa voice: "Genesis Evan".</span><span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">He didn't almost seem real. We took pictures, I stared and stared at him. I was vaguely aware of the social worker and foster mom talking in the background but I couldn't pull my eyes off of him. I wanted to feel like he was mine, but I was in shock and I just kept thinking how tiny he was and how cute. Finally, they said we could leave, and we put him in the car seat and walked out to the car. I sat next to him in the back and fed him a bottle. Then we stopped at Walgreens to get something, and we called our families to tell them his name and how cute and relaxed he was. Our families were so so excited and shocked! In just 24 hours we went from finding out that we were going to have this baby as our own to having him in our arms. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">We then went back to the home where we are staying and introduced him to our aunt and uncle. When we finally went into our room, I sat on the bed and started to feed him. Suddenly I started to cry. I kept picturing myself as a three year old pretending to nurse my dollies, and I couldn't believe that my dream from my childhood was coming true. I was a Mama. I was this perfect Baby's mama! It was overwhelming. It's funny that it took my heart about 4 hours after he was placed in my arms until I realized that I was his mama. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">I'm a mama. My Farmer boy is a papa. Genesis Evan (meaning new beginning and God is gracious) is our son. Forever.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">This passage I randomly read the morning of December 15, 2004 before I went into surgery - 10 years later I am that rejoicing woman I had wondered if would ever exist. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;"><br /></span>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;"><i>Isaiah 54:1-2 </i></span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;"><span style="background-color: white; font-size: 16px; line-height: 24px;"><i>Sing, barren woman,</i></span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;"><i><span class="indent-1" style="-webkit-font-smoothing: antialiased; background-color: white; box-sizing: border-box; font-size: 16px; line-height: 24px;"><div style="text-align: center;">
<span class="indent-1-breaks" style="-webkit-font-smoothing: antialiased; box-sizing: border-box; font-size: 0.42em; line-height: 0;"> </span><span class="text Isa-54-1" style="-webkit-font-smoothing: antialiased; box-sizing: border-box; position: relative;">you who never bore a child;</span></div>
</span><span class="text Isa-54-1" style="-webkit-font-smoothing: antialiased; background-color: white; box-sizing: border-box; font-size: 16px; line-height: 24px; position: relative;"><div style="text-align: center;">
burst into song, shout for joy,</div>
</span><span class="indent-1" style="-webkit-font-smoothing: antialiased; background-color: white; box-sizing: border-box; font-size: 16px; line-height: 24px;"><div style="text-align: center;">
<span class="indent-1-breaks" style="-webkit-font-smoothing: antialiased; box-sizing: border-box; font-size: 0.42em; line-height: 0;"> </span><span class="text Isa-54-1" style="-webkit-font-smoothing: antialiased; box-sizing: border-box; position: relative;">you who were never in labor;</span></div>
</span><span class="text Isa-54-1" style="-webkit-font-smoothing: antialiased; background-color: white; box-sizing: border-box; font-size: 16px; line-height: 24px; position: relative;"><div style="text-align: center;">
because more are the children<span class="crossreference" data-cr="#cen-NIV-18725D" data-link="(<a href="#cen-NIV-18725D" title="See cross-reference D">D</a>)" style="box-sizing: border-box; font-size: 0.625em; line-height: 22px; position: relative; top: 0px; vertical-align: top;"></span> of the desolate<span class="crossreference" data-cr="#cen-NIV-18725E" data-link="(<a href="#cen-NIV-18725E" title="See cross-reference E">E</a>)" style="box-sizing: border-box; font-size: 0.625em; line-height: 22px; position: relative; top: 0px; vertical-align: top;"></span> woman</div>
</span><span class="indent-1" style="-webkit-font-smoothing: antialiased; background-color: white; box-sizing: border-box; font-size: 16px; line-height: 24px;"><div style="text-align: center;">
<span class="indent-1-breaks" style="-webkit-font-smoothing: antialiased; box-sizing: border-box; font-size: 0.42em; line-height: 0;"> </span><span class="text Isa-54-1" style="-webkit-font-smoothing: antialiased; box-sizing: border-box; position: relative;">than of her who has a husband,<span class="crossreference" data-cr="#cen-NIV-18725F" data-link="(<a href="#cen-NIV-18725F" title="See cross-reference F">F</a>)" style="box-sizing: border-box; font-size: 0.625em; line-height: 22px; position: relative; top: 0px; vertical-align: top;"></span>”</span></div>
</span><span class="right" style="-webkit-font-smoothing: antialiased; background-color: white; box-sizing: border-box; font-size: 16px; line-height: 24px; margin-left: 2em;"><div style="text-align: center;">
says the <span class="small-caps" style="-webkit-font-smoothing: antialiased; box-sizing: border-box; font-variant: small-caps;">Lord</span>.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
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Genesis sees his Mama for the first time</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
</span></i></span>Alihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11039951526759234746noreply@blogger.com8tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5029255419444419513.post-26935824652138721642014-11-27T14:28:00.001-08:002014-11-27T14:28:40.974-08:00Still ThankfulIt's Thanksgiving day. There is a turkey in the oven and pumpkin pie all ready. And all I can think of is a tiny baby bib that says: "My First Thanksgiving". My Farmer Boy picked out the bib on the night we found out that we were chosen to adopt a newborn baby boy. He said that we had to get something for Thanksgiving since the baby would be born by then. He was so excited picking out a little outfit with forest animals and the bib. Now both the outfit and the bib are sitting in the guest room (AKA nursery), because I can't bring myself to pack them away.<br />
<br />
While waiting for the call saying we should get on a plane and fly to meet our baby boy, we got a call telling us that this baby was not coming home to us. When I got off the phone I felt like someone had knocked the wind out of my lungs. We lost our baby.<br />
<br />
People keep saying that there will be another baby at "the right time". I know these are well-meaning loving statements, but I want to scream that we don't want another baby right now. We are grieving the loss of THIS baby. The name we had chosen means "praise, and God is gracious". Even as we feel the giant emptiness this little life has left in our hearts, we believe God is still gracious and worthy of our praise. <br />
<br />
I have a friend who suffered the loss of a stillborn baby, and her description of what grief she endured feels familiar. Because, even though this baby didn't die; we feel the emptiness of a baby who was due to be ours this last week. We were prepared. I have a freezer full of milk. I have been pumping to help stimulate lactation so that I could nurse my baby. In 10 years I have not felt so much like a woman as I did these last few weeks. My husband was surprised that I was talking to sisters and friends on the phone as much as I was, and the reason was that I felt like I was part of the mommy club, and it felt really good. I made curtains for the nursery. We bought diapers, bottles, wipes, onsies, tiny baby socks. My husband picked up a carseat and learned how to put it into our car properly. We packed our bags to head to the hospital (out of state) as soon as birth mom went into labor ... I can't bring myself to unpack.<br />
<br />
I have never felt this broken.<br />
<br />
I know we'll make it through, and no matter what I still have so much to be thankful for because God is always good and very present.<br />
<br />
<br />Alihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11039951526759234746noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5029255419444419513.post-381167062883900172014-10-27T22:48:00.001-07:002014-10-27T22:48:58.806-07:00To Our Almost Babies ...<div align="LEFT" style="widows: 1;">
<span style="font-size: medium;">It was five years ago, right after we were married that the first call came: and our first adoption loss. Since then, we have had international, local, infants, older kids ... each unique and exciting for a moment when we wondered or even believed were going to be joining our family. Even as we believe these children are where they should be, part of our heart will love each of them always, Here is what I will likely never get the chance to say to our Almost Babies ....</span></div>
<div align="LEFT" style="widows: 1;">
<br />
</div>
<div align="LEFT" style="widows: 1;">
<span style="color: black;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: medium;"><i>Sweet Precious Baby,</i></span></span></div>
<div align="LEFT" style="widows: 1;">
<i><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br />
</span></i></div>
<div align="LEFT" style="widows: 1;">
<span style="color: black;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: medium;"><i>Oh
how grateful I am that I have known of you. Even though we may
never meet, I am overwhelmed with prayers for you. I pray that
every day you will know you are loved and valued so incredibly. I
pray you will always feel your purpose in this life, and live every
moment to the fullest. May you forever live in the knowledge and be
strengthened knowing that you are a beautiful person, made by the
most loving Creator. I want you to never feel pain, but I know that
you will in this world. So, I pray that when you fall down, you
will have a hand to help you up. I pray that when you cry you
will have a shoulder. I pray that when you are sick, you will
have someone to hold you and take good care of you, and make you feel
better. I pray that for every hurtful word you hear, you will
hear a million uplifting words. I pray you will believe the
amazing truth about you, and will not believe any lies about you. I
pray that when you are confused or frustrated you have a
compassionate listening ear. I pray you will have friends who
will stand with you. I pray that you will know real and lasting
love in your life. I pray that you will make this world a
better place every day. I pray that you will know the One who made
you, and live your life rejoicing that no matter what, He loves you
and is with you always. Oh sweet baby, you were never mine, but I am
just the most blessed to have held you in my heart for a little time.
What a privilege to pray for you. For all that I selfishly wanted to
give you, I know that the best gift is just the prayers - because who
couldn't use more of those? Oh baby, I only ever wanted what is
best for YOU. And I believe you are where you should be, with
the ones you should be with. So, I am just sending my love and
thoughts across the void of the world to you. I'm choosing to
leave you where I put you the moment I knew of you: in the most
powerful, loving Hands that I have ever known. Be blessed sweet
baby.</i></span></span></div>
<div align="LEFT" style="widows: 1;">
<i><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br />
</span></i></div>
<div align="LEFT" style="widows: 1;">
<span style="color: black; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><i>
<span style="font-size: medium;">love,</span></i></span></div>
<div align="LEFT" style="widows: 1;">
<span style="color: black; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><i>
<span style="font-size: medium;">me</span></i></span></div>
<br />
<br />
Alihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11039951526759234746noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5029255419444419513.post-84915624587228944642014-10-25T22:31:00.001-07:002014-10-25T22:31:19.879-07:00The white bunny, and facing fear of loss<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">There is a white bunny in our yard. She's been there for about a week, every day we see her munching on grass at the edge of the jungle. But, I am avoiding her. Because I don't want to make her run away.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">She was here for a couple weeks about a year ago as well, and that time I would talk with her and spend time trying to get her to eat from my hand. One day I took some kale from our garden and held it out and she came up to me and ate it right out of my hand! I was so excited!! But, the next day she was gone. I looked and looked and called for her for days. I felt like it was my fault that she left.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">There is a song that says: </span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<i><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">"<span style="line-height: 16px;">Staring at the bottom of your glass</span></span></i></div>
<div class="verse" priority_psa_not_processed="" psa_not_processed="" style="box-sizing: border-box; line-height: 16px;">
</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<i><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Hoping one day you'll make a dream last</span></i></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<i><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">But dreams come slow, and they go so fast</span></i></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<i><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></i></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<i><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">You see her when you close your eyes</span></i></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<i><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Maybe one day you'll understand why</span></i></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<i><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Everything you touch surely dies</span></i></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<i><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></i></div>
<br />
<div class="verse" priority_psa_not_processed="" psa_not_processed="" style="box-sizing: border-box; line-height: 16px;">
</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<i><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">But you only need the light when it's burning low</span></i></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<i><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Only miss the sun when it starts to snow</span></i></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<i><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Only know you love her when you let her go</span></i></div>
<br />
<div class="verse" priority_psa_not_processed="" psa_not_processed="" style="box-sizing: border-box; line-height: 16px;">
</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<i><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Only know you've been high when you're feeling low</span></i></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<i><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Only hate the road when you're missing home</span></i></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<i><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Only know you love her when you let her go</span></i></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
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<i><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Staring at the ceiling in the dark</span></i></div>
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<i><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Same old empty feeling in your heart</span></i></div>
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<i><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">'Cause love comes slow, and it goes so fast</span></i></div>
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<i><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Well you see her when you fall asleep</span></i></div>
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<i><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">But never to touch and never to keep</span></i></div>
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<i><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Cause you loved her too much, and you dived too deep</span></i></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">(Lyrics by Passenger)</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">The line that says: "<i>Everything you touch surely dies</i>" went through my mind when the bunny ran away. And, this time I just have been enjoying seeing our little fluffy friend from afar. I don't want to get too close and make her leave again.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I feel the same way about adoption. Over the past 5 years we have had several adoption possibilities/opportunities presented to us. And every time, we have ended up loosing a baby we dreamed of, a baby we hoped would stay in our heart forever. It sometimes feels like if we pursue a specific adoption, we doom it to fall apart. Will we ever be parents? It hurts so bad when it doesn't happen, and even though we believe the children we have loved are where they should be, we miss the dream of them being in our life. How can you keep hoping and dreaming when it keeps falling apart? It sometimes makes me want to stop trying so that I can protect my heart from feeling so empty when a dream leaves.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">But, you know what? If I had given up the first 7 times I tried to walk, I would be crawling around still. If I had stopped being with people because I was so petrifyingly shy I would never have had any of the friendships of my life. If I had stopped driving when I was learned and people were honking behind me for going so slow - I wouldn't have enjoyed the thrill of driving with the windows down. If I had been too afraid of relationships ending I would have never considered that out of my league handsome Farmer Boy so many years ago. If I had given up when I was learning to drive the tractor I wouldn't have tilled the field. If I had been too concerned about trying a new career, I wouldn't have the joy of being a teacher at a wonderful school.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">So, even though I'm scarred spit-less, I'm going to continue to say YES to the adoption situations that come our way. Yes, it will hurt like hell every time an adoption opportunity falls apart, every time we are not chosen, every time we have to make the hard choice to walk away ... but good things usually require hurt somewhere along the line, and it's so worth it.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I think I'll go ahead and try to feed our little bunny guest tomorrow. Maybe she'll decide to stay this time.</span></div>
</span>Alihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11039951526759234746noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5029255419444419513.post-60391976799938714202014-09-30T22:46:00.000-07:002014-09-30T22:46:25.258-07:00Falling off the monkey bars, and looking for joyThey tell you not to take it personally when you don't get chosen in an adoption opportunity. <br />
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Riiiight. <br />
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It's easy enough to say, "Ok, we won't take it personally" .. until you get that phone call, like the one I got yesterday: "Well, for whatever reason, and we don't know what that is, but ... she went with a different family." And suddenly you can't tell if the world has stopped spinning or if it's suddenly spinning so fast it makes you dizzy. I've had a few people ask me today how I'm feeling, how I'm doing. Usually I say something like: "It is what it is, and we're survive." (which is true) But, how does it really feel like for the childless one who just found out that a specific adoption dream has fallen apart? Well, here it is - in all it's raw honesty. I can only speak from my own experience but this is how it feels to me:<br />
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You know when you're a little kid and you fall off the money bars, and you land on your back so hard that for a moment you can't breath - the breath gets "knocked out" of you. It feels a little bit like that.<br />
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You feel slightly relieved that at least the wait is over and you know, but at the same time you would give anything to go back to before you got the call - when you found yourself dreaming of how your baby would smell when you gave your baby a bath ... but there is no going back.<br />
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If you aren't with your spouse at the time, all you want is to be in his arms. But, you also dread seeing the look of disappointment in his eyes. And no matter how amazing he is, you feel like you need to apologize for being the barren one and making him go through this emptiness. Even though you know he loves you and doesn't blame you - in that moment and as you process the end of this dream, you blame yourself.<br />
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You suddenly feel like you can't do it <i>ever again.</i> No matter what comes, you literally cannot handle the broken feeling that comes at moments like these. You want to call back your agency and tell them to take your name out of the list of names. But, like most feelings, this one is often a see-saw of wanting to give up, and longing to find a different program, a new dream - because even though this is so painful, <i>you are addicted to this dream.</i><br />
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You dread telling people. You feel like you are letting down your parents, siblings and friends who have been praying and excited with you. The joy of adopting is magnified by having family share in the excitement (I imagine), but the pain is also magnified when you see the disappointment in those who looked forward to welcoming a child into their lives too.<br />
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You wonder - even though your social worker specifically told you about 3 times that it wasn't personal and you would never know, you still wonder what exactly it was that made the birth parent choose someone else. It's fine to say it's not personal, but in that moment, all you know is that someone looked at pictures of you, read words you agonized over, and didn't choose you. You feel embarrassed - like the kid who didn't get picked for the team. <br />
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All the insecurities of your life flood back .. I usually feel fat and ugly. I know I'm not fat and ugly, but for whatever reason I feel that way whenever I get this news. It's very weird - and the only thing I can think is that I am so vulnerable in that moment that all the insecurities of my youth flood back over me. <br />
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You know that feeling after you spend the whole day on your feet, in the hot sun, without any water? Well, after I get this news I feel kind of like that. I feel so incredibly exhausted in every way: emotionally, spiritually, and physically. All I want is to curl in a ball under the blankets and make the bad dream stop.<br />
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This is how I feel. So, how do I respond? Initially, I react similarly to how I reacted when my Grammie (who I lived with and walked her last years on earth beside) died. I keep going in a bit of a dazed determination. I find things to do, and I cling with everything in me to the One who never leaves - Who has promised me an eternity with no tears or pain. I disagree when people say that God never gives us more than we can handle. It <i>was</i> too much to handle for me when I watched my Grammie take her last breaths on earth. This unfulfilled dream of children<i> is</i> too much for me to handle. I have to depend on Him to handle it for me. Or I wouldn't make it through. I'm not that strong. <i> But, He is.</i> <br />
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I'm thankful that in this moment, as I pack up my dreams for the next time they are awakened,<i> my life is not ruled by how I feel. </i> Yes, it consumes me at times and is so overwhelmingly painful. But, in the same times, if I keep my eyes on God to be my strength I make it through. I went to work today - where not one person knew of what the last few weeks have held, and I looked for and found joy. I found it in the students and their excitement for life, I found it in the beauty of a tree full of pink and yellow tissue-paper blossoms, and I found it in the smell of fresh basil being planted behind my classroom. I came home, and found joy in the man who is always faithful and loving to me (I will forever be amazed and thankful for his choice of me). I found joy in talking on the phone to my nephews as they lay in their beds across the ocean. I found joy in a hot shower, in clean clothes, in an oven to bake in, in making dinner ... my heart hurts but there is joy everywhere if I look for it.<br />
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Not all of you reading this are going through infertility, and the crazy road of adoption. But, I'm pretty sure that if you're human, you have had moments that feel like this. So, I challenge you to look for joy. Looking for joy doesn't mean that the stuff you're going through doesn't rip your heart into shreds. It doesn't mean that you are "happy" - joy is so much deeper than what our world says "happiness" is all about. <br />
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<i>And, it's there if we look. </i><br />
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Let me know what you find. :)Alihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11039951526759234746noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5029255419444419513.post-13277070447849621912014-09-03T03:04:00.003-07:002014-09-03T12:15:45.188-07:00The beautiful secret in the nightIf you know me it will come as no surprise that I do not love living in a tropical climate - and I live in Hawaii. How I ended up here is an interesting tale, but one for a different day. :) I dislike being sticky and hot, and having my hair turn into something that resembles an un-brushed Old English Sheepdog (it took me while to figure out a similarity to the mess of my hair - but having raised a sheepdog I think it is fitting) I miss having Northwest fruits almost daily, I only like 2 tropical fruits that I have tried so far. I would not go as far as to say I hate living in Hawaii - but it just is not where I hope to live for the rest of my life. When people ask me how I like living in Hawaii I usually say that it is a fun adventure for this season of our lives. And that is true. There are lots of fun bits to living here - the most fun being that I get to have my husband be my top priority and all the time we get just the two of us. But still, Hawaii is just not my dream location.<br />
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But tonight - oh tonight I had an experience that changed my view of this place.<br />
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It happened after a very long day with work: as we drove up our mountain (we live on one of Hawaii's many volcanoes) the rain increased. We then were in the middle of thick cloud and heavy rain, and we actually drove past the cloud (we live at 3,000 feet) and pulled into our driveway. Because it was still raining, my sweet Farmer Boy dropped me off at the door (isn't he the best?!) and went to park our car. I nearly did the splits slipping on the driveway - but eventually I gracefully managed to get onto the deck.<br />
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And then IT hit me.<br />
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The most enchanting fragrance I had ever experienced. It was pitch black, heavy and hurried raindrops dancing and singing on the tin roof, and I was frozen in stunned breathlessness. <br />
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Night-blooming jasmine: a powerfully fragrant, yet gentle as old fashioned lace floral scent rolling through the rain-drenched night air. And I was transfixed and amazed. Immediately I was in love: deep, abiding love - the kind that knows that years from now, if I catch the tiniest breeze of night-blooming Jasmine I will return to this little home my Love and I have made in this new and adventurous place. <br />
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I was not in love with the scent as much as I was enthralled by the One who made it. The glorious freshness of this night, the frog chorus raising and competing with the raindrops dancing on the roof, the clouds of mist ushering me into our home, the welcome feeling and being home after a long day. Gratitude for all He is and does.<br />
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This moment was short but powerful at a time when I needed it. This summer has been the most difficult and painful time of our life. Dreams we dreamed, gone in a moment. Futures we thought would be ours changed forever, door after door slammed in our faces, hurt too deep for words or tears, questions of if ever... I needed this reminder today. It has been challenging this year - so challenging. And yet - just like the rain and nighttime usher in the beauty of the night-blooming Jasmine, so sometimes the hard parts of our life usher in moments of beauty. Or maybe they just open up our eyes to see the beauty that was there all along. This life is messy, and crazy, and draining. But it is also unspeakably glorious, and creative, and life-giving.<br />
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Part of the beauty that struck me was that I never get to enjoy that enthralling fragrance during the sun-filled days. It is only in the darkness of night that the true beauty of this heavenly flower is enjoyed. Isn't life like that? During the days of happiness and sun-soaked life, we sometimes miss out on exquisite beauty that only come from times that may seem dark and stormy. It's a lesson I have seen over and over again, illustrated through nature in little and enormous ways. I know it's something God wants me to remember always. May I be faithful to remember this light-bringing truth in the times that are dark.<br />
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I have the blessed choice to allow the hurt of today to bring beauty into my tomorrow.<br />
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And I choose to open up and allow the beauty to sweep in where the ashes are. I choose to breath deep of the fragrance of God's grace and goodness in this moment - because it's always there if we have eyes to see.<br />
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I'm so thankful for the night-blooming Jasmine, and the picture of beauty in unexpected places.Alihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11039951526759234746noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5029255419444419513.post-11095016599006757692014-07-22T10:52:00.001-07:002014-07-22T10:53:39.576-07:00The Waiting Place<div style="background-color: white; color: #4d4d4d; font-family: proxima-nova, Helvetica, Avenir, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 16px; line-height: 26px; margin-bottom: 25px; margin-left: auto; max-width: 550px; padding-left: 10px; padding-right: 0px; padding-top: 0px; text-align: center;">
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" /></div>
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I was reading a children's book ( <a href="http://www.amazon.com/Oh-The-Places-Youll-Go/dp/0679805273">Oh The Places You'll Go</a> by Dr. Seuss or Theodore Geisel) to my nephew that other day, and I was struck by something the book said about waiting:</div>
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"You can get so confused<br />
that you’ll start in to race<br />
down long wiggled roads at a break-necking pace<br />
and grind on for miles cross weirdish wild space,<br />
headed, I fear, toward a most useless place.<br />
The Waiting Place…</div>
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…for people just waiting.<br />
Waiting for a train to go<br />
or a bus to come, or a plane to go<br />
or the mail to come, or the rain to go<br />
or the phone to ring, or the snow to snow<br />
or the waiting around for a Yes or No<br />
or waiting for their hair to grow.<br />
Everyone is just waiting.</div>
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Waiting for the fish to bite<br />
or waiting for the wind to fly a kite<br />
or waiting around for Friday night<br />
or waiting, perhaps, for their Uncle Jake<br />
or a pot to boil, or a Better Break<br />
or a string of pearls, or a pair of pants<br />
or a wig with curls, or Another Chance.<br />
Everyone is just waiting.</div>
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NO! That’s not for you!</div>
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Somehow you’ll escape<br />
all that waiting and staying.<br />
You’ll find the bright places<br />
where Boom Bands are playing."</div>
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<br /></div>
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(Before I go into my thoughts, I will say that I do enjoy this book and a lot of the message is very courageous and great for kids to hear!) I was thinking about this portion of the book, and thinking how right now my husband and I are in a waiting place. I got a message from my adoption agency contact yesterday in which she said that she knew she was asking me to do the very hardest thing in waiting. We have done everything we can on our home study and preparing and filling out an endless amount of forms ... but now, it's time for us to wait. We will either be finding out soon that we will be parents this year, or we'll be finding out that we have to wait a little longer for this favorite dream to come true. And, I think that Dr. Seuss has a good point that much of waiting is very useless - if we're waiting for life to begin, or not enjoying what is happening and not getting involved in life. BUT, I think that in some ways, waiting is often beyond our control, and waiting CAN actually be a very useful place for leaning in on our trust in God. I'm reminded of a favorite passage in Scripture that says: "Be Still and Know that I am God!" (Psalm 46:10). There ARE times when waiting is the only thing we can do - waiting on direction from God, waiting on prayers we have prayed, waiting on something we have put in His hands. Waiting can be a place of so much growth and deepened dependence on God - and that is anything but useless! </div>
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So, as we sit in this "waiting place" of our adoption journey, we choose to lean on God and trust that He will bring us out in His good time. No, we won't stop living and stop loving and growing in this waiting place, but we will be still and know that He is God and we will leave our dreams in His very loving hands.</div>
Alihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11039951526759234746noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5029255419444419513.post-64837283480824283142014-07-21T10:28:00.000-07:002014-07-21T10:31:34.644-07:00AdoptionHi friends!<br />
<br />
So - we are in the middle of an adoption situation, that we are pursuing full speed! We have been asked by some people if we have an adoption fund and how to donate. Here is a link on how to donate to our paypal account. Adoption costs will be somewhere in the $30,000 range. IF for some reason this particular adoption falls through, we are committed to using this fund to adopt - and are actively involved in adoption agency which we will pursue if this one falls through. Thank you for helping bring our Someday Babies home!<br />
<a href="https://www.paypal.com/cgi-bin/webscr?cmd=_donations&business=WF7CCRCBL969W&lc=US&item_name=Josh%20and%20Ali%27s%20Adoption%20Fund&currency_code=USD&bn=PP%2dDonationsBF%3abtn_donateCC_LG%2egif%3aNonHosted">Adoption Fund</a>Alihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11039951526759234746noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5029255419444419513.post-5267980585712720202014-07-11T07:57:00.001-07:002014-07-11T07:57:47.720-07:00HopeYou never know what tomorrow will hold, 3 weeks ago our dream seemed over - and today we are again allowed to dream. We have been hesitant as this dream was given back, and we are trying to protect our hearts more this time (but when it comes to babies it's really hard to protect my heart!). We will know for sure in probably a month, but for now it feels good to have even a glimmer of hope that the dream we lost is being given back.<br />
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Only time will tell.<br />
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In this uncertain time, we know that trusting God with our dream and our future is the best thing we can do, and just trying to hold that dream with an open hand ....Alihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11039951526759234746noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5029255419444419513.post-85690007857820164452014-06-28T02:03:00.001-07:002014-06-28T02:03:59.242-07:00It was the most beautiful dream ...One of the best things I've ever seen was when my husband set up a crib we found at the thrift store. The look on his face was priceless. We were so close. And now we'll be taking apart that crib, packing up the baby clothes, and saying goodbye to a dream.<br />
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It's been a whirlwind 2 months, and the story is not mine to share in detail - but just to say that we fell in love, and we really thought that God was giving us our family this summer. We dreamed and talked about them and planned for them, and got excited when our adoption agency was so positive, and we even got some super exciting news on Father's Day. We would look at each other with unspeakable excitement as we went about our days, because we knew with each day that we were falling in love - and it was so much fun! We picked out stuffed animals, we talked about names, we discussed plans for the future, we told parents and siblings ... we let ourselves dream. It was so much closer than we have ever gotten to adopting, and it was such a beautiful dream.<br />
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Today that dream slipped away as fast as it had appeared. And no matter how thankful I am for another family and the joy they are having right now, I feel like I can't breath. And I miss the family we thought we would have. I feel like I'm not whole all over again, and I feel ashamed and unworthy of the gift we thought we were being given. I don't feel like a women all over again. I feel like I've been kicked out of the mommy club again ... I couldn't even look at my sweet husband as he told his parents tonight. I feel like anyone who doubted we could do it is justified and maybe we aren't cut out to be parents after all. I feel like an idiot for believing that we were being given this miraculous dream.<br />
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And it doesn't matter that I know we will continue looking and being open to the children God may someday bless us with, because this was a real situation, and we were not just in love with the idea of a family - we were in love with THIS family. They were (and still are) very alive and real. We had planned for them in ways that only someone who is expecting a baby prepares. We love them. But, we now know they are not meant to be ours. Remember that post a while back when I said that I was going to go ahead and dream, because it's worth it to dream, even if every dream ends with waking up? Remember how I said that even if this dream fell apart I would choose to be grateful for the beauty of the dream? Well, it is easier said than done, but I am trying very hard to be grateful, and to trust God and love Him even though this is unspeakably hard at the moment.<br />
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But I also feel like I should be allowed to miss them. Sometimes, things just suck. And, for us right now we have just lost children we were excited about coming into our family, and of course it's going to hurt.<br />
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We'll pick up the pieces, and someday we will be in the position to begin actively pursuing something else. But right now, it feels as if someone we loved has died - and we're not allowed to go to the funeral, and we're not allowed to grieve. Hurting doesn't mean that we can't be grateful for things learned, for the beauty of the dream, for the joy and fulfillment of the desires of others, for the beauty of God's creative miraculous artwork in making babies ... I'm choosing to find gratefulness, but that doesn't mean there are not tears.Alihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11039951526759234746noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5029255419444419513.post-63286382959499499192014-06-06T00:11:00.000-07:002014-06-06T00:11:08.641-07:00A letter to our Someday Babies<div>
{<i>I don't know where, or when, or how they will come to us - but I know that<b> someday</b> I want them to know without question how much they were loved and wanted<b> today</b>}</i></div>
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Dear, sweet, chosen, deeply loved Someday Babies,<div>
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Today I was listening to a CD your Papa made for our journey to find you - and the song is currently one that I am loving: "If you're tossing and you're turning and you just can't fall asleep, I'll sing a song beside you; and if you ever forget how much you really mean to me, every day I will remind you."<span style="font-size: xx-small;">(Bruno Mars)</span>... And I don't know, precious ones, when you will come to us, or where you are right now, I don't know if you are sleeping, or awake and unable to sleep - I don't know if you are born, or not. But, what I do know is that you are here inside my heart already, you mean so so much to me and your Papa - and if it takes every day for the rest of my life, I will remind you of this truth.</div>
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I love you with abandon. </div>
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I've abandoned the thought of anything else I have ever wanted in my life. And I would gladly abandon so much more for you sweetheart: I would abandon where I want to live, I would abandon any job that I love, I would abandon sleep, I would abandon playing in the waves alone with your Papa any time I want, I would abandon my tidy living room, I would abandon spontaneous sushi dates, and oh my children ... I would abandon so much more. </div>
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Babies, I feel you inside my heart, like a hundred butterflies both humbly gentle and demanding of attention at the same time. Throughout every day I think of you a million and one times, and even the rare moments when I don't have a conscious thought of you - the feeling of you is always there. And I love you. <i> Every moment I love you</i>. So tonight my Babies, I'll lay down to sleep, and I'll hold a pillow with arms that long to hold you, and I just wanted you to know that even when I am sleeping my love for you is very wide awake. </div>
Alihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11039951526759234746noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5029255419444419513.post-14225382793356915002014-05-14T17:59:00.001-07:002014-05-14T17:59:58.520-07:00"Forever the Hope of my Heart"<iframe allowfullscreen="" frameborder="0" height="270" src="//www.youtube.com/embed/GpsjgdLRf7E" width="480"></iframe><br /><br />
<br /><br />
So, have you ever found a song that captures what your heart wants to say so well that you feel like you literally want to eat it? Well, this one has been constant the past two days. As we wait in life and try to not put hope in man - we want our hope, our future, our joy, our EVERYTHING to be in Him. Excuse me while I go back to singing this super loud because all my co-workers have gone home and the rainy campus is GREAT for singing! ;)Alihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11039951526759234746noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5029255419444419513.post-86449683965491001682014-04-30T18:32:00.000-07:002014-04-30T18:32:16.962-07:00Why live life from dream to dream ...I used to dream so big. My brother and I used to look through the JC Penny catalog (yes the real paper and glue catalog not online!!) and we would pick out what we wanted our lives to look like. We would pick our future spouse, our kids, the rooms in the house, the color of the walls ... down to every detail. My favorite was planning the nursery. I would usually choose to have twins or triplets and would pick matching yet different colors for their bedding etc. So .. as I typed that I cringed, because it sounds so dumb in retrospect. And so vain. But on some level it was also full of hope - hope that our lives would be full of all the biggest and best blessings our childish minds could contain.<br />
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Fast forward several years and my dreams started being shattered one by one. Almost exactly 6 months after we were married I stood broken and in shame as I whispered to my best friend and husband: "I don't know how to dream anymore." <br />
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When you are trying to adopt something weird happens (or is with me at least), you want to dream ... I mean you kind of have to dream to begin the process, but at the same time you are terrified of dreaming. Especially as has been in our case when you have lost babies you thought God was giving to you. As soon as you begin to dream it shatters, and you almost feel like even breathing a hopeful breath will break the magic of the dream and wake you up.<br />
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God has been showing me gently all my life I guess, but more lately, that HE is good even if our circumstances are not. And that being grateful for even the hard bits of life is what <i>really </i>knowing Him is all about. <br />
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Last night I thought; "I shouldn't let my heart have even the tiniest glimmer of hope" ...(after all only a couple of weeks ago an international situation we were decided to pursue was taken from us because of international adoption law changing and countries becoming harder to adopt from) but I also realized that maybe I would rather have the sigh of relief that dreaming brings even if the dream ends the way they always do. It's torture loving children you have never met, knowing you may never. But at the same time, how can I stop hoping? And how can I hope, when I know that if I ever am given my dream, someone else will be making an impossible decision? I feel like my hope for adoption means that I hope something very hard happens with someone else, and that makes me feel horrible! So, last night I let myself dream. And today I regret it, because I'm afraid of how it will feel when I wake up. But, I just keep trying to remind myself that I will be grateful and choose joy even when I have to wake up ... This is just the reality of where my heart is right now.<br />
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So for now, every love song I hear is my heart crying out to our babies ... <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4N7VK7vHwnw">One Day I've Fly Away</a><br />
<a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rbLg6-MvOFo">A Thousand Years</a> <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-2U0Ivkn2Ds">say something</a><br />
<br />Alihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11039951526759234746noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5029255419444419513.post-84115723887201756132014-03-07T09:16:00.000-08:002014-03-07T09:16:23.036-08:00Cursed to be a BlessingI haven't blogged in a while - I have been very busy with my new job teaching at a Christian High school! But something has been on my mind and heart for a long time in regards to adoption stuff and I haven't been able to sort it out until just this week.<br />
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Someone said something yesterday about how a young couple is being so blessed as they are pregnant with their first baby - and basically that God is blessing them by allowing them to be part of creating an eternal being. Which is AWESOME - I mean, pregnancy is miraculous in every way and I will always be overwhelmed with worship of a God who can make a baby this way!<br />
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When I read the Old Testament in particular there are so many stories of infertility - and the people involved usually refer to themselves as being "cursed" with the inability to bear children. I'm guessing that most of us who can't have children feel "cursed". Now, I know that in Biblical times much more pressure was put on women to be able to produce children - and we live in a different culture today .. but there is still a very strong feeling of being cursed. The Bible also has many stories where God opened a woman's womb especially after her seeking Him, or some special grace given. Even though I don't really believe I am cursed - it feels like it. Because of all this, and because of the general feeling of shame involved in infertility, I have often wondered why God won't gave me a miracle and let me have children. I don't doubt His love, but I feel "less than" all the time. (which is ok - because in my "less than" He is my adequacy) <br />
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But this week I realized something. I consider the ability to bear children to be a great blessing, and I will probably always feel a bit cursed in my inability. But this week I started thinking about the blessing of having loving parents (a blessing I have been blessed with). There are children in this world that would give anything to have the blessing of parents who love them, the blessing of coming home to a safe place, to never be abused, to have a warm bed and lots of hugs, to have a daddy to tell them they are beautiful, to have a mama put band-aids on ouchies, to have unconditional love and acceptance and safety. My heart aches for children who don't have those blessings. And I suddenly knew and accepted that I'm ok with being "cursed" so that some of these kids can have the blessings they are longing for in this life. <br />
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We started filling out paperwork for our home study this week. It will be a long process - but we're trying to take steps in the right direction.<br />
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<br />Alihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11039951526759234746noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5029255419444419513.post-67562686277123014612013-11-28T10:59:00.001-08:002013-11-28T10:59:27.893-08:00The First Thanksgiving and being lovedToday I am thinking about the first Thanksgiving ... no, not THAT first thanksgiving, but the first Thanksgiving I ever spent with my husband.<br />
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It was nine years ago on Thanksgiving day, and my family had left me home sick for Thanksgiving (in their defense I told them to go on without me). I was getting ready for my big surgery in a couple weeks and so when I began having some weird symptoms I called my dr. who told me to go to the ER because they thought I was reacting to some antibiotics I was taking. I didn't have a car and my family was over 3 hours away - so I called my neighbor (Joshua's parents) and asked if anyone could just drive me and drop me off at the ER. My now Father in law and my Farmer Boy showed up and Joshua drove me to the ER - and he STAYED.<br />
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I was embarrassed that he stayed, and so so thankful.<br />
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I kept telling him that he was missing Thanksgiving, and should be at home with his family, and he kept saying that he was having fun just being with me and that he didn't want me to be alone. He stayed with me for 8 hours. His sweet family waited until 8 pm when he got home to eat Thanksgiving dinner. I felt bad for making them all wait, I felt sad that he had missed the day playing games with his brothers, and I also felt loved beyond words.<br />
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It was on that Thanksgiving that I realized that He loved me, as more than a friend, as more than a neighbor - he loved me! I wouldn't have admitted it then, but it was pretty obvious to everyone that this guy was being more than a good neighbor that day.<br />
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And I am so thankful!<br />
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We didn't start dating for almost another year, but ever since that day I have thought about him above all others on this earth. I didn't realize it at that time, but I loved him too, and I've loved him every day since.<br />
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So, today, as we are away from family living in a new place, I am still thankful .... so so thankful that I get to spend this my favorite holiday with the man who loved me on that Thanksgiving so long ago.Alihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11039951526759234746noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5029255419444419513.post-72695773342890903562013-10-04T18:52:00.003-07:002013-10-04T19:02:43.822-07:00A story of two mothers, a wise king, and a love that lets goCheck out this story in the Bible:<br />
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<span style="background-color: white; color: #073763;">1 Kings 3:16-27</span><br />
<span style="background-color: white;"><span style="color: #073763;"><br /></span>
<span style="color: #073763; font-size: x-small;"><span class="text 1Kgs-3-16"><b>16</b> "</span><span class="text 1Kgs-3-16" style="font-family: Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Now two prostitutes came to the king and stood before him.</span><span style="font-family: Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"> </span><span class="text 1Kgs-3-17" id="en-NIV-8834" style="font-family: Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span class="versenum" style="font-weight: bold; vertical-align: top;">17 </span>One of them said, “Pardon me, my lord. This woman and I live in the same house, and I had a baby while she was there with me.</span><span style="font-family: Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"> </span><span class="text 1Kgs-3-18" id="en-NIV-8835" style="font-family: Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span class="versenum" style="font-weight: bold; vertical-align: top;">18 </span>The third day after my child was born, this woman also had a baby. We were alone; there was no one in the house but the two of us.</span></span></span><br />
<div style="font-family: Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">
<span style="color: #073763; font-size: x-small;"><span class="text 1Kgs-3-19" id="en-NIV-8836"><span class="versenum" style="font-weight: bold; vertical-align: top;"><span style="background-color: white;">19</span><span style="background-color: white;"> </span></span><span style="background-color: white;">“During the night this woman’s son died because she lay on him.</span></span><span style="background-color: white;"> <span class="text 1Kgs-3-20" id="en-NIV-8837"><span class="versenum" style="font-weight: bold; vertical-align: top;">20 </span>So she got up in the middle of the night and took my son from my side while I your servant was asleep. She put him by her breast and put her dead son by my breast.</span> <span class="text 1Kgs-3-21" id="en-NIV-8838"><span class="versenum" style="font-weight: bold; vertical-align: top;">21 </span>The next morning, I got up to nurse my son—and he was dead! But when I looked at him closely in the morning light, I saw that it wasn’t the son I had borne.”</span></span></span></div>
<div style="font-family: Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">
<span class="text 1Kgs-3-22" id="en-NIV-8839"><span style="background-color: white; color: #073763; font-size: x-small;"><span class="versenum" style="font-weight: bold; vertical-align: top;">22 </span>The other woman said, “No! The living one is my son; the dead one is yours.”</span></span></div>
<div style="font-family: Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">
<span class="text 1Kgs-3-22"><span style="background-color: white; color: #073763; font-size: x-small;">But the first one insisted, “No! The dead one is yours; the living one is mine.” And so they argued before the king.</span></span></div>
<div style="font-family: Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">
<span class="text 1Kgs-3-23" id="en-NIV-8840"><span style="background-color: white; color: #073763; font-size: x-small;"><span class="versenum" style="font-weight: bold; vertical-align: top;">23 </span>The king said, “This one says, ‘My son is alive and your son is dead,’ while that one says, ‘No! Your son is dead and mine is alive.’”</span></span></div>
<div style="font-family: Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">
<span style="background-color: white; color: #073763; font-size: x-small;"><span class="text 1Kgs-3-24" id="en-NIV-8841"><span class="versenum" style="font-weight: bold; vertical-align: top;">24 </span>Then the king said, “Bring me a sword.” So they brought a sword for the king.</span> <span class="text 1Kgs-3-25" id="en-NIV-8842"><span class="versenum" style="font-weight: bold; vertical-align: top;">25 </span>He then gave an order: “Cut the living child in two and give half to one and half to the other.”</span></span></div>
<div style="font-family: Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">
<span class="text 1Kgs-3-26" id="en-NIV-8843"><span style="background-color: white; color: #073763; font-size: x-small;"><span class="versenum" style="font-weight: bold; vertical-align: top;">26 </span>The woman whose son was alive was deeply moved<span class="crossreference" style="font-weight: bold; vertical-align: top;" value="(<a href="#cen-NIV-8843A" title="See cross-reference A">A</a>)"></span> out of love for her son and said to the king, “Please, my lord, give her the living baby! Don’t kill him!”</span></span></div>
<div style="font-family: Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">
<span class="text 1Kgs-3-26"><span style="background-color: white; color: #073763; font-size: x-small;">But the other said, “Neither I nor you shall have him. Cut him in two!”</span></span></div>
<div style="font-family: Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">
<span class="text 1Kgs-3-27" id="en-NIV-8844"><span style="background-color: white; color: #073763; font-size: x-small;"><span class="versenum" style="font-weight: bold; vertical-align: top;">27 </span>Then the king gave his ruling: “Give the living baby to the first woman. Do not kill him; she is his mother.”</span></span></div>
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I never felt this story applied to my own life before. I remember as a kid we had an arch book of the story and since I loved babies ever since I can remember, I felt bad for both the women. Well, last week in church this passage was read and it hit me like it never had before. <br />
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We have been seriously looking into adoption and we are at the point where we can begin in earnest the process to being our family through adoption. We live in a state where adopting through foster care ( which we had planned on pursuing when we moved here this summer) at this point is not possible for us, and the international world of adoption is a very confusing and challenging world. There is a lot of information out there about child trafficking and my heart keep returning to the thought that maybe we as the church should be helping families stay together (in cases where the family loves and cares for a child the best they can) rather than encouraging desperate parents to put their children in orphanages because they don't have food to feed them. There are so many countries involved, so many ministries, so many needs - and each of us needs to decide what God would have us to do make a difference. For my Farmer Boy and I we have felt since day one that if we adopt we would need a clear direction and that likely we wouldn't have real peace about an international adoption unless we were on the ground working in the country where we adopt. <i><b>This is not (nor should it be) what every family decides about adoption. </b></i> I have many friends who had or are adopting internationally, and they made that decision with God, and I trust that. It is not my job to question or judge what God tells someone else to do about adopting. But, for us and for this time (it may be that God changes this at some point for us) we have not felt peace about pursuing any international adoption that we have looked into so far. What if for us helping the orphan crisis internationally looks different? What if God wants to use the passion for justice in the adoption world that we have, to help us help families stay together in situations of poverty? We don't know the answers. We don't know if God will open up a situation internationally for us and give us the green light on adding a child from another country into our family. But right now, we don't feel we have that green light.<br />
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I have been pleading with him for over 8 years that He would give me a baby. And, every time I run into corruption and questionable practices in adoption agencies or countries I feel like hiding my face and pretending that I don't feel this lack of peace. I want to just send an application and get a baby. I want a family! Why would God let us get to this point and then close door after door for us? <br />
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And then I think of the true mother in 1 Kings 3. She was given the choice of insisting that he was hers and having him suffer and die, or in allowing another woman to have him to save his life. She was willing to give up her newborn baby because it would protect his life. The passage tells us she was moved out of love for her son. It was a quick choice for her give up her parental rights to do what was best for her baby. I can't imagine how she felt in that moment when she offered her baby to the other woman because she knew it was the only way of saving him. All of her dreams for him may have flashed before her eyes as she begged the King to give him to the other woman. What great love she had for her baby. What a beautiful picture this is! What a good reminder of love for a child and what that can lead us to do. What a beautiful picture of what some birth mothers do when they give up a child for adoption. What a beautiful picture of what I feel God is asking me to do every time I turn away from another agency because of corruption, or when a country closes down to adoption, or when God just flat out tells me no. I could stomp my feet and scream that it's not fair. I could ignore God's voice and push through applying to adopt a child even if I am seeing God's red light clearly. I could close my eyes and rush forward to make it happen just because I am longing with every fiber of my being to be a mama. But, what would happen? In some cases a child could end up suffering because of my selfishness. If I ever hope to be a real mama, I need to learn to give up what I want the most if that is what is best for a baby I love. <br />
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I guess the bottom line is that each of us is responsible for how God directs us, and that adoption should never happen because of selfish motives. It needs to be approached with great care and love of the children. We each need to seek God to give us wisdom to know when He has a door He wants us to walk though or when we might be pushing our own will.<br />
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So - I'll keep knocking and researching and asking questions and most of all praying for God to give what He desires for us - to lead us to the children we believe he has for us (and we DO believe that He has children for us - but maybe more about that in a different post). But, may I never hold onto my desire to be a mama so tightly that it hurts the babies I want to know and love.Alihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11039951526759234746noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5029255419444419513.post-38392901555702038002013-08-24T17:09:00.000-07:002014-05-14T18:44:55.364-07:00A tribute to my sweet GrammieShe took my little hand in hers and before I knew what was happening we were skipping ... right down the center of a busy mall! She was so happy and free and didn't care that everyone was looking at us. When I think of my sweet Grammie, Suzanne Marie Hagen, memories like this one flood my heart and mind. How can my words give tribute to a true lady and the Grammie that I called: "My Kindred Spirit"?<br />
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She used to play for hours with us, and everything was fun of childhood wonder and magic when she was there! The old green shaggy carpet-covered stairs became a railroad car as we went of journeys far into the countryside. The bathtub became a beauty parlor where we were transformed into princesses and Grammie would style the billowy bubbles into gorgeous gowns with puffed sleeves. Because of course every princess needs puffed sleeves when going to a formal ball! <br />
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She would read to us on the cozy white couch and the stories of Rapunzel, Hansel and Gretel and the Three Little Kittens came to life with her perfect story-telling voice. On slumber party nights we would snuggle under the sweetest smelling sheets (which she had hung to dry) as she would sing to us songs that will stay in my memory forever: "Sweetest Little Fella", "I've Been Working on the Railroad", "Would you Like to Swing on a Star", and "Sleep Kentucky Babe". I can still see her graceful silhouette in the nursery doorway as she sang "just one more song" until we drifted off to dreamland.<br />
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All of us Grandkids used to play for hours in the summer in the little creek that still runs along the back of Grampy and Grammie's house. We would fish for crawdads and pan for gold. More than once I have to admit that I "accidentally" slipped into the water so that I would get an extra bath and Grammie would let me wear one of Grampy's soft white T-shirts. I loved those shirts so much that one Christmas Eve Grammie took one and decorated it with coral lace and little flowers. I wore it as a night shirt and still have it in my hope chest.<br />
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Grammie and Grampy's house was the embodiment of Christmas Eve to me. Every year Grammie would be there to open the door in her long shirt and delicate lace top. She always looked like the perfect lady and hostess. Every corner of the house would be decorated: the glowing Christmas tree (that was always perfect to lay under and see the lights), the white angel choir peeking over the brick wall, the many nativity scenes and even the mischievous looking elves behind the tree. We would enjoy a meal of Swedish meatball and shrimp curry with white rice and soft dinner rolls. I can still hear my Grampy saying the blessing in Norwegian. After dinner us kids would scurry around finding sheets and towels to use as costumes for our Christmas skit. Grammie always wanted to sing carols and I can almost see her face with tears glistening on her cheeks as we ended with "Silent Night" every year...<br />
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Grammie used to take me on birthday shopping trips (which began because I disliked shoes!) we would shop and Grammie would make me feel so grown up. Over lunch we would talk about anything and everything. She gave me dating advise, and told me stories of when Grampy and her fell in love. We talked about books and the Bible and faith. I'll never forget how she made a grumpy lady at Payless shoes smile and laugh one day. When we went to the car she told me that she tries to never judge people who may be cross or gumpy because you never know what they might be going through. She said that she always tries to make the sad people smile. Every time she heard a siren she would stop and pray for the people involved. She has such intense compassion and kindness.<br />
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I was so blessed that my Farmer Boy and I had the privilege of living in her lovely home with her over the past three years. She told me over and over how happy she was that we had each other and she adored my Joshua so much. We spent hours singing hymns and watching Jeopardy and Wheel of Fortune with her. Grammie and I sang in the Senior Singers choir, and went everywhere together. I will never regret those three years spent with Grammie. I learned such valuable lessons, and was challenged and inspired by walking by her side while she made this last journey through life on earth.<br />
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No matter how "ready" someone is to go to heaven, it just doesn't seem right to say good-bye. No matter how much you want them to be free, you don't stop wanting to hold them for one more moment. Grammie passed into the everlasting arms of her Savior on July 13, 2013. She was 87 years old. Those last 23 hours will be in my mind forever. They were sacred moments. <br />
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Even now over a month later I find myself wanting to write her a letter or call her up, I can't get used to her not being with me after spending those three years almost inseparable. I miss laughing with her until we both cried, I miss singing with her "You'll never walk alone" while we got ready for bed, I miss making strong strong coffee for her and watching her take that first sip, I miss baking lemon squares and hearing her joke about eating them all herself, I miss her stories and quotes, I miss watching the birds with her ...<br />
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But I know I'll see her again. And maybe, just maybe she'll take my hand in hers and we'll skip together down the streets of Heaven.Alihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11039951526759234746noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5029255419444419513.post-83626355971582025632013-05-22T11:32:00.004-07:002013-05-22T13:52:17.199-07:00A Miracle Baby and God's RedemptionChristmas through the end of February I felt like my heart was being broken beyond repair. For a couple months I had imagined a baby being ours, a baby I tried not to love but couldn't help it. And he wasn't even born yet. <br />
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It all started when my dear friend called me one day in the fall and she said: "Sis, don't get too excited about this, but there might be a baby who needs a family." Honestly, my first thought was pain for the birth mother and my heart went out to her knowing she was in a hard situation, and what true sacrificial love she was showing her unborn baby. I didn't even tell my sweet Farmer Boy because it was all quite unreal at that point. But I could not keep my heart from falling in love with this baby boy, imagining him being our son. (oddly I knew he was a boy before anyone had seen an ultrasound) All I could do was pray. I prayed for the birth family, for the baby, for the situation to work out to God's glory, for beauty to come from a hard situation. I prayed for redemption.<br />
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Then one day in late December my friend called me back and I was rushing to get out of the house for a trip to a family funeral and she said: "Ok sis, you need to sit down". Then she told me that the birth parents wanted to meet us. I felt like I was going to pass out and I told her that I would get back to her. Then I told my sweet Husband all about the situation as we drove to the funeral, and all weekend I kept thinking how exciting it would be to bring a baby into our lives and introduce him to our families.<br />
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We decided that we would make a choice the week of Christmas. I don't know how to explain the decision we came to except that God made it very clear that this wasn't our baby. Then I called my friend and told her that God gave us a clear NO, and she asked if I could help the birth mother find the right family for her baby. My heart screamed: "NO - I can't do this", but my voice said: "ok". <br />
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Totally overwhelmed I sat in church that evening and knew I needed help in finding this family, there had been a couple ideas of people I knew who wanted to adopt, but God didn't give me peace. So when the prayer cards were turned in I wrote that there was a baby who needed a family. Later, I found out that the exact same Sunday another prayer card was filled out by an amazing woman and it read: "Baby # 2 Where are you?" <br />
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Well, the rest of the story is that I ended up making a phone call to the woman who I felt like I was giving "my" baby to, and got her and the birth mother in touch. This was in January. A couple weeks later the due date (which we thought was in the early summer) ended up being discovered and it was in March. This due date meant that for us we wouldn't have gotten a brand new home study completed in time for the baby's birth. When I think back to this detail, I cannot help but thank God that He protected us - while we might have thought we could adopt in the summer, in March or February it would have been devastating and would have created a lot of stress for the birth mother and the baby. But my new friend has already adopted and was able to complete her home study renewal with about a week to spare before the baby came.<br />
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The night he was born I felt numb. But at the same time I was hungry for pictures of the new baby and seeing his new mama's face glowing with pure bliss made me feel like he was in the right arms. Yes, I felt empty, but I also felt such peace.<br />
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I met little Alexander (his adoptive parents named him not knowing that our middle name was going to be a form of Alexander), and he was beautiful. The first time I held him I was in the hospital and his mama brought me a blizzard. And as I held him in that hospital bed, I didn't cry - I actually felt extreme joy and peace. It shocked me. I looked at his little face and I knew that God allowed him into my life not to be my baby but to introduce him to his real mama. It was a moment that will stand still in my mind forever. He was a picture of redemption. God took my broken heart and filled it with joy. He took my longing for a baby to call my own, and replaced it with peace. He took women who had no idea each other existed and brought us all together around this little boy all loving him and wanting the best for his life. <br />
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Does this mean that my heart doesn't still hurt sometimes when I see this little guy? That when I hold him sometimes I have to stop myself from imagining what it would have been like if he was mine? No, I'm still human. But I am overjoyed that God did what was best and God used me to be part of his miraculous story. God used this baby to bring me some new and wonderful friends - I am overwhelmed at God's mercy and kindness in all of this, and my heart is truly filled with joy.Alihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11039951526759234746noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5029255419444419513.post-86261452891296564272013-03-29T01:56:00.000-07:002013-03-29T02:10:21.994-07:00Why I Love Good Friday<div style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;">
<img class="rg_i" data-sz="f" name="GogOvWAvN0BCWM:" src="https://encrypted-tbn2.gstatic.com/images?q=tbn:ANd9GcTrOc1kZgLTenK0zB9ksvhTzRXUee6k91UN2G3Szi3aTC_b4JLh" style="height: 180px; margin-left: 0px; margin-top: -1px; width: 240px;" /></div>
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In our culture talking about sin is not politically correct. Everyone has their own truth, and there are very few if any absolutes. Everyone is told they have choice over everything, and whatever they choose for themselves is cool. Advertisers use sex and money to entice us to buy whatever will make us "happy" at the moment. Long term thinking about actions is often lost in the thrill of "love" or desire for more money, more things, "beauty", and power. I know this may offend some of you, but sin is real and the Bible is not a book up for any interpretation that fits our desires. There is right and there is wrong. And this is offensive. And not one of us lives up to the perfection of doing, thinking and saying what is right 100% of our lives. We ALL sin. <br />
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This is why I love Good Friday. <em>Because I know I need a Savior</em>. <br />
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I cringe when I think of the sinful thoughts I have at times, when I think of dumb things I did (knowing full well I was sinning) in college, when I know my true motives are not pure, when I am hateful or snap at my husband, when I talk disrespectfully about my fellow man, when I am a glutton, when I don't take care of the body God gave me, when I am jealous ... the list goes on and on. Every single one of us could write a list a mile or twenty long of the ways we have sinned against the Perfect God. And that's where Good Friday comes in.<br />
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Jesus, God with flesh on (as <a href="http://blogs.nsb.org/jonathanalexander/">Pastor Jonathan</a> would say), willingly died the most horrifically painful death - and He did that to take the punishment for MY sins, or YOUR sins, for the sins of <strong><em>the whole world</em></strong>. Good Friday is a day to remember and be grateful for His sacrifice. When He hung on that cross He not only felt the physical torture, He also felt the weight of all the sins of every person who will ever live. I feel such horrible weight when I have one sin on my shoulders. I cannot imagine what that felt like for the perfect Son of God. And I am so incredibly grateful. <br />
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But you know what the best part about Good Friday is? That it doesn't stay Good Friday. <em>Sunday always comes</em>, and with it the celebration of the Risen Savior. Jesus didn't stay in that Good Friday tomb, Easter Sunday came and with it all the hope and joy the world needs. We are freed from our sin! We don't have to carry the weight and punishment with us any longer.<br />
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What Jesus did on Good Friday doesn't mean that we should just go and do whatever we feel like. We still live in an imperfect world and sin is still real. In fact, Good Friday should make us want to do what is right, it should make us hate sin all the more. Good Friday should inspire us to live for the One who took our sin on His shoulders to give us the opportunity to have a real and lasting relationship with God. <br />
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So, wherever you are on this Friday, take some time to sit in the awe and wonder of the Savior. He died so that we might live. Alihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11039951526759234746noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5029255419444419513.post-69101716411999329202013-03-10T22:36:00.000-07:002014-05-14T18:06:14.993-07:00Dust(writen over a two week period)<br />
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Sometimes I wonder if God has me confused for someone else. Sometimes I look at my life and I get scarred. I get scarred that there is no use in dreaming anymore. <br />
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Tonight a baby boy is being born. A baby that I fell in love with and dreamed was MY baby. But, I'm not the mama who is rushing to the hospital to meet her adoptive son. And my heart is broken all over again. (even as my heart rejoices with extreme joy for this mama ... more on that maybe later)<br />
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Why?<br />
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Proverbs 13:12 says: "Hope deferred makes the heart sick. But desire realized brings healing to the bones." And tonight my heart is sick.<br />
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Exactly one week ago it became evident to me that the doors we had been knocking on relentlessly for going to Zambia in the late summer were shut. Something I had wanted so bad and something I had allowed myself to dream about isn't happening (at least not at this time). The door we had turned down for a specific teaching job in the states seems to be the door we are now being asked to knock on, and my stubborn heart doesn't want this. I want what WE had planned. I wanted to go to Zambia and find a child God had put in my heart there. But again, the door slammed shut. And my heart is numb.<br />
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Why?<br />
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Only one day after I started this blog, I ended up admitted to the hospital where I spent nine days, had a NG tube put in my nose (not a fun experience for those of you wondering), tests, throwing up, laying for hours in a hospital alone (when my husband was student teaching and couldn't be there). I failed at responsibilities and had to stand by and watch others scramble to cover what I usually do day to day. And my heart felt like it couldn't stand another moment of being me.<br />
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Why?<br />
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If you are thinking that I have some amazingly profound answer to my "why" questions, you can stop reading now. Because the truth is I don't know why. I don't know why God would allow my heart to love a child and then take that child from me. I don't know why God would let me dream of living in Africa (finally!) only to shut that door. I don't know why when my health has been so stable I would suddenly have to deal with a whole new set of issues and decisions about future treatments. I don't know why in the midst of health struggles I would question who I can trust with what is going on with my health, why I would struggle with being who I am and allowing God's strength to show through my weakness. <br />
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But I do know one thing.<br />
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God makes beautiful things from the dust. And that's what I cling to in moments like these. Because, right now, my life feels like dust. I am grieving the loss of dreams ... again. I am wondering what the future holds for my health ... again. And through it all with white knuckles I am clinging to the truth that God DOES make beautiful things from the dust ... from US. In all our ugliness, all our sin and selfishness, in all our brokenness and in all our pain ... beauty out of ashes. Take a moment and listen to <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OR7VOKQ0xJY">THIS</a>. Is your life in a place of dust? Trust that He can and will make beautiful things - even from what you are going through right now.<br />
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Give Him the control and let Him make what He wants from the broken dust of your life.Alihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11039951526759234746noreply@blogger.com4