A Different Kind of Happy

Don't Give Up!!

2012-02-10T18:50:00.000-08:00

I know that everyone feels like life is too hard at times and it can be tempting to just throw in the towel and give up: on work, on choosing joy in suffering, in relational struggles ... I would guarantee that if you are reading this you have been tempted to give up at some point, or maybe you are being tempted to give up right now. I needed this reminder today and God turned my eyes to this beautiful blog post. It was exactly the word I needed to hear at this moment. I hope it encourages you too!

http://www.desiringgod.org/blog/posts/dont-give-up

Desperate Days Sermons Series

2012-02-08T22:13:00.000-08:00

Hello Friends!

Sometimes when you are suffering you just want to know you are not alone. Our church has been doing a series exploring the story of Job who endured extreme suffering on many levels (health, financial, depression, loss of loved ones ...). You can listen to sermons at the following link - please do take the time to do this! I think you will find challenge and encouragement!

http://www.nsb.org/sermons/desperate-days-the-book-of-job

babies, babies everywhere!

2012-02-07T17:32:00.000-08:00

In the last 30 hours 2 sweet baby girls have been born to friends of mine. Every time I look on facebook I see pictures of newborn babies or ultrasound pictures, or see another pregnancy announcement. I am SO genuinely happy for every one of these families who are welcoming children into their homes. But last night as my Husband wrapped His strong arms around me (after I could hardly pull myself away from looking at the beauty of another newborn baby) I told Him I just want to not feel like I can't breath because the desire to have a baby is so strong. It feels like knowing I will never carry a baby inside me, never see what my Husband and my biological children would look like, never hold that brand new baby that I gave birth to ... it just feels like I'm in a nightmare that I can't wake up from.

Shouldn't it feel better by now? It's been 7 years now since I knew I would not be able to have a baby.

No physical pain comes close to this kind of loss. I've only felt it with 3 circumstances in my life: 1. when someone I love deeply choose to turn their back on God (by far the worst pain I have ever felt) 2. when I thought I wouldn't spend my life with my Farmer Boy, and 3. when I knew having a biological child would never happen for us.

I want SO badly to not have these feelings about not having children. I feel selfish for hurting for this reason when others are hurting far worse all around me. I want to rejoice in the birth of my friend's babies without feeling any sting of what I will never have. I'm definitely not perfect, and I know that on some level grief over the losses of life that are part of living in a fallen world is good. I realize that every pang of longing for what we don't have (health, children, loved ones that have gone to heaven before us ...) can be used by God to remind us that this world isn't all there is and it isn't our REAL home. I want to allow the pain in my life to always turn my eyes to eternity and to the Lord who has given me more than I deserve here on earth and into forever with Him.

Such kissable cheeks!! (nephew)

Don't get me wrong: I DO rejoice in the beauty of God's creation in the babies He has given to those around me (and I am so grateful for them sharing their babies with me - I can't get enough of precious babies!!) .. I just want to not feel anything other than that rejoicing. I want to always remember that when I am rejoicing over God's blessings in my life that someone else might be hurting or longing for what I have been given. I think the best way to help when the pain is too much to bear is to list out the blessings God has given to me, and just rejoice in what He has given to those around me without giving way to bitterness that He hasn't given me the same blessings. It's a process of learning and I want to always be open to learning every day to be more thankful. I know that I am being brutally honest here about how it feels for me walking through this road as a "babyless mother" (because I feel like I was made to be a mama). I want those who are going through this to know that you aren't alone, and to not give up growing and never ignore the beauty God can bring out of the ashes of your broken dreams.

Live Dead

2012-02-04T22:42:00.000-08:00

(quick update: the family member who was in surgery the last time I wrote is home and doing well!)

It has not been an easy week. My sweet Husband is now out of work (although already has some odd jobs landscaping lined up - he is such a diligent worker and takes his responsibility to provide very seriously!), and it has just been difficult on many levels with a lot of things going on in our lives. I'm switching medications and this has caused additional pain and that is just one issue I am dealing with on the health front - mixed with everything else going on it has felt like this week would never end. I have wondered on a daily basis how I will get through the day on many levels - and I have found the answer only in the grace of my God. I have been amazed (I know I shouldn't be shocked at His faithfulness by now) moment by moment that I'm given strength that I know I didn't have in myself. He is sustaining me and showing me such beauty and joy even in the midst of a trying time in our lives.

We started a new book together called: "The Live Dead Journal: 30 days of prayer for unreached people, 30 days of challenge" - it's a book his college is recommending and it is very good - with a daily devotion and challenge to give into the Word of God more than ever before. The whole idea behind the book is the verse in John that says: "Unless a grain of wheat falls to the ground and dies, it remains alone." - John 12:24. Here are some quotes from the book that I thought were inspiring and it has been a daily reminder that this life on earth isn't about my comfort but about God's glory and serving the people He puts in my life with His love.

"Prayer should never be understood primarily in terms of power but rather as relating to God who is the source of all power." - Dr. Gailyn Van Rheenen

"Often, we think sacrifice is Abraham, willing to give up his only son. That is love. But I've found that I relate more to Isaac. Isaac has to willingly lie on the alter and trust his father. Isaac was the sacrifice. As am I." - Charles Porter (missionary to Tanzania)

"I had utterly abandoned myself to Him. Could any choice be as wonderful as His will? Could any place be safer than the center of His will? Did not he assure me by His very presence that His thoughts toward us are good, and not evil? Death to my own plans and desires was almost deliriously delightful. Everything was laid at His nail-scarred feet, life or death, health or illness, appreciation by others or misunderstanding, success or failure as measured by human standards. Only He Himself mattered." - V Raymond Edman

Be inspired today to love 150% for Jesus. No matter what kind of day you are having He is worthy of your all. And in the midst of it you will find His strength is sufficient for all your needs.

on the other side

2012-01-30T11:31:00.000-08:00

I've had a lot of surgery and procedures in my life - I think I lost count when my incisions reached 17 on my tummy and 3 on my back. But the one thing I keep thinking today is that it's MUCH easier being the one on that table than being the one waiting to hear about a family member or friend coming through surgery.

Today someone I love deeply is having a surgical procedure and I'm waiting by the phone to hear how it went. This last few weeks with a family member being sick and needing surgery has been a reminder to me of what it has probably been like for my sweet husband (and parents and siblings and friends) when I have been in the hospital and having surgery. Visits to the hospital, sitting by their bedside, trying to find ways to cheer them up, waiting to hear from doctors, calling other family members with reports of what is going on, wondering how this will affect their life, wishing they didn't have to go through suffering ... it's a very different side of physical pain from what I am used to. I think the concern is the biggest difference. When I have been in the hospital I don't worry so much about how I am feeling (it's miserable at times and sometimes scary but when you are in the middle of it yourself you just have to go with it) but knowing someone I love is suffering physically is much harder. It's helpful for those of us with chronic health issues to see it from the other side so that we can learn to be sympathetic to our loved ones and try to make it easier on them through our attitude during times of our own ill health. It's good to be pulled outside of ourselves and think from a different perspective.

Last night our sermon was on the book of Job and how God uses suffering for good even when we don't see that being possible. I was reminder that whether enduring suffering in my own body or in the life of someone I love trusting God is the only way to get through it. I feel like that is actually easier for me when it is me who is in physical pain - I can often see God's hand in my pain .. but when I see someone I love suffering it is harder to trust that God is good. I find myself wanting to control the situation and do anything I can to make the suffering stop for them. But I need to remind myself that even as God is good in my pain, He is good in their pain and uses even hard things for the greater good.

So, here I am waiting for the phone call to know how my loved one is going after surgery - and learning to trust God with this precious person.

Snowed In!

2012-01-24T01:27:00.000-08:00

Wow! We were actually snowed in for 8 days! It was beautiful watching the snow - and even though I was extra busy with working from home and my health wouldn't let me do much playing in the snow (cold weather is hard on me) I couldn't resist making one snow angel.

It was so nice having my sweet Farmer Boy home and unable to go to school or work for a whole week! Have I said how much I love Him? (p.s. I made both of our hats!)

Of course He took the time to complete (as far as we are going to) the remodel on the little kitchen we put in when we moved here - AND the bathroom! (when we moved the ceiling was open - He put sheetrock and this week He finished mudding and painting and installing the finishing touches on lighting (I jumped in and did a bit of painting too). NO ONE can say that my Husband is lazy!

I hope it you were snowed in you had half the fun we did!

Peace like Falling Snow

2012-01-15T13:10:00.000-08:00

When I woke up this morning and looked out the window I was transformed to a child on Christmas morning: it was SNOWING! We live in the perfect place to exhibit the beauties of freshly fallen snow - our living room looks out on a valley with a creek and lots of trees in our own personal forest! I have found myself all morning sitting by the window trying to take in the beauty of each branch laden with perfectly white fluffy snow. I LOVE it!

It's been a very busy week with Joshua back to school and gone a lot of the time between work and school, and a lot of extra demands on us and our extended family with sudden illness of one family member (who is doing much better now). Waking up to snow was just a lovely little pause in our busy life to sit back and rejoice in the beauty of creation. I love how snow makes everything feels so silent and peaceful, and God knew we needed that today. I've been tempted to be bummed out that we can't go to a family birthday party that was planned for today - but instead I want to just focus on the pretty view from my window and the peacefulness that is given to us today.

I pray that whatever you are doing today you can find time to embrace peace like falling snow.

nightmare

2012-01-05T23:06:00.000-08:00

Last night I had a nightmare. It was the kind of dream that is so frightening that you wake up in a cold sweat. I reached for my Husband but he wasn't there! Apparently he had a rough night too and was up reading on the couch. I jumped out of bed and rushed into the living room and almost knocked him off the couch trying to get as close to him as I possibly could. He put those strong arms around me and I immediately felt better.

The two of us have felt lately like we are living in a nightmare of sorts in one area of our lives. It's been the most trying thing we have dealt with in our young marriage and brought us to our knees, brought me in particular to tears, and brought us many sleepless nights. Sometimes we find ourselves just wishing that we would wake up from this bad dream. I would imagine that just like everyone has suffering in life, everyone goes through times in the valley or times that a situation in life feels like a nightmare they can't wake up from.

My mind just keeps going back to the amazing comfort I found in the arms of my Husband last night when I woke from my nightmare. I instantly felt safe and I also realized as he held me that the thing that was so incredibly scary to me in the middle of the dream - was actually kind of silly as I looked back at it. The comfort He gave me was incredible and complete. As followers of the Creator of the Universe - we have the most comforting Arms to run to when we experience the inevitable nightmares of life. God is never busy (and unlike my sweet Husband who wasn't in bed when I had my dream last night - He is RIGHT there when we reach for Him every single time). God's comfort is complete, and as we rest in the ultimate safety of His arms even the most horrible nightmares loose some of their sting. Just like last night I was totally freaked out until I was in Joshua's arms - nothing can truly comfort us in the nightmares of life other than the Arms of our Savior. There is no adequate substitute for that comfort.

Today was a big day for Joshua and I as we faced a very important part of our living nightmare. We prayed with every breath today. As we went about our day which was full of errands and being busy, NOTHING could comfort us except prayer. I think it's not an exaggeration that without the Arms of Jesus to run to today, we would be a huge mess tonight. And yet we're not. I think we'll sleep in peace tonight knowing that we made it, and forever wrapped in the loving and comforting Arms of our God.

What will I say at midnight?

2011-12-31T17:54:00.000-08:00

As the end of 2011 has gotten closer and closer I've been tempted to shout: "GOOD RIDDANCE" at the old year as we welcome 2012, or possibly hide my head under a blanket and wait the old year out scarred 3 year old style.

At a glance 2011 has been an incredibly hard year. We have seen more of the inhumanity and cruelty of humans than maybe ever before. We have struggled through situations with life and work and school that tested every ounce of courage we didn't have in ourselves. We had times of intense hope on the medical front only to see that hope dashed like so many times in the past. We watched our dear friends bury their baby. We have been grieved to the core by people we love abandoning their resolve to follow God's way even when it isn't easy, and choosing to live in opposition to everything we used to fight for together. We have felt isolated and alone. We have often felt like we lived in the twilight zone because of the chaos all around us and often inside our own hearts. We have sat sleepless nights crying out to God for answers, begging for an end to suffering.

He didn't bring an end.

As we enter 2012 many of the same situations are still part of our life. Our eyes, which we have longed to close so we didn't have to see the pain around us, are wide open. And we have a choice as we always do: we can allow the pain of 2011 to make us bitter and closed, or we can allow the peace of God which passes all comprehension to guard our hearts and minds in Christ Jesus. We can hate the circumstances we have been placed in, or we can love the people around us who are hurting in very real ways. We can speak of God's joy and peace and then act like it doesn't make any difference choosing to live in a perpetual bad mood, or we can take to heart what we believe to be true and let it make us beautiful people with beautiful attitudes.

2011 was probably the hardest year of our lives thus far. Yet, if we look deeper we can see blessings that came directly from walking through this valley:
1. Relationships deepened through walking alongside others in their pain.
2. Patience with those who need it from us on a daily basis. (I;m definately still working on this one!)
3. Joy in little things: moments just the two of us alone together, peaceful walks, a trip to the lake for a quick swim before church, singing, poetry, mastering a new recipe, the 3 baby summer squash we harvested from our garden, the Farmer's Market, camping trip even in the rain, going to class with my Husband, laughing with my Grammie, lunch with my sisters, text messages from friends, hugs from my brothers, the Grocery Outlet! (Brie is only $1.49!!!), wisdom from parents, flowers and the joy of arranging them .... the list goes on and on.
4. Clarity in our future dreams. 2 New Year's Eve's ago my sweet husband hugged me and as I cried and told him that I didn't know how to dream anymore, he told me that he would help me dream again. It's taken time, but I am beginning to REALLY dream. That dream includes our plans after his graduations to move to Africa where he will teach and I will hold babies in a high risk orphanage. This dream is most precious to me because we have been in contact with this orphanage for awhile now and are planning to begin the adoption process 3 months after we move there. There are a LOT of variables with this dream - but we are excited about the possibility! We know that God can change the way this dream looks over the next 18 months, but we are taking the first steps and holding onto His mighty hand for guidance every step of the way.

So, as we say good-bye to 2011 I won't yell: "GOOD RIDDANCE!!" out the door at midnight. Instead, I'll breath a sigh of peace and joy in all that God did through the challenges, and a prayer of thanks that no matter what 2012 holds for us, we will have that Everlasting Arm to lean on with each new day.

The Christmas Story

2011-12-27T13:50:00.000-08:00

Merry Christmas a day late! I saw this on a friend's blog and just had to share with all of you! The accents make it even more incredible and cute. Enjoy!

faith in the midst of suffering

2011-12-26T22:44:00.000-08:00

http://misadventuresofmama.wordpress.com/2011/12/25/when-christmas-hurts/

The beautiful writer of this real, raw blog post is one of my most precious friends. Please be praying for this family and learn something from this very true faith in the face of a very hard time.

1. I Heard The Bells On Christmas Day - Casting Crowns

2011-12-17T12:47:00.000-08:00

I thought this remake of one of my favorite Christmas songs was perfect for the post about peace I just wrote ..

Peace

2011-12-17T12:41:00.000-08:00

This Christmas season I find myself longing for one thing above all else: peace. When there is chaos all around how is peace even possible? The answer is Jesus.

Not one of us can orchestrate our lives (or anyone else's lives) to be free from pain, suffering and the chaos around us. What we do have control over is our attitude and where we turn when life becomes hard. Turning to Jesus in times of stress or pain doesn't take away the situation - but it can change our heart and make it easier to bear.

Yes, I do still long for peace in the situations around me. I do long for suffering to end. I do long for relationships to be healed. I long for those who are sick to be healed. I long for war to end. I long for orphans to have homes. I long for crime to end. I long for everyone to have the hope and peace that Jesus only can provide. But for the deepest part of me I am learning (I have so far to go) to embrace the peace and joy that is given me through Jesus even though my heart is so heavy with the chaos all around.

Redemption of our Loss

2011-12-15T01:34:00.000-08:00

Sometimes our biggest loses can become our biggest gains.   Seven years ago today I went in for surgery with the 50/50 chance that they would do a hysterectomy. I honestly never really thought that would happen. I thought that God would let me die on that operating table rather than ask me to live a life without my longest and deepest dream of carrying a baby inside me. But I was wrong. (and I am so thankful!)

Being married now (going on 2 and half years) the pain of being barren is greater every day. You would think it would get better with time - but as I see my friends and younger siblings having babies left and right and as I watch myself grow older I sometimes panic feeling like adoption is too long of a road for us and we're not even to the starting point yet.

But then I remember the Lord I love with all my heart.

And I remember that He is the great Redeemer. His business is taking things that are not right, or useful, or perfect, or beautiful and making them great. He took the sin of the whole world on His own shoulders and gave us hope and forgiveness - He turns loss into victory every day. December 15 will never be forgotten for me. But I want the grief I feel over the loss of being able to bear a child be a reminder of the greatness of the Redeemer I serve. I want to always remember that God took this loss of mine (and now of my sweet Husband too) and turned it into our great gain. If God brings us children to call our own on this earth - or finds some other way to use our love for children - I want His name to be praised.

I know that His redemption of our loss will be beautiful even though I don't know exactly what it will look like yet - and that makes me super excited. :)

Joy Is Like the Rain

2011-12-12T23:36:00.000-08:00

At the beautiful memorial service on Sunday for Mrs. S (see previous post) her family sang this song. I had never heard it before so I came home and found this version on Utube and thought I would share. It is a beautiful old song describing joy. Mrs. S had great joy despite great physical suffering and pain. An example we can all learn from as we walk this life.

Hope and the best chocolate cake ever

2011-12-08T13:43:00.000-08:00

As a shy 15 year old I was hesitant to go to my first Sunday School class at our new church. I was glad that my brother was with me as we walked into the little room. We were greeted by a sweet lady with snow white hair and a box full of puppets! Mrs. S (as she told us to call her) had a firm hand and beautiful spirit.   We spend Sunday School hour reading through Proverbs and practicing puppet skits and songs. Sometimes we would practice puppets on a Saturday and Mrs. S would make sloppy joes and chocolate cake with delicious icing for lunch. Through the years Mrs. S had a lot of influence on my heart and development into a young lady. I knew that she suffered from chronic health afflictions, yet she was always ready to ask about how I was doing - the focus was never on herself.   Her deep faith in God through the suffering she endured (which included loss of a leg due to diabetes) was a testimony to everyone who knew her. As our Pastor's wife the sermon she gave just by how she lived was beautiful. On our wedding day she was there and I found her in the crowd and we hugged before my Farmer Boy and I took off on our honeymoon (she said it was about time that he married me!) She said our wedding was the most beautiful she and her husband had ever seen. I remember the last time they had us over to their house - she baked a delicious poppy seed chicken dish and her house was spotless and decorated so beautifully as always. I always admired the wonderful housewife she was (she had 7 children just like my mama!) and the sweet relationship Pastor Dave and Mrs. S had - faithfully married all those years.

Yesterday morning Mrs. S went to heaven. My heart is grieved deeply for the loss her family has suffered - she will be greatly missed. But I am also rejoicing that Mrs. S is seeing our Savior face to face in a place with no more pain where she is whole and healed.   The Bible says that we grieve when someone we love has passed away - but not as those who have no hope.

I've been thinking a lot about hope lately. We use the word hope more like a wish: "I hope Santa brings me a new car for Christmas", " I hope I don't catch that cold bug" ... but the Bible uses the word hope much differently. It is a confident expectation. A CONFIDENT EXPECTATION. The confidence is because Jesus Christ (fully God putting on human flesh to save us) came as a baby so many years ago and then died for our sins (and raised from the dead!) so that we might live in heaven with Him forever. He took away the deep hopelessness of death and replaced it with confidence and joy. Yes, we grieve. What I would give to see Mrs. S again. But we also have hope. Hope that those who believe will see her again in heaven someday.   Hope does not disappoint.

I wonder if Mrs. S will be making chocolate cake in heaven - serving others as she always has.

IF

2011-12-01T22:42:00.000-08:00

My Grammie and Daddy have instilled in me a deep deep love of poetry. My youngest brother memorized this one and when he recited it I got teary eyed. The words are so good and so many good character traits to pray for and strive to embody. It's far too easy for people to make excuses because of their area of suffering whatever it may be - and I want to always fight against that selfish mentality. Just because someone is in physical pain, or emotional pain, financial suffering, relational problems .. whatever kind of suffering (and everyone has some kind of pain in their life) doesn't mean that they get the "right" to not aim high in life and in character. There are always going to be different struggles that we all have to overcome, but we can overcome day by day through the grace of God! Be encouraged and even though it may be hard - it is worth it to reach for a good goal ... I am in the process of memorizing this poem and am through the first section in 2 days!! The hardest line so far has been: "If you can wait and not be tired by waiting" ... I'm working on that one.

IF

you can keep your head when all about you

Are losing theirs and blaming it on you;

If you can trust yourself when all men doubt you,

But make allowance for their doubting too:

If you can wait and not be tired by waiting,

Or, being lied about, don't deal in lies,

Or being hated don't give way to hating,

And yet don't look too good, nor talk too wise;

If you can dream---and not make dreams your master;

If you can think---and not make thoughts your aim,

If you can meet with Triumph and Disaster

And treat those two impostors just the same:.

If you can bear to hear the truth you've spoken

Twisted by knaves to make a trap for fools,

Or watch the things you gave your life to, broken,

And stoop and build'em up with worn-out tools;

If you can make one heap of all your winnings

And risk it on one turn of pitch-and-toss,

And lose, and start again at your beginnings,

And never breathe a word about your loss:

If you can force your heart and nerve and sinew

To serve your turn long after they are gone,

And so hold on when there is nothing in you

Except the Will which says to them: "Hold on!"

If you can talk with crowds and keep your virtue,

Or walk with Kings---nor lose the common touch,

If neither foes nor loving friends can hurt you,

If all men count with you, but none too much:

If you can fill the unforgiving minute

With sixty seconds' worth of distance run,

Yours is the Earth and everything that's in it,

And---which is more---you'll be a Man, my son!

Rudyard Kipling

Ali's Thanksgiving Carol

2011-11-24T00:26:00.000-08:00

It's Thanksgiving!!! I absolutely love this holiday set aside to be Thankful. I love the emphasis on family, the farming harvest, I love baking and cooking and blessing those I love through what I make, I love being reminded to be thankful to the God who gives us so so much. I love pretty much everything about this holiday. So take a journey with me to my Thanksgivings Past, and maybe we will all be reminded of what we are thankful for: (enter wistful music and twirling feeling like on Dicken's Christmas Carol)

1. I'm just 18 or 19 - lying there in a cold hospital room in Canada of all places! This was the first Thanksgiving I remember where things were very different for me. I became quite sick (gallbladder but they didn't know it then) and was put in the tiny local hospital for 5 days I think. They put me on a liquid diet. I remember clearly talking to my sweet Daddy on the phone and he told me maybe they would let me eat cranberry jello since it was Thanksgiving day. The whole experience was a blur - but looking back I am so thankful for my big sister who spent so much time watching over me and loving on me, and for friends who were by my side during that time. On to the next Thanksgiving a few years later ...

2. Lying on the couch and my parents home. I had to stay home from the family Thanksgiving because I was sick recovering from strep throat. My parents and whole family was over 2 hours away and the doctor told me to rush to the ER because I was having trouble breathing. My mom told me to call the neighbors (who just so happened to be the family of my sweet Farmer Boy!) and Joshua himself came and drove me to the local ER (we were not dating at the time but best friends) I told him to just drop me off and go back to his family Thanksgiving dinner. But he refused and stayed in the ER with me for hours making me laugh and talking with me. His parents waited on having dinner til after 8pm when they let me go home. I was overwhelmed by his and their generosity. I started seriously falling in love with him. :)

3. My very first home alone - and this year I was sick again and couldn't make the trip to the family dinner. Joshua (who by now was my intended) was away with his family in another state. I was really alone. My amazing parents came to my house and dropped off a lovely slice of pumpkin pie before heading to the family dinner. I wore my Farmer Boy's big cozy sweater all day. Perhaps this Thanksgiving was one in which I learned the most because I was really alone and I could have let it ruin it, but I decided to make the most of it and enjoy my day just me and my God. It was so blessed and full of reminders of what I am Thankful for. Now on to the last Thanksgiving memory ...

4. I really disliked this hospital - maybe because I was hospitalized for a couple weeks - very sick with pericarditis. I was downtown and my sweet Farmer Boy spent every possible moment by my side. On Thanksgiving I was very depressed, my family stopped by and Joshua went home to have dinner with his family (which I definitely didn't want to make him miss!) but at around 10pm he called and said he was coming back to spend the night at the hospital with me. I was so surprised that he would drive 2 hours after a busy day to spend time with me because he knew how lonely I was. (twirling feeling and music and suddenly we're back to the present)

The point of this journey to Thanksgivings Past is to remind you all (and myself) that no matter where you are today, or who is with you, or how you are feeling - there are always blessings and reasons to be Thankful.

Thanksgiving Present: At the moment I am fighting a cold among other things. I got the news from my doctor today that I have to really be careful of what I eat and may even have to be on a liquid diet (because of the likelyhood that my pancreas is upset again)...which is disappointing since I just LOVE all the butter and yumminess of Thanksgiving dinner. BUT I am choosing now to find joy in the God who is always with me. I may or may not spend the day around a table with the family I love ... but whatever the case I am grateful. It's not easy - I feel very disappointed about possibly missing the day with family and my Husband .. but it is a choice I need to make. (update: my cold held back enough for me to go to the family dinner and even though I wasn't able to eat everything I had a lovely time!)

I would love to hear your Thanksgiving stories!

Walking through the valley

2011-11-23T10:03:00.000-08:00

There are times when for whatever reason: relational problems, physical pain or illness, depression, loss of work, loneliness, isolation, financial troubles, new diagnosis, death of a loved one ... it seems our bodies try to protect us by "turning off" our emotions. We find ourselves going through the motions of day to day life not something is missing. I've had this happen a few times in my life: after my Grandpa died when I was 15, when surgery ended up not relieving the pain ... So what do we do in times when we feel this way?

Keep going.

I've found that there are times when you just have to force yourself to do the things you don't "feel" like doing. Go to work. Clean the house. Even sometimes getting up in the morning. And even though this may not change the way you feel, it helps you get through the time in the valley.

It's frustrating wanting your emotions to catch up with what you know and believe to be true. But eventually they will. Don't give up but keep on going and do things that you know you used to like doing or things that you know are important: read the Bible, pray - even if you don't know the words to say God cares how you are feeling, spend time with others who are encourage you, cook, garden, sing ... these things can give you little glimmers of what you used to love and help pull you out of the self-defeating feelings or lack of feelings.

Do these times that everyone goes through steal away all joy and hope? They don't have to! Joy is based not on changing emotions but on truth - the truth that God is with us no matter what, the truth of heaven, the truth of those around us who love us for who we are, the truth of the beauty in creation! That is one of the main reasons I wanted to start this blog - to remind myself and others that there IS a joy or "a different kind of happy" that is not based on circumstances.

Do any of you have ideas for what you do when you are going through a valley in life? I would love to hear!

Not just a body

2011-11-14T15:29:00.000-08:00

“Life depends on the physical body, but the physical body is not what life is all about” (Unknown)

I've been reminded so much lately that life is so much more than this body of ours. When friends find out they have cancer, dear friends and family get closer to the end of a long life, diagnosis change, young people are snatched from life during a car accident ... there is just so much to remind me that these bodies we all have are not what makes us who we are. The beauty of the human soul shines forth even on the death bed. We all have the choice every day if we will let whatever is happening to our physical body determine our attitude, or not. What is happening to our body is often not in our control. But we can choose what our true LIFE is going to be. We can choose to have joy in our lives even in sadness, we can choose to trust God with all that we are, we can choose to love those around us. Life is SO much more ... so live today a full life no matter what.

A shoulder to cry on ...

2011-11-10T17:41:00.000-08:00

Last night I was watching true story about a sweet young woman who had given birth to a still born baby. It was a heart-breaking story. I cannot imagine that pain and loss. She was pregnant again and struggling with panic and fear that she would loose this baby too (she didn't!).

The pain of loosing a child must be nearly unbearable. I have sat with one of my closest friends and cried with her when she lost a baby. There is no comfort to offer in those moments. My friend told me the worst "comforting words" were from people who told her that she was young and could have more babies. She wanted to be allowed to grieve the loss of THIS baby and not have her pain belittled in any way. Every person has suffering and pain unique to them. No one can feel someone else's pain.

Back to the story I saw last night: one thing this young lady said stood out to me. She said that when her baby died her group of friends grew silent. No one called. No one commented. No one was there. Just silence. She felt neglected in her time of greatest need. What a shame! But, unfortunately it is not rare for this to happen. Pain, loss, death, cancer, mysterious illnesses, divorce, affairs, loss of faith .. all of these times of deep suffering are hard for people to bear. Friends may disappear because they feel it is too hard to walk through this suffering. People don't know what to say because they feel if they say the wrong thing they will cause more pain. It's human nature to want to shrink away from pain - in others as well as in ourselves. But I am challenging us all to NOT. You don't have to have the answers. You don't have to know some amazing thing to say to that friend who is hurting. You don't have to feel comfortable with the situation. You just have to be there. Offer support in little ways: make a meal, offer to babysit, pray for them (and let them KNOW!), call them on the phone, send a text, offer to clean their house .. drive them to the doctor ... there are SO many ways to offer support.

I long to be a better friend to those around me. I sometimes shrink back just because in this place of life we are in I don't get the opportunity to be away from the house much or even have people over much .. BUT I can still pray and I can send a message to someone who is hurting. Don't do nothing just because you can't do everything. Together we can ease some of the pain around us and at least offer a shoulder for that friend to cry on when they need it.

Jesus: the best dream of heaven

2011-11-08T16:02:00.000-08:00

I wasn't sure what to post today - nothing really in my own life exciting to write about right now (except my walk today with the gloriously crispt fall air, the crunchy yellow leaves beneath my feet .. yep that was pretty amazing!). But in general, I'm not feeling very motivated to write at the moment - and when I read this article I knew I had to share!!

http://www.desiringgod.org/blog/posts/questioning-our-hope-and-refocusing-our-wonder

It's so important to keep our focus away from ourselves, our pain ,our healing, our longing for the freedom from suffering in heaven - and to keep our eyes on Jesus - the reason for every blessing we have or long for someday in heaven.

Is Life Worth Living? Carol's Story!

2011-11-04T16:15:00.000-07:00

Carol is a beautiful person whom I met through the blog! Her story is inspiring as she has been through something very difficult that has changed her life. But she still says life if worth living and that takes courage and a strong spirit. Here is her story:

"Hello everybody. I am a 54 year old living in Wales in the United Kingdom. Until a year ago I was a vibrant fun loving woman who hadnt a care in the world. Then Bang...A brain heamorrhage turned my life upside down.This last year has been a nightmare for me and those around me. I am scared to go out of my front door, scared to be alone in my home and scared to go out alone. But with the help of those around me I am getting better slowly. My whole perception of the world around me has changed. I look at everything differently now. People, places, flowers, trees all have a meaning to me unlike before.Everything is "special".Everybody is special. I no longer take anything for granted. It all has a meaning whether its a little dog running past my house or a little child crying. Its all a big deal for me now. So to all those who are thinking that life isnt worth living...believe me it is. You never know whats around the corner. Love to you all. Carol.XXX "

Expected Life

2011-11-04T11:59:00.000-07:00

Facebook is fun because you can see pictures of the lives of friends you have lost touch with over the years - see what their wedding was like, drool over their beautiful babies etc. It's also fun because a few of my old friends and acquaintances are now bloggers and they share stories about their lives and mostly pictures of their families.

Last night before bed I happened to look at the latest post of a childhood friend of mine. She shared gorgeous photos of a beautiful baby boy .. their trip to the pumpkin patch, her husband carving pumpkins with the little guy ... just the cutest photos that made me imagine what her life is like. She started off the blog by saying that when she was a little girl and pictured her life THIS is what she pictured. She didn't know the details (who she would marry, what her baby would look like etc.) but she is living her dream life. I am very happy for her - her family is gorgeous and their life looks beautiful (now I know that even the most "perfect" looking life has struggles and I am not saying her life is free of those by any means).

Her words got me thinking as I went to bed last night. My mind was flooded with pictures of a gorgeous little red-haired boy. And I thought: what would it be like to be living my childhood dream?   When I was a kid I wanted first and foremost to be a mama. I played house all the time, pretended to be pregnant. I had lots of baby dolls and loved rocking them to "sleep". As I grew into a teen being a mama was still my #1 goal. I wanted as many kids as I could have. Second to being a mom I wanted to be a missionary and travel to far off lands helping those in need. But being a mama was always my first dream and my deepest dream.   Right now I literally have 9 friends posting pregnancy pictures on facebook - complaining about being "fat", sharing ultra-sound photos .. I have countless friends posting baby pictures - literally everywhere I look are more baby pictures.   And I can't help but feel like these friends are living MY dream!   (I am sure it was their dream too - or maybe for some of them it wasn't their original dream, but they do seem pretty excited about it now.) Am I saying that people shouldn't share their baby news with me? NO WAY! I absolutely love looking at the adorable baby bumps my friends are sporting. I spend a lot of time just enjoying the beauty of the babies my friends have made. I treasure being brought into this exciting part of the lives of my friends. But, to say that I never feel jealous would be a lie. I questioned if I should even post this because I don't want my pregnant friends to read it and feel bad for the blessing growing inside them! I don't want my grief of infertility to taint the joy of their fertility. But, after talking with a friend who is also struggling with infertility I realized that it might be helpful to express some of depth of suffering involved with infertility.

Living my dream will never happen in the way that I dreamed it would. I will never carry a baby inside me. My sweet Husband and I are in a funny place right now - without a home of our own just trying to get him through school, unable to pursue adoption at this time .. our life is far from the dream and expectation I had as a child.

BUT, that doesn't mean that our life is bad. There are beautiful things every moment that maybe we need to focus a little harder to see - but they are there.   God has given us wonderful people in our lives. He has given us both very challenging ministries to people who are hurting in some way. He has given us responsibilities. He has given us the lives of beautiful nieces and nephews, god-children to be involved in and enjoy. He has given us a warm place to stay (even if it isn't our dream farm house!). He has given us laughter. He has given us beauty in little things. He has given us music. He has given us a sweet garden. He has given us a wonderful church. He has given us opportunities for growth. He has given us each other! (I often tell my Joshua that he is my dream that has come true and I am SO grateful for our marriage!)   He has blessed us beyond words even though for the most part, this life is not what we expected or dreamed.

I rejoice for the life He has given us because I know He gives what we need even when sometimes as a spoiled child I feel like pouting that He didn't give me what I wanted.   May His grace transform my heart to want more than anything what He wants for me - for us.   For His dream to become my dream.

Tell YOUR Story!

2011-11-03T14:39:00.000-07:00

I was totally shocked. I know that some people have different views of illness and life and death etc. but to come face to face with such a very different mentality about suffering, productively, and life made me feel like the wind was knocked out of me. I spend a lot of talk communicating with people in various walks of life, many dealing with health issues, many not. This person I came into contact with has shown over and over that they are either afraid of or very judgemental of ill health. By literally mocking those who are sick, and saying things about how those with ill health have no reason to be alive - (because they can't be productive), how this person doesn't want those with health problems in their family .. it goes on and on.

I don't know what has influenced this worldview - maybe their parents were harsh toward people who were sick, or maybe they fear being sick so much that they have created this mindset. Maybe they have seen people who are disabled taking advantage of it and using the situation in selfish ways ... And in fairness - this person is not very involved in knowing that I even have daily health struggles. But the whole situation got me thinking.

I don't buy into this worldview for a moment. I do know that suffering can make you feel useless at times, and may make you question your place in this world. (believe me I have gone through those stages) But, I know too many stories of people who faced serious and debilitating health issues yet were amazing productive forces in the world. I also know myself that I wouldn't give up my life for anything - pain and all. I don't think my life is a waste at all and I have a lot of joy even amidst the pain. But what I want from you is YOUR STORY. I want to know what you feel about this issue and why you feel your life is worth living even in the middle of whatever suffering you endure. You can email your stories at differentkindofhappy@gmail.com and your story might just be published here on my blog!

Let's encourage each other and change the mindset that ill health makes life unworthy!

beauty

2011-11-02T13:12:00.000-07:00

As I turned the corner I was enveloped in light. It literally took my breath away and brought tears to my eyes it was so beautiful. The trees covered with red leaves made a tunnel of the road and as I drove through I was overwhelmed by the immense beauty of creation - and because I know Who made those trees my heart was turned to worship.

Beauty.

The bad news and sad news is all around us. Suffering is part of the human condition - and it will be part of each person's experience in one way or another during our time of this earth. We need to each be doing all we can to face the darkness and make even a "small" difference by bringing light. But, one thing I have found to be helpful when I feel overwhelmed by the sadness and sickness and suffering all around (and in) me, is to focus on the beauty that is still very evident if we just open our eyes to it.

Like the leaves yesterday. I was in a hurry - trying to get to a doctor appointment which was making me nervous because I have never driven to this doctor or even on this hwy - and I am dreadful with directions. So I could have missed out on the beauty of that magical moment in the tree tunnel, but I decided to enjoy to drive even though I was nervous. And in the end I made it to my cardiologist just fine AND I got a beautiful reminder of the beauty of creation and the Creator on the way!

Take the time to open your eyes to the beauty God puts all around us - even in the midst of the busyness of life and the suffering you may be facing.

Financial Suffering

2011-10-30T23:17:00.000-07:00

Wondering if milk or bread is more important. Choosing which bills can wait being paid. Making up excuses not to get together with friends because you're too embarrassed to admit you can't afford to go out.... I am sure that these ring a bell with more than a few of you reading. In our economy there are many people out of work. In exploring suffering I wanted to touch on this area of suffering: so that those in this situation wouldn't feel alone, and those not suffering from lack of money/jobs would be compassionate to those who are. While, the suffering in the United States is nowhere near the depth and scale of the poverty in countries in Africa, India etc. - it is still very real and very painful for the individuals and families faced with poverty.

I've seen men hunched over with shame when interview after interview fell through - the weight of responsibility pushing heavily on their shoulders. I've seen mothers go without to make sure their babies have food to eat. I've seen sick people ignoring symptoms because of no way to pay doctor bills. Poverty is a very real and very painful suffering.

I have also seen God provide in beautiful and big ways - even miraculous ways! When I was in college living with a sweet family who were living day to day working as hard as they could to get through school, I saw a miracle. It may have been a little miracle, but a miracle nonetheless. One night we didn't have food for the next day - and the family and I all say around the table and prayed for God to provide. The parents felt pressure as they had two lovely little girls, but they were not fretting they always trusted that God would take care of them. The next day mysteriously a bag of groceries was left by the door! Now, if no food had arrived would that mean that God was not good? Or that He didn't listen? No. I won't pretend to understand why God answered yes that time, and yet other times people I know have gone hungry ... but I do know that God hears every prayer and that His answer is always good. I have prayed over and over to be healed from my pain - and yet God has not answered yes to that prayer. And I see good that has come from my NOT being healed every day.

Sometimes God lifts the pain and gives a beautiful blessing. Other times He leaves the pain and gives a beautiful blessing.

I think the key for our reaction in times of financial (and every kind) of suffering is to trust. We need to be responsible to do all that we can, but that when we have done our best to realize that God will do what is best with our situation. I am the type that just wants to fix it! I have a small home floral business, and I am just longing for some weddings to books for next year. I want to help my husband get through school. I want to relieve some pressure from our budget. I want to save for adoption. But when I have done all I can, I need to just sit back and know that this really isn't in my control. I have to wait and see what God will do. That is very hard for me. I'm an action type of girl. Waiting is the last thing I want to be doing about this! I want to make it work. I want to relieve some of the financial struggles we face. But I am asked to just rest in God's arms and trust Him.

Texting at 12:51 am

2011-10-28T00:52:00.000-07:00

I like texting. It seems less demanding than talking on the phone to me - and since my sweet Husband is up studying late I am not disturbing him by talking. But I have been sitting here for quite a while texting 2 conversations at the same time.

One is with a sweet friend who is recovering from VERY painful surgery. She has had surgeries over and over and definately knows physical and emotional pain.

The second is a dear friend who is going through very hard emotional and relational suffering right now. This friend has been through a lot and my heart goes out to her.

My heart just aches for both of my friends tonight. And texting them both just reinforces the truth that ALL of us have some kind of pain in our lives. And also reminds me that we NEED each other to get through it all. God didn't make a mistake when he made more than just one human. He knew that we would need each other to be stretched and to grow and to comfort and challenge and love each other. I'm not always the best friend in the world .. I think it's an area I struggle with and it has never come easy. When I was a kid I often just played outside all by myself .. or with my stuffed animals and dolls .. but that's a rabbit trail! Being a good friend takes energy and sometimes I don't feel like I have it. But I am determined to always work on being better at this - because it is just too important! I treasure the true friends that are in my life, and I want to be the listening ear and comforting arms that my friends need.

I don't know how much help texting at 12:49 am is .. but it's what I have to give right now, that and my prayers.

Putting the apples back in the cart

2011-10-27T13:11:00.000-07:00

One thing that I think everyone would agree is difficult about having health issues and chronic pain is that it seems whenever you get into a good routine with life something topples the apple cart .. so to speak. I was walking or doing just some bit of exercise every day (by walking i mean like even a 10 minute slow walk - which was awesome for me!), and I was eating well avoiding sugar etc, and taking all my medications at the right times .... But it does always seem like something happens to mess up my schedule and then I have the choice of leaving it all messed up or getting back up and trying again. There are things that are often helpful for chronic conditions: some type of exercise (even exercises done sitting etc.), eating healthy whole foods, drinking lots of water .. basically all the things that are good for every human. The difference is that those of us with chronic pain sometimes will suffer greater immediate pain if we don't do these things (every human will at some point if they don't live healthy .. but that's a different soapbox!). Our bodies are a gift from God and weather we are "normal" or in chronic pain we have a responsibility to take care of them to the best of our ability!

So, back to the apple cart. This week I just pretty much gave up on everything for a few days. Partly because of a flair up I needed to not do a lot of physical exercise (but I could have done very light stretches etc.), and partly because I somehow lost motivation. Just like anything, we have choices about what we do in situations like this. And I'm choosing to get back up and pick up the apples and get going on taking better care of myself again. Today was a LOVELY day so I went out and walked (for 14 minutes!) and made a nice healthy breakfast with apples and oats .. and I ordered some vitamins which are about to run out. No one else is responsible for my body, so I need to do all I can to take care of it! Just because our bodies may not work perfectly, doesn't mean we get out of the work of taking care of them! In fact, I guess we have more responsibility to do all we can to be healthy. No saying: "If I was stronger I would exercise", "If I felt better I would eat healthy." No excuses! (believe me I have used them plenty in my life but I am realizing that excuses get me nowhere!)

What are YOU doing to stay healthy today?

Now We're on FACEBOOK!

2011-10-25T23:37:00.000-07:00

I haven't quite figured out how to add a facebook link on my gadgets - but I think this will take you there! I did this so that my friends on my personal fb won't have to see links to my new posts but those who are wanting to follow can do that separately! Let me know if it works and feel free to share my fb page with any of your friends on fb who might be interested of encouraged by reading.

https://www.facebook.com/differenthappyali

A Lost Balloon

2011-10-25T00:52:00.000-07:00

You know when you were a little kid and you had that amazing helium balloon? You were so excited about it and you wanted to show everyone. You wanted to take it with you everywhere and your mama tied it onto your arm so that it wouldn't fly away? Did the tie ever come undone and suddenly before your little hands could grasp it your precious balloon had slipped away - flying up to the clouds. It happened so fast, and you couldn't stop it. Do you know that feeling?
I do.

It isn't important why I feel like this all over again tonight. I am sure that lost dreams are a very common thing for every human - maybe more common with those of us with chronic health issues, maybe not. But whatever the case, I feel like my big beautiful balloon just slipped from my hands and my heart is broken .. again.

I'd be lying to say that I never ask God why. That I never scream into heaven for fulfilment of my dreams - like a spoiled child begging for what she wants more than anything. But even in those moments crying out to heaven from my broken heart I know that He is bigger. Bigger than my whys. Bigger than my tears. Bigger than my lost dreams. In moments like these, I feel so tempted to never dream again. What's the point right? I feel like I cannot stand another shattered dream. I mean, I'm only human! But, I also don't want to stop. I don't want to totally loose hope that dreams can come true (after all my sweet Husband is the one proof I hold onto that dreams DO come true!). And I don't want to loose hope in a God who is big enough to use dreams: broken or come true for His glory.

The only thing that keeps me from totally giving up on ever dreaming again, is the beautiful truth that God is the composer for the song of my life. I'm the instrument. No matter how many low notes there are in this song, He knows the beauty of low and high notes in perfect harmony. He will use these broken dreams - these low notes in my song - to bring glory to His beautiful name. I will keep dreaming - and He'll keep writing the song of my life. How I long for it to be beautiful music to His ears.

A Sweet Shoulder

2011-10-23T13:04:00.000-07:00

I didn't know how to explain what I felt. In only 3 weeks I was heading to have a hysterectomy. This day it shouldn't have mattered so much more except that circumstances suddenly made the reality hit me hard: I would not be a "normal" women after this surgery. My body would forever bear the scars of the results of this fallen world we live in. My body would never function reproductively again. I would never be able to feel a baby kicking inside me, never get the joy of telling my Husband we were pregnant, never see a baby that was my own genetically. On this particular day (November 24, 2004), the reality of what was about to be taken from me hit me hard. As I tried to hold the tears in I ran and threw myself onto my bed. My little sister followed me. She asked what was wrong and I only had to say 3 words but she totally understood. As the hot tears fell down my cheeks, my little sister wrapped her arms around me and held me close. And I just cried. I didn't have to go into detail, I didn't have to explain. She knew. And rather than lecture me on how God would bring me babies someday, and how much better I would feel after surgery ... she just was quiet and was with me in my grief.

Why am I telling this story now? Well, I think people who are not going through a specific pain or grief sometimes feel like they can't help those who are. I think people feel like they have to have something eloquent to say, or make sense of the suffering. But, in my experience, the most comforted I have ever felt has been through people like my sister who are just quiet and grieve with me in my pain. No judgement. No reasoning. Just pure uncluttered compassion.

Who in your life is grieving or hurting today? Let us all remember to love and offer a shoulder to cry on - sometimes it is the best gift we can give.

Doctors can still learn and grow too!

2011-10-22T16:59:00.000-07:00

Oh it's been a long day. Today I am extra thankful for aleve, and pillows, cable TV, my heating pad, and a shower. I really wish that shower was a bath tub - but warm water of any kind of very helpful on days like today.

When I focus on how I feel on days like this it can be discouraging. But, if I try hard there is always something good to think about. Oddly enough, today that good thing is my doctor.

I saw my pcp this week and it was a shock to me to hear her say a few things. First of all, she has been my main doctor for years and has seen me through a lot - finding specialists and reviewing all the test results etc. from every doctor I have seen. In the past before there were answers for my pain, she has stood up to questions other doctors had about if there was a cause for the pain I was having - and she rejoiced with me with each clue we uncovered about what was going on in my body. She never gave up thinking that there was something causing all these conditions that were attacking my body. She has walked with me through pain control and teaching me so much about how to deal with it on a daily basis. Yesterday she was looking over my latest test results which shed more light on everything when suddenly she turned to me and said: "I have learned so much through your situation and watching you go through everything you have endured over the years." She went on to say how my case has helped her grow as a doctor. Wow. I've always known that God could use my health to challenge people to turn to God, or encourage others who were "sick" - but I didn't really think much about how it could inspire my doctors and influence the direction they go in their practice. If my long health struggle could help even this one doctor to treat patients differently and to look deeper for the cause behind pain etc. it would be worth it. I am so thankful to have a doctor like her, and thankful that we have learned together over the years and I am sure we will continue learning and growing as we seek treatment options and see what the next chapter brings.

There is always something good that God can bring about from something bad. I do feel bad today, but I know God is using this in ways I don't even see for good.

Guilty Doughnuts

2011-10-20T00:57:00.000-07:00

Doughnuts make everything better right? I mean, who can resist a big golden doughnut with crispy sugary outside and warm fluffy inside? One time, before we were married, my Farmer Boy and I took a whole package of muffin dough, made the muffins into doughnuts and ate the ENTIRE package (which was like 6-8 doughnuts) in one sitting. What makes this story worse is that we were watching: "The Biggest Looser" at the same time. No joke. Why am I talking about doughnuts? You'll see.

Physical pain or illness can shorten your fuse. I'm NOT saying this as an excuse, but just something those of us with chronic pain or illness need to be aware of. Example: Today, I went with my husband to the thrift store to drop off some stuff. For some reason I got suuupper car sick and was miserable all the way home. Because I was mad that I felt so yucky, my attitude was snarky to my Husband (who hadn't done anything wrong at all). Of course, it had been an extra long day of taking care of chores for me, and I still had a lot on my list to get done before going to sleep - so I felt even more overwhelmed, and mad that I felt crummy but couldn't just rest. When we got back from the thrift store I realized (much to my dismay) I needed to run to the grocery store - so I left and of course felt guilty all the way to the store, while I was shopping, standing in the check out line (where I bought the discounted doughnuts as a peace offering) and all the way home. Of course my sweet Husband was loving and forgiving (especially when he saw the doughnuts! - see I knew they would help the situation!) and I didn't even have to tell him why I was so frustrated - in fact he apologized that his driving made me car sick (which it wasn't his driving - just my silly body). It all ended well.

So, a word to the wise: KNOW that you might be more prone to snarky behavior when you are feeling crummy and work on keeping your mouth shut if at all possible. Or simply explain to whoever you are with that you aren't feeling good, and that it isn't a good time to have deep conversations. We should never allow our pain to be a catalyst to our hurting the people we love - they get hurt enough just because we are in pain. Sometimes, it is best to just be alone if our attitude needs help. I know that's not always possible, but sometimes it really is best. Just take a quick breather and a quick prayer that you won't take your frustration about how you feel out on someone around you. It makes life much easier.

Oh, and it also saves money on remorseful doughnut purchases.

Accept it

2011-10-18T02:28:00.000-07:00

There is an important distinction between acceptance and giving up. I've come close to giving up on my battle with my silly body in the past - but acceptance is something I am always in the process of learning. Tonight, for example, (or rather this morning as it is 2:13 am) I am realizing that no matter how much I hate it, my illness is going to ruin my plans for tomorrow. This might not seem like a big deal - since my plans are "just" to go to a ladies Bible study at our church. But, Tuesday morning Bible study is my one (literally) regular social thing that is just for me. (I know - pretty hoppin' social life right?!) I enjoy just getting in the car and driving somewhere totally alone, and hanging out with ladies and singing together and learning cool stuff - and just being free from housework and my home business (even though I LOVE both having a home and husband to keep home for - AND my home business ... www.wildrosefloralcreations.com ) and everything. So, tonight I am up and not sleeping because I feel yucky and nauseated for whatever reason: medications, pain - whatever .. I really have no clue. Not a rare feeling for me at all - but never a fun feeling for sure. So, I have a feeling there will be no Bible study for me in the morning.

I started to feel all upset about this, but then I realized that it wouldn't do any good. In fact it would probably just make me feel worse. Accepting means that I can relax and know that even though I may be disappointed that God is still good. Accepting means that I can just chill out and not stress it. There is an old saying: "In acceptance lieth peace." It's really true. I can just rest in the peace that God knows what is going on in my body, and He knows that I am hurting and disappointed and frustrated with my health - and He is still God and He is right here with me no matter what. Even though I'm all alone in the middle of the night, He is with me - and He loves me. That gives me peace. And oddly enough, that gives me joy even right here in this nauseous moment.

It's totally different than giving up. I believe wholly in fighting hard for our health. I am all for proving doctors and statistics wrong, I'm totally not for laying down and being a wimp and giving up.

But I'm also totally for embracing the peace that comes with acceptance.

specifics about my health? ASK ME!

2011-10-15T01:08:00.000-07:00

Sometimes I wonder why I bother blogging. I am always aware of how easily this blog could turn into something I dread: a self-centered soapbox focused on whining and gaining pity - rather than a God-centered opportunity to show His strength in my weakness. I set out to daily practice choosing joy in the midst of pain, and to encourage others to do the same ... and when I keep that focus and look at the positive comments about how this blog encourages other facing any kind of challenge in life - it keeps me going.

But, I do sometimes get less than encouraging comments. In those times I find myself wondering if they are right and blogging about a topic like this is too dangerous. I know people will judge - I have lived with that every day since I first became sick ("maybe you don't have enough faith to be healed", "maybe it's because of some sin in your life", "you just don't eat healthy enough," ... "if you try this doctor or diet or . whatever you would be well by now" ...). Because of that and because I never wanted this blog to be so much about my own health as I wanted it to be about God's strength displayed though the joy He gives to all of us in our varied circumstances, I have tried to stay away from sharing very much about my day to day specific health challenges (plus who really wants to hear everything about an illness that goes on for so long!? - I certainly don't). Recently, I felt I needed to share some good news I got from my doctor (I wanted to share this because it sometimes feels like so many people are praying for me and I honestly feel indebted to all of those prayers) - but then after some comments I went back and deleted that post. Maybe it was a chicken thing to do. I have struggled with the idea that I "owe" an explanation or updates about my specific health ever since my home church began praying for me when I first got sick. It always felt like I was obligated to let everyone know how I was doing .. but at the same time I wondered if people really needed to know. I am struggling with that again with this blog. I never meant it to be about updates about my health. Since my struggle has been so long, and it's not clear cut, or possibly ever going to be totally over - it becomes exhausting to update everyone (and I am getting the idea that it's exhausting to keep up with for some people as well - which I totally get). And then I had an "AH HA" moment. I should just let people who really want to know details ASK ME! This way I don't burden those who don't need or want to know - and I can let those who do know when they want to know! (I know it's not rocket science! but maybe I'm dense) This journey is so real and so involved for me and my sweet Farmer Boy, but I realized that this is a journey that is personal and possibly a burden to others. I'll keep writing on the topic of living well in painful circumstances because of our Great God - but for now the specifics of my circumstances are not important to my writing. If anyone wants to know more you can always email me privately at differentkindofhappy@gmail.com

What IS important is that the focus always be on God, and the fact that even though my body is hurting tonight - my soul is at peace and full of joy because HE LIVES.

Prepare my Heart

2011-10-10T16:55:00.000-07:00

I've fallen in love with a baby that I've never met. Ok - it may be the easiest thing in the world for me to fall in love with any baby - I am a baby fanatic. At family gathering I go to great measures to make sure I get to hold any baby that happens to be there (and when you have 4 siblings married with children there are always babies around) - and I even take it a step further and try to make that baby fall to sleep so that no one can take them away from me (I mean you can't disturb a sleeping baby!!!). I drool over the pictures of my friend's babies on facebook. When I am shopping I somehow always find myself standing in the baby section looking at tiny onesies, adorable baby booties, soft receiving blankets. Yep, I've got it bad. It's been this way my whole life - but probably growing in intensity over the years. I remember as kids my big sis and I sitting on an old railroad tie that was used as a garden border at my Grandma's house - we had our baby dolls in our laps with our shirts pulled up "nursing" our babies. :) Like I said; I LOVE babies!

(my nephew Caleb who loved to squish his head against my arm when he slept)

But this time it's a feeling that is a little different. This little baby has touched my heart deeply. I have felt this feeling before. When I was in Africa visiting an orphanage a little baby walked up to me (I thought she was about 1 but we found out she was at least 2 years old). She kind of slumped against my leg and I picked her up. Immediately I knew something was horribly wrong. She was feverish and very lethargic. She laid her little black head against my chest and her breathing was shallow and pained. Her skin was covered in little sores. I honestly thought she might die in my arms she was so ill. I found out later that she had been found 2 days before in an abandoned house eating dirt. A lump forms in my throat as I remember the horror I felt when I knew what this baby had been though. Thank the Lord we were able to go back 2 weeks later and baby Brenda was sitting at a table eating! Her skin was shinny and healthy looking and she was alert. My time in Africa ended but the memory of baby Brenda will never end. I can never forget her eyes - they almost haunt me.

This little baby who has touched my heart is also hurting and even though I have never held this baby, my love is real. This situation has reminded me that there are so many children who are needing something: a home, medical care, and love. My heart longs so deeply to be in the place where we could help. I long to give a home to children who need it. Of course I desire a child because I love babies and children so deeply - but my heart just aches for those who are in pain or in need. I don't just want any child. I want a child who really needs us. This is the reason we have chosen not to use a surrogate when we are ready to start our family. (and this is a very personal conviction - every situation and family is different and I am not saying that surrogacy is wrong by any means, just that for us that is not an option) We could do that and there have been a couple times when the desire to have a baby that looks like my husband has been strong, and I have briefly considered surrogacy. I'll probably always miss being able to give birth to a child, or have a child that looks like my sweet Farmer Boy (I mean that would be a beautiful baby!). But to be honest those desires are nothing when I think of babies that I know need good homes.

I have been feeling impatient with the place we are in right now - being in school and not having a home of our own or a real job makes it impossible to adopt right now. I have found myself just longing so deeply to be ready for that day when we will be done with this part of our lives. But last night I realized that God knows our desires and He knows what the next couple of years will hold, and He already knows the children that have maybe not been born yet that He will put into our home one day. He is using the situations
where I fall helplessly in love with babies who are in need to prepare me for the baby(s) He will give me one day.

So today I'm packing up some baby clothes and blankets for this baby that I am praying so hard for - and until the day God brings our babies to us I'll keep trusting and learning to love.

Flexibility

2011-10-06T23:28:00.000-07:00

There are quite a few sayings about flexibility and endurance that I have heard over the years. Here are some of my favorites:

"Roll with the punches." -?
"Be like a duck and let the bad stuff roll off your back." - Paraphrase by My Farmer Boy
"Buck up babe." - another from my Farmer Boy

Life on this earth will always carry things that are not particularly fun. It's essential for growth. When a caterpillar becomes a butterfly it involves a lot of hard work, when a baby chick hatches it's difficult and not easy, when a human baby is born it's poor head gets all squished and it's exhausting for the baby (not to mention the mama!) ... Life involves these times of trying and stretching and yes even hurting for growth.

I am the kind of person who likes to be organized, on time, clean (well unless I'm working in the yard), and scheduled. Not that I don't love a nice spontaneous date or other fun surprises - but in general I like to know what's going on and be prepared. This evening I was again reminded that I am not in control. Everything I was looking forward to for the evening and the weekend changed and I had/have the choice to learn from this and let it be what it is - or fight it and be miserable. After all, I'm not in control, and the more I see that and turn to God when things start spinning (rather than try harder to control the situation) the deeper my relationship with Him will be.

And in the end that is what matters most to me.

Gungor - Beautiful Things

2011-10-04T17:25:00.000-07:00

We sang this song in church on Sunday night and I fell in love with it. Beautiful song, true words for so many situations in life .. listen to it and then allow God to make beautiful things out of whatever you are facing today.

One of My Favorite Snacks

2011-10-01T12:02:00.000-07:00

Yum. Last night being Friday night I wanted something weekend-ish to nibble on as my sweet Husband and I watched a movie (which actually was a DVD for one of his college classes - but I'll take what I can get as far as quality time with my very busy Student!). What I love about this snack is that unlike most caramel corn recipies this doesn't use any refined sugar or corn syrup. I also love how easy and quick it is! Here is my recipe:

Honey Caramel Corn
About 6-8 cups popped corn (more for less fat version)
4-5 cups rice chex (gluten free!)
put the corn and cereal in a large cake pan.
Preheat oven to 250 degrees (you can bake at higher temp if you are in a hurry but you'll have to check on it a lot to be sure it doesn't burn)
in a saucepan melt together:
1 cube butter
1 cup honey
heat honey mixture until it bubbles together
then pour over corn mixture and toss so that it coats well
bake until lightly browned about 30 minutes

(variation: add flax seeds or any nuts of seeds for some healthy protein!)

store in an airtight container (if you have any left!)

Hope you enjoy!!

A little basil trick

2011-09-29T17:31:00.000-07:00

Hi everyone! Well, this is gonna be a short post. I'm especially tired today. But our sweet neighbor called and told me to come get some things from her garden before she turned it over for the fall. So I walked up to her house and came home with a huge bag of basil and beats and chard. I LOVE basil! We used to grow 100 foot rows of it at the farm and I would pick it and feel like I was in aromatherapy heaven! Well, the thing I don't love about fresh basil is that is doesn't grow here in the winter, AND it also doesn't last long after it's been picked. You can make pesto (which i love so much) but today I don't have the ingredients for pesto, so here is an easy way to save the basil year-round!

Take the clean leaves of basil and toss them into a food processor. Grind them up. At the end toss in some olive oil. This should be the consistency of a nice paste. Take the mixture and put it in ice cube trays. Freeze til hard then transfer to freezer bags. When you want some fresh basil taste in January take a cube or two, dethaw and toss it over your pasta or veggies or whatever you want! I love how easy this is! It's a great way to have yummy herbs (you can do it with any fresh herb) at your fingertip year round. It's also not soo difficult to do that I won't do it because of my fading energy levels. I know a lot of you have issues with energy which I think go hand in hand with chronic pain (or for you busy mama's out there too!), so I figured it might be a good tip to share!

Worship

2011-09-26T01:27:00.000-07:00

I can still feel the hard wood pews, the cold floor, hear the sound of violin, cello and guitar, see my sweet friends around me. Monday Night Worship was awesome. A group of young musicians playing and leading the rest of us in songs of praise to God, it still is one of my favorite memories from my years at Bible college.  This night, though, stands out among the rest. Chronic pain was relatively new for me, and as we sang I was enduring some pretty significant pain. I remember trying so hard to ignore it. I felt so guilty that I couldn't concentrate on God alone without my mind being conscious of the pain my body was feeling. I am so mad at myself: why couldn't I be holier, why was my mind unable to block out the pain, God deserved to be my entire focus.

This is a picture that has replayed over the years through many church services, chapel services, even years of leading worship myself with youth ministry and on our home worship team, as well as times alone with God. I remember being so embarrassed when our worship leader would bring out a tall stool so that I could sit on it while we practiced singing because I couldn't stand up to sing. Gradually, I learned that it wasn't bad to have health issues - that it wasn't bad to be seen as real even if that meant that I sometimes had to sit on a stool to sing. I was forced to be humble (is that even possible?) enough to admit that I couldn't stand to sing. But somewhere inside I felt guilty for not being able to be free from my physical pain to worship* God unhindered, and unconscious of anything other than HIM.

Tonight I was at church and I realized something. If God has allowed me to have physical pain, than He must be able to be worshipped through the pain. I know I have said that God can be worshipped through anything even by someone lying in a hospital bed unable to speak or think clearly. But tonight I really grasped the fact that even though my pain might be inescapable - I am unable to will my mind to NOT notice my physical state, God can be worshipped even because of the pain I am having. I always thought that to really worship I have to be in a kind of daze where the only thing I am conscious of is God alone. I have had times where that was true - but they are rare for me. Maybe in choosing to worship and sing words that are true of God even when pain is inescapable - maybe - no definitely God is worshipped no less than the times when all my mind feels is God alone.

It's kind of like another thing I used to think about worship. I used to think that if my mind knew that anyone else was around me that I wasn't really worshipping God. Now, I totally agree that we shouldn't be distracted by the people around us, when we are in a corporate worship setting sometimes the people around us are part of our worship! When I first began leading by singing on the worship team I remember thinking that I couldn't possibly worship with my eyes open because if I noticed that there were people facing me I couldn't possible be worshipping God. Through the years I began to be drawn even more to the throne of God in praise when I did open my eyes because I felt the true worship of people I loved and seeing a crowd of people focused on singing the truths of who God is, and giving themselves fully to Him brought my heart to a beautiful place of worship. I still love to close my eyes and focus on God alone - but that is not the only way I worship during a church service. When God brought my sweet Husband to me another layer of worship emerged. Sometimes during worship he or I will reach our hand out to hold the other's hand and in that moment it brings my heart to an amazing place where my Husband and I are one worshipping God together while conscious of each other and our shared trust and love of God.

I don't want to limit the big God I adore.   He can use things we think are useless or a distraction to even deepen our love and our worship of Him.

*my use of the word worship in this post is referring to corporate times of singing etc. - worship is so much more than only those times!

Sleep???

2011-09-22T02:07:00.000-07:00

Well, it's 1:32 am and here I sit unable again to sleep. Lately it's been 2 or 3 before I can finally fall to sleep no matter how much I do during the day or if I take a nap or how early or late I sleep in. Sleep is a problem for a lot of us with any type of chronic pain. I think somehow at night when I don't have the distractions of daytime and everything is quiet that pain thinks (in a mean sinister voice): "ahhh HA now she'll finally pay attention to ME -MWAAHHAHA". Or sometimes the way we sleep can cause pain to be worse - you should see how many pillows I use to prop my silly body just right so that I feel less pain! My sweet Farmer Boy laughs at how precise I am with placing my pillows, teddy bear (yes I do sleep with a silly old bear because he is much firmer than a pillow and gives me pressure on my ribcage just where I need it ), and blanket just perfect so that I can get the best least pain night possible. But obviously it doesn't always work.

Now, before you all send me messages about how to get better sleep, I DO get pretty decent sleep most of the time. But, I don't like the times when I go through that I can't sleep, and especially dealing with pain it would be best for me to sleep good every night. BUT, for tonight (and other sleepless nights) and for those of you who are in the same boat, it is important for us to find peace even in something as annoying as not being able to sleep (from pain, or too busy a mind, or whatever reasons).

One of the things that has saved a lot of my sanity (no wise cracks people), is simply to get up. I can usually tell within a half hour to an hour of getting in bed if I will be able to fall to sleep or not. If I lay there I go crazy (and wake up the sweetest man on earth with my tossing and turning) - so getting up is the best bet for me. And then I try and do something useful (like BLOG haha), or read the Bible, or pray, or I try doing something relaxing like rub my feet with lotion, watch TV, talk to any other late night people on facebook, read ... It REALLY helps. If I am not gonna sleep anyway at least I am DOING something rather than seething with anger at not being able to sleep! I try to ask God to give me peace and realize that I'll get through this night and He will be with me no matter what. I'm not in crazy pain tonight - but I have had times when the pain was so bad and I was up alone just breathing through it. It felt so scary to be alone in that kind of pain - but turning to God in those moments is the ONLY thing that got me through. I also have found that sometimes the very best times I have with God are in the silent night when it seems I am awake for no reason other than to be alone with Him. I feel like He has kept me awake to romance me, and I treasure those times - writing, meditation on Bible verses, and just rejoicing in a God who never sleeps! Why become a victim to sleepless nights - why not allow God to use even such an annoying thing to shape me to be more like Him?

Now, I'm not saying that I am gonna seek out being sleepless, or that I am not going to try to find ways to get more healthy sleep (God created it for our bodies and we need it to deal with pain and to be healthy!) What I am saying is that in the meanwhile and in THIS moment of sleeplessness I'm gonna rejoice that I'm not alone in the dark, and that God can use even this. How I love Him for being awake with me and never leaving me alone.

It's now 2:06 am - and I'm getting sleepy. :)

Ronnie Freeman - Satisfied

2011-09-20T18:53:00.000-07:00

About 7-8 years ago this song came into my life at a time when I was really beginning to realize that my health issues would affect everything I had pictured about what my life would be. I needed to be told to be satisfied with God alone. It was a time that tested my faith in ways surprizing and painful as friendships ended, opportunities to travel were taken away, and even ministry that I felt called to ended. It was a time that led to a lot of loss in my life. It's been a chapter than has been repeated with different tones througout my life - my Daddy would call it the "death of a vision". When people I depended on left my life as quickly as they entered, when missions and ministry I took pride in being part of was taken - the vision I thought that God had given me was suddenly dark. In looking back, God DID give me that vision because if I hadn't been brought to that place of loss I would have missed out on so many of the gains God has given me! The knowledge of how to deal with pain (which I definately didn't have at that point which probably was the reason I lost so much and was misunderstood and judged), a deeper relationship with my precious Mama, closer friendship with my siblings, ministry at my home church (which would have ended if I had my way in becoming more involved in other ministry), time to focus on learning piano and writing my own songs (something that could only come out of solitude for my writing style), a zeal for helping others in chronic pain live WELL - as well as helping those without pain understand and treat people with illnesses more like they would want to be treated, my sweet HUSBAND! (in my vision I would have lived far away from that family farm where we fell in love and were married - oh I thank God all the time that THIS is the man who picked me as his wife!), and most importantly a deeper walk with my Lord Jesus Christ who IS the one who satisfies my soul, and also teaches me to long for more satisfaction in Him alone. I couldn't see at the time how all the loss in my life would become some of the biggest blessings and lessons of my life. Do I still sometimes miss what my life could have been? Yes. I would be lying to say that I don't occasionally imagine that life I dreamed of and wonder what a me without pain, traveling and teaching all over the world would look like (and I do dream of doing some of those things with my Husband someday). But it certainly doesn't consume me on any level - and I am very at peace with where God has me now - even though it is different from what I imagined. I need to remember this lesson, as I know loss is part of life and God desires to bring new things out of those that are lost. I already can see that my deepest loss: my ability to have children will be redeemed someday through the children God will put in our life through adoption or other means. The loss is still painful, but God creates sweetness through the pain. Being satisfied is something that only comes from God - but as imperfect humans we struggle with sin and selfishness to be truely satisfied even in the One who alone can satisfy us. This song was given to me again today, and I needed to be reminded of it again, and it won't be the last time.

I love how God as the Redeemer took things that did break my heart - to MAKE my heart what He wanted it to be (and this will continue)! I love how He uses things we feel are useless. I love how God is using me even though people may have thought God can't use a country girl without a college degree, without a special occupation, with pain every day of her life to bring glory to His beautiful name! I love the name Redeemer for my Jesus, because He has redeemed parts of my life that I thought had ruined my life. Is He satisfied with me? At first I thought this was theologically wrong because I am not perfect - but when I think of the blood of Jesus covering my sin - God sees me as IN CHRIST and my sin forgiven and He sees me white as snow. That's nothing I could do on my own. Do I desire to be pleasing to God every day of my life? Definately. We should never loose sight of the One we should be living for with every breath He puts in our lungs. May I live to be satisfying to my God so that on that day when I stand before His throne He will say: "Well Done."

And on that day when I see my Redeemer face to face, without the hindrances of sin and selfishness, without the distraction of physical pain - I will be totally and breath-takingly satisfied.

How to bless my husband today

2011-09-19T16:45:00.000-07:00

My sweet Farmer Boy has/had a very busy day today - since he is going to school to be a teacher he starts the day off leaving at 7 to get to the high school where he mentors as part of his education requirements - then he has classes back to back all the way til 5:30 when he finally gets to come home. Now, regardless of any grand illusions I might have of being a beautiful 1950s housewife wearing a cute little dress and greeting my husband at the door in a cutesy apron (although I do have 2 cutesy aprons which I wear for fun from time to time) - I usually greet my husband from my afternoon/evening nap which generally starts around 4 and goes til I make myself get off the couch. I've noticed that my pain level is better when I get some afternoon rest, and the long evening is more doable when I am not totally worn out (we stay up til 11 or 1 in this house between the homework and other responsibilities). So, how do I bless my sweet husband after his hard and long day at school? Here are some of my tips - and I am just over 2 years into this marriage things so I am sure I have a lot to learn!

1. ALWAYS greet him with a smile. Nope. There are really no exceptions. Well, ok maybe a couple. But in general he is far too wonderful a man to be greeted with anything other than pure joy (which isn't hard when I see that beautiful face). (WARNING: I think it's selfishness but sometimes I feel this thing inside me wanting me to just DUMP on him when he walks in the door - if I've had a cruddy day or am upset about anything ... this is best done later!)

2. Ask him about his day and then ... LISTEN. I am sometimes (ok maybe a bit more than sometimes) impatient. I already know that he doesn't like a certain teacher, or that such and such a kid was a pain today. But he needs to tell me these things - if I don't let him then he will withdraw thinking that I don't care about his day.

3. Have food ready. The old saying: "the way to a man's heart is his stomach" is somehow true. My husband LOVES walking into the house smelling like dinner. He gets excited about whatever I make (I am SO blessed to have a man who is not picky!). Sometimes (like today) I send him a text half way through his hard day telling him what's cooking for dinner - I think it helps him know that the day won't go on forever and after it's done he gets to sit down and enjoy yummy and healthy food made by the woman he loves. Now, you may wonder how I can have food ready when I am usually taking a nap? Well, it's called planning ahead. I've song the praises of crock pots and casseroles - but another of my secret weapons is the freezer. Today for example I pulled out a frozen meat loaf (which is his favorite) and will put it in the oven in about 10 minutes. By the time he gets home it will be smelling yummy for him.

4. Even if he's busy find time for romance. We're having to learn that there isn't always the time we wish we had for romantic stuff. We can't and don't go on many "dates" at this season in our lives. Money goes to paying tuition, and time is non-existent for my busy Student. So we're learning to take what we can get and make the most of it. Last week we took a 20 minute walk looking at the neighbor's gardens. Just walking hand in hand was wonderful. We sat in the hammock together. He read out loud one of his required reading books while I crocheted. We prayed together. He helped me make pizza on Friday night and we talked over cutting up kale and tomatoes and grating cheese. We send texts through the day. He calls me on his way home. Quality time has to be grabbed whenever you can grab it!

Do I wish that I was the perfect wife - always beautiful and energetic? Yes. But, learning to live with what you've been given means being grateful for what you have and living 100% for God's glory no matter what. Today that means being the best wife I can be - even though I might be wearing sweats.

Gratefulness list

2011-09-18T10:59:00.000-07:00

Gratitude is a practice that we can never have too much of in our lives. Today I am tired and my body is aching from the change in the weather (I know I sound like I'm 90 years old!). I don't feel like doing anything, and it probably won't be a super "productive" day (I'll do what I need to for the responsibilities I have but I doubt I'll get any extra projects done today). On days like this I think it is especially important to practice gratefulness. In choosing to be thankful to God my heart enters into worship and that is where I want my heart to be always.

Today's Thankfulness List:

I'm thankful for:

1. God - that He is always there and I can talk with Him about everything.
2. That My Husband finished an important exam on his journey to becoming a teacher yesterday.
3. For my sweet nieces and nephews - each of them makes me smile so much and I love them all.
4. For our living situation - such a blessing and a treasured time in our lives.
5. For peaches - YUM and strawberries!
6. That I get to can peach jam this week with my sis
7. For parents who love each other so well.
8. for the beautiful rain last night (our garden needed it!)
9. that we get to go to evening church tonight and learn more about prayer
10. for the sweet times I get to spend with my precious Grammie
11. for flowers :)
12. that all my siblings are living lives for Jesus
13. That the zucchini bread I made yesterday turned out!
14. for good friends
15. for the fun new hobby of crocheting!
16. for all the weddings I have been able to create floral arrangements for this summer.
17. for clean laundry!
18. for the love of an amazing man

What's on your list today?

For the Glory of God?

2011-09-12T11:12:00.000-07:00

This passage is one of the most encouraging for those of us dealing with medical issues ... God's vision is complete and He sees the whole picture even when we can't see past this moment and whatever pain we may be in today. You can go to this link and listen to this sermon - let me know what you think!

http://www.desiringgod.org/blog/posts/this-weeks-sermon-this-illness-is-for-the-glory-of-god

Marriage

2011-09-10T13:36:00.000-07:00

I have no idea what this nurse was thinking. Here I was spending time in the hospital, (this was about 5-6 years ago)sick as a dog and during "small talk" she tells me that it's probably best that I don't date anyone or get married since I am often in the hospital and sick. I lay there is total shock until my little sister walked into the room to visit me - I told her what the nurse said to me and I just lost it. I couldn't believe that someone would be so judgemental on my life - someone who didn't even know me! My sweet little sister marched out and demanded to talk to my doctor and reported the behavior of the nurse. I was so proud of her! Even in that horrible experience, I was so blessed to see someone I love very much stand up for me.

I sometimes think of that nurse and wish that I could find her now and she could see my life ... and my HUSBAND! I will admit that it takes a very special person to marry someone they know will likely have limited health her whole life. It takes a special man to give up having biological children to be with a women who is barren. It takes a miracle to make a marriage work when sickness is part of everyday life. But then again, I think it takes a miracle to make marriage work at all! Two people who are different coming together, having to learn to think of the other's needs above their own, living together and sharing every part of their lives. Yes, there have been struggles in our young marriage centered around my health - but some of the most bonding moments we have had have revolved around health. We treasure today because we know it's all we're guaranteed. We learn to go with the ups and downs of health and change our plans when we have to. I'm learning to serve my sweet Husband even when I don't feel good enough to do the things I want to - and He is learning to appreciate the things I do that are hard for me. We have grown, and with God's presence we will continue to grow more and more in love - true lasting unconditional love.

And, to that nosey nurse, I'd like to say: Look at me now! Marriage has probably been the best thing for me and my health. I think the reason for this is because I feel totally chosen and loved and accepted despite my health. Friends have come and gone - but my Husband has committed to me "in sickness and in health". The confidence that gives me brings relief from pain and energy to my tired body.

He loves me. The best medicine in the world!

Sharing some REALLY GOOD STUFF!

2011-09-07T10:43:00.000-07:00

I've shared in the past blogs or sermons from our church - and I wanted to share two sermons from the recent Proverbia series at our church. If you click on the following link it will take you to all of the sermons in this series.
Really Good Stuff!

The first one is WISDOM and WINE - I thought this was important especially for those of us with chronic pain because we need to be ever careful about using prescription (or non prescription) medications wisely. I know that pain medication can be used properly - but I also know that many people get addicted to pain medication. If your local hospital has a course on pain management take it - and always ONLY use pain medication for the designated time and purpose prescribed. I am very grateful for a wonderful PCP who monitors all my medications and has found ways to control the pain without the "high" feeling of so many pain medications. Be careful and take time to listen to this sermon.

The next sermon is Coveting and Contentment. This sermon brought tears to my eyes. Make sure you are living a life of contentment in Christ and not coveting others who may have perfect health.

We need to take time to stay on track and live lives that are pleasing to God - chronic pain or not!

A week of stress

2011-09-03T15:01:00.000-07:00

Any of you with chronic health issues know that sometimes the hastle of going to doctors and the many and varied "treatments" can be quite a pain in the behind. This week my doctor told me to try a Gluten free diet for 5 months. Gluten is hard to avoid, and even though I have tried wheat free on and off gluten is in a lot of things that you wouldn't expect like sauces even soy sauce! It just adds stress to my day to have to monitor everything I am eating and it takes a lot more energy to eat healthy than it does to eat something that is pre-prepared. (I do make most of our meals from scratch but I do enjoy having easy things in the freezer for when I can't cook). It's stressful to see people's reaction to any new diet that my doctor has me trying, or to just have to plan so far ahead for meals.

This week also, my sweet Farmer Boy started year 2 of the 3 years he had transferring into the teaching program. He has been gone 12 hours most days and when he gets home he has been up til 12 or 1 doing homework til he can't stay awake any longer. The impact on me of having a husband in school and working 2 sometimes 3 jobs is more stress (oh and a lot of being proud of such a hard working handsome Husband!). I really enjoy my life and the fact that much of it is so stress free and relaxing. I feel guilty when I am sleeping in and taking naps during the day, or when I get to just be at home for a lot of my time. I wish I could contribute more financially to help get him through school. While my odd jobs do help us out, I want to do more! I've been working all week on trying to figure out ways that I could get more brides and grooms to hire me for floral work for their weddings. I've been so frustrated because I want to do so much more. And with all this stress that I have been putting on myself I've been in more pain.

The stress of life is inevitable. No one rich or poor, healthy or not, young or old, is totally immune to stress. But what we can control is our reaction to it. Do you put it on ourselves or do we turn first to God and lay every stressful thing at His feet and TRUST HIM to take care of it? I'm trying to learn the balance between trusting God and being willing to take action in my life. I haven't figured it all out yet - but I do know that God gives me responsibility and that with that sometimes there is stress. It becomes sin when I let that stress take my focus off of God and onto myself and the situation. I need to allow Him to speak peace into the areas of stress in my life, while being willing to work hard when He tells me to. The lesson from this week is just to not let the stresses of life get me down but to keep going and most of all to lay those stresses at the foot of the Savior allowing Him to work through even the things I would love to not deal with in my life.

In my weakness

2011-09-01T10:54:00.000-07:00

I felt like my jaw was about to snap in half. In a split second I went from feeling very weird (my tongue was swelling, lips and jaw felt unsteady, and super bad blurry vision) to the worst pain of my life (and I have had pain likened to hard labor pains which went on for days on end). My jaw had locked to the side and cramped so severely that the only thing I could think was to yell to my sweet husband to push it back into place. He tried and that hurt incredibly so as he called for the nurses I thought "there's no way I can get through this pain". In those moments, I hate to admit, but I prayed that God would let me die and go to heaven. The nurse couldn't figure out what was going on, and while my husband held hot compresses on both sides of my jaw, with tears pouring down my face I begged God to make it stop. Finally a doctor came in, took one look at me and pronounced that I was having a severe allergic reaction to the nausea medication (Compazine) they had given me that morning. She looked right in my eyes and said that it would go away when they gave me benedryl. Then she was gone. Relieved as I was - I was still in emence pain and getting the order for benadryl took another hour. Why am I telling this story? Well, because I think it is important in our discussion about pain for me to be honest and say that sometimes in the most extreme cases of pain it is all I can do to just get through it - and I think it is very normal to long deeply for heaven in those times. I wasn't sitting there softly singing and thinking of Jesus. I was writhing in agony, screaming for God to make it stop or to take me to heaven. Yes, I would have loved to be calm and to be saying profound truths about God in those moments - but that level of pain sometimes the only thing I can think about is just to call on God - I don't even know what to ask but just to call out of my agony to the One who is bigger. I would have loved to not be begging God to let me go to heaven, but the truth is: I was. In that moment, in my weakness, I couldn't see past the pain and my only hope was God and heaven.
And I'm so grateful that I have that hope!

Why am I sharing this now? Well, I've been thinking a lot lately about those who are in severe physical pain ... I know that in this blog I have talked about dealing with physical pain - while not sharing very specific examples from my own experience. While I deal with significant physical pain on a daily basis - severe pain isn't all the time. I just want any of you who are reading this to know that I'm very human and have weaknesses just like all of us - and that I'm very thankful for the hope I have - that in the very worst pain I can only think to call on the God I love.

I made it through. My jaw is still damaged 3 weeks later from the spasms (which I found out can actually dislocate or break the jaw), but I'm so much better. In the end I am just so happy that it's over - and so happy that through it at least my most natural instinct was to call on God. I'm happy that I made it through and sometimes that alone is a huge success.

A Guarantee!

2011-08-30T10:23:00.000-07:00

There is something I can guarantee: if you really take time to worship God your pain becomes more bearable. No, it doesn't mean that the pain is less (sometimes it is worse) but when you focus on the Creator of the Universe and our Savior Jesus Christ, the unbearable becomes bearable.

Worship can take place in many ways. Singing is probably the first thing that popped into your head when you read the word: Worship. the freedictionary.com gives this definition of worship:
"wor·ship (wûrshp)
n.
1.
a. The reverent love and devotion accorded a deity, an idol, or a sacred object.
b. The ceremonies, prayers, or other religious forms by which this love is expressed.
2. Ardent devotion; adoration.
3. often Worship Chiefly British Used as a form of address for magistrates, mayors, and certain other dignitaries: Your Worship.
v. wor·shiped or wor·shipped, wor·ship·ing or wor·ship·ping, wor·ships
v.tr.
1. To honor and love as a deity.
2. To regard with ardent or adoring esteem or devotion. See Synonyms at revere1.
v.intr.
1. To participate in religious rites of worship.
2. To perform an act of worship."

Even being devoted to God is a form of worship - loving Him is worship - so ANYTHING we do to show that love and devotion to God becomes worship. The life I live becomes worship when I live in a way that pleases God. The choices I make becomes worship as I make choices that God approves of - for His approval the Word of God is FULL of things God loves: purity, honesty, obedience, respect to elders, generosity, thankfulness, serving others ...

And yes, worship does include going to church or singing songs of praise to our Great God.

On Sunday my sweet Husband made lunch for my Grammie and I - then he brought up his guitar and hymnals and we spent quite a while singing together from the old hymns. It was beautiful. Just the three of us lifting our voices to the God we love. Worship happened. We all came with things weighing on our hearts, pressures of the day, even pain - but we left feeling revived and full of joy.

How will you choose to worship today? I would love to hear your stories! Feel free to email me privately at aliwenz78@gmail.com

God bless you all today!

When are we done?

2011-08-28T20:57:00.000-07:00

Last night I was working alone on wedding flowers (which I LOVE doing). I had the Christian music station on the radio and a song came on that had a line in it about a baby having his daddy's eyes. Out of absolutely nowhere I felt a crushing pain in my soul - that longing, broken kind of pain that takes your breath away - and the tears filled my eyes. In the same moment I felt annoyed for feeling that pain over something that I have been dealing with for over 5 years. I wished for this pain - the pain of being unable to have a baby biologically - to be over, for it to be healed and gone. I've had physical pain a lot longer than the pain of loosing the ability to bring a child into the world, and the second pain is infinitely greater. I know without a shadow of doubt that God will and is redeeming this loss and that He is going to use this to bring something beautiful into our lives. I know that adoption is beautiful and that if God is willing we will have children someday. I KNOW all of these things, but the pain of not being able to carry a baby - to have a baby that has my sweet Farmer's eyes is real and very vivid. I want to be done with it.

I've had this same longing to be done when it comes to physical pain as well. Several weeks ago when the specialist brought up the very likely possibility that what is causing all these health issues is something more complicated and less curable than we were hoping, I just felt like "WHY can't we be done - we've been down this road too many times already!" I get the feeling sometimes that people are so sick of me being "sick" that I back off on friendships because I am tired of being unreliable and I'm so scarred that people will get so sick of me that they will leave. I sometimes push myself too hard because I despise what people must think of me. Yes, there are relationships that have stood the test of time and there are people who I know will stand by me through rain or shine. For those people I am so thankful. But I just find myself wanting to be done with all of this. Why can't suffering and trials just take a break?

Then I remember Jesus.

Even though He is God He came to earth and suffered. Yes He suffered the worst death I can imagine - but even before that He suffered living a life without the comforts we long for - he wasn't wealthy, He didn't even have a home of His own, all His life people questioned Him and even tried to kill Him many times before they finally did. He had to flee for His life, spent 40 days and nights fasting in the wilderness (that alone would be the death of me!), tempted by Satan - and in His dying moments He was taunted and spit upon - the very Son of God! ANY suffering that you or I endure on this earth pales in comparison. What got Him through? Love. He came to show God's love to a needy world, and in those moments of pain and suffering (mental, physical, and emotional) I am sure that love motivated Him to keep going. If Jesus is to be our example of how to live we need to find the motivation we need to keep going even when we long so deeply to be done with pain. When the pain of wanting children of our own is too much, I just picture the eyes of Baby Brenda - an orphan in Cameroon who I loved deeply. Her eyes will always haunt me and call me to a love that goes outside of myself. When I think my physical pain disqualifies me from LIVING my life I think of the sweetest Husband in the world and I suddenly have the strength to be all that I can be and to serve my Husband with love.

Love is a great motivator so embrace the example of Jesus today no matter what you are facing.

Unexpected

2011-08-26T16:28:00.000-07:00

Today I have wanted to get so much done with cleaning the house and stuff - but I woke up not feeling well. It was unexpected (I know you may be asking why feeling lousy would be unexpected - but I think I see myself as feeling better than I do a lot of the time so when it gets in the way it is unexpected) and I could have just given up on everything today. BUT, I have been learning that even when I feel cruddy I can get some things done if I just pace myself. Yes, there are days when I can't do much at all - but it is always exciting to me when despite pain or feeling yucky I am able to get something done. I had to take lots of breaks and I didn't get everything done that I wanted - BUT I did get a lot of cleaning done and even the laundry. I realize that the laundry won't get folded tonight - and I am ok with that. Even the best laid plans can be ruined by the unexpected.

Life (physical pain or not ) has a way of throwing unexpected things our way. Every moment we each have the choice to make to either allow the unexpected "bad" things destroy us - or to make the most of even the things we would never choose. And then of course there is the beauty of the unexpected as well. I did not expect to be married to my Farmer Boy - and what a joy he is to me! So pain or pleasure allow the unexpected to make you a better person today.

Blessing Others

2011-08-23T11:05:00.000-07:00

Thanks to all of you who took time to pray for me and my sweet Husband during my time sick in the hospital with pancreatitis. I've been home now for a week and am finally beginning to feel like my old self again. We won't know for awhile if the surgery fixed the bile duct problem, but at least it's over and I can go on with day to day life.

This past week we enjoyed wonderful fellowship with my family my six siblings and I all gathered at my parents and camped in the yard, spent hours around a camp fire, played with nieces and nephews and just enjoyed each other. One of the most memorable moments was when my sweet parents set up a beautiful table complete with lighted lanterns and twinkle lights, and cooked a gourmet dinner and then surprised all of us by serving us and allowing all of us siblings and our spouses take time to just be together (our youngest brother also served with them). All eight children were in the house and somehow during cooking and serving my parents managed to keep the kiddos happy and give all the parents a needed break. The hard work they put into planning this and then blessing us kids was amazing and beautiful. I want to be like my parents. I want to take time to bless others by serving them in practical and surprising ways.

Take some time to think of the people who are dear to you, and think of creative ways you can bless and encourage them today. I would love to hear your stories of times you were blessed or times when you were able to bless others.

Doing Something you Love

2011-08-05T11:09:00.000-07:00

I think one of the very best tools for helping manage pain is to find something you LOVE and are able to do and doing it! There is nothing quite as depressing as having no meaning in life - and I think that is one of the main reasons why people with chronic health issues often struggle with depression. Often jobs are lost, relationships fail and the person with health issues may feel like there is no purpose in life. I have often said how important it is to find something to do and to feel purpose - for some it may be in writing encouraging notes to others, for some it may be in writing a book, for some it may be holding premies at the local hospital, for some it may be in giving a call to others who are house-bound ... there are many ways to feel useful even without a traditional "job". Some of you might find great pleasure (as I do) in growing a little garden, or in taking gentle walks, or cooking dinner for your hard-working husband.

Some of you might not know that one of my favorite things to do is play with flowers. I have always loved flowers, and enjoyed making little bouquets as a child. When I met my handsome Farmer Boy I began to work at his parent's farm and that including helping his mom with wedding flowers. I loved learning from her how to make corsages and bridal bouquets. However, it was hard for me to keep up with the fast-paced life on the farm, and my health prevented me from continuing the year after we got married. I cried for hours over how much I missed working with wedding flowers. When we moved to Seattle area I felt like my passion for wedding flowers was really over. Then a friend and a cousin asked me to provide wedding flowers for them (I had done lots of weddings on my own over the years while working at the farm) and I agreed. Shortly after I completed these weddings my mother-in-law suggested that I begin my own floral business in my new location. 2011 began with me starting my official wedding flower business (which is really more of a hobby that I can do at my own pace taking as many or as few weddings a year as I want to). By the end of this month I will have completed 5 weddings in this spring and summer! I love working with wedding flowers and I love being my own boss because I can work at my own pace - do 90% of the work from home, and my sweet Husband helps me with delivery and anything else that I need. It feels so good to help provide some money to go toward our adoption fund, or to help my Husband through school. Just looking at flowers makes me happy and I am sure it lowers my pain level greatly! With all that said; I have a big wedding to get working on today! If you know anyone getting married in the Washington area let me know! Here are some pictures of my work as well as my website!
http://www.wildrosefloralcreations.com/

photo by Andrez Valenzuela

photo by Constance Starks

photo by Kaci Bisconer

photo by Patrick Wilson

photo by Kevin Wren

Of Crock Pots and Casseroles

2011-08-03T14:49:00.000-07:00

Oh how I am loving crock pots and casserole dishes! These two kitchen tools are a match made in heaven as you will soon see. Many of my readers will agree, when you have chronic health issues (not that this is at ALL isolated to those with health issues or chronic pain), you find that making meals for your family (or even just for yourself) can be a major challenge. I am definitely in that spot lately. Sometimes I just don't even feel like eating so making food for a Husband with a rambunctious appetite can be quite a chore (but I welcome it because I love Him more than life itself!)! Lately for whatever reason I have been almost totally unable to eat meat. But my sweet Husband loves meat - so I have to think outside of what I feel like eating and cook for him. It's an act of love, and if I allow myself to, I can find it like a puzzle or a contest. I feel like I succeed when he is happy and fed at the end of the day.

I also tend to have a major slump in energy right about 4 pm - exactly the hour that I should be thinking about starting dinner for my husband before he heads off to work (or rather in between 2 jobs - have I mentioned that he is a very hard worker?). So, I am realizing that to provide him something other than top ramen or frozen burritos I need to think ahead. And this brings us back to crock pots and casseroles. A couple of days ago I threw some frozen meat and some tomato sauce, Italian spices, onion, garlic and fresh kale into the crock pot. And without any work at all I had a yummy pasta sauce. The crock pot is amazing for making soups and stews - but I am trying to use it for things other than the obvious. Curry, taco meat, even a whole roast chicken! My one issue is that the crock pot has to be full to really heat (the heating element is at the top of the pot), so I almost always end up making too much for the two of us (or the one if it is something that only he will eat). Well, this is where the joyful marriage of crock pot and casserole comes in! Today I took the pasta sauce (which my husband was kinda tired of eating) and I made it into a lasagna casserole (with baby lasagna noodles so cute!). He will love it, and I have saved a pot of sauce from going bad! Basically any crock pot meal can be turned into a casserole. Now, thankfully my husband actually LOVES casseroles - but some tips for keeping it yummy and not just a mushy mess is to make sure you add fresh things (like for me I added fresh noodles, cheese and cream layered with the sauce), don't overcook the new casserole, and end with some fresh greens on top (basil or arugula spinach etc). Just think of the possibilities!

I hope this helps those of you who are in a dinner-time slump! And for those of us with health issues that cause cooking to sometimes be an extra challenge: these dishes require less time on our feet and often provide meals for a couple of nights! We CAN provide lovely yummy dinners for those we love!

Moments of Joy

2011-08-02T11:27:00.000-07:00

My sweet Husband and I have been made very aware over the past month that no situation in life is certain. Jobs, finances, where we live, starting a family, health situations ... all of these things can change in the blink of an eye. We don't have control over most things in life and that can leave us feeling afraid and alone, wondering what tomorrow will bring.  During times when life feels turned upside down, how can we get through? How can we live this MOMENT when we have no certainty of the next one. Here are some of the ways I have gotten through the uncertain days we have had lately:

* Watering the garden - last night I felt just too tired to do anything, emotionally spent and physically exhausted. But I knew the hydrangea in the front yard had been wilting during the heat of the day - so I forced myself to get up and go water the yard. The smell of rain filled my senses as I saturated the dry ground with water. The sound of water hitting the leaves, the sight of glistening water droplets in the evening sun, the feeling of the cool mist from the hose ... it was a beautiful moment full of joy.

* Baking - yesterday my Husband and I picked wild huckleberries from the forest in our back yard - then I made huckleberry muffins (well ok I took a boxed blueberry muffin mix and switched the blueberries for the fresh huckleberries - this is a good way to bake if you don't really have the motivation to do the whole process!). Both my Husband and my sweetest Grammie LOVED them, and it always brings me so much joy to bake something yummy for the people that I love so much.

* Music - going to the early morning church service (even though we were dragging our feet because we were so tired) was a huge blessing this week.  The discipline of joining with others to sing praises to our Great God EVEN when we feel sad or alone is always a blessing if we let it be. The songs stirred something inside my soul and reminded me that God is bigger than anything.

* Focus on others. I was blessed to be asked to be a bridesmaid in the wedding of a dear friend. The wedding took place last Saturday. I was also honored to be asked to provide the bridal bouquet and flowers for the wedding party and family. Going to be part of this great occasion was a time that reminded me that in focusing on others - watching the beautiful bride and handsome groom interact, seeing two families joined together for life ... it was such a joy to witness! Even though I was still grieving over things that have been going on in our life, I was so filled with joy to be able to leave all that behind and focus on the bride and groom.   Self-centeredness is poison, so looking outside ourselves and focusing on others can bring great healing and joy to a weary soul.

* Enjoying "little" things: watching Jeopardy with Grammie, a midnight grilled cheese with my sweet husband (gourmet grilled cheese I might add!), joking around with my youngest brother, shopping at Costco with two of my sisters, playing "P l aaaa..no" with my nephew, a sweet nap on our cozy couch. There are so many opportunities to find joy every day NO MATTER WHAT if we just take the time to open our eyes.

Remember ..

2011-07-29T14:27:00.000-07:00

Today my heart is heavy for people I love who are suffering in many different ways: depression that feels hopeless, illness that is frightening, relationship problems, marriage issues ... sometimes the burdens of life feel like more than anyone can bear - but then I remember that GOD is bigger. Here are some verses of encouragement today for all of you who are going through a valley of any kind. Take heart and turn your eyes to the One Who knows exactly what you are going through and is strong enough to hold you when you don't have the strength to stand.

Psalm 27:1-5
1 The LORD is my light and my salvation-- whom shall I fear? The LORD is the stronghold of my life-- of whom shall I be afraid? 2 When evil men advance against me to devour my flesh, when my enemies and my foes attack me, they will stumble and fall. 3 Though an army besiege me, my heart will not fear; though war break out against me, even then will I be confident. 4 One thing I ask of the LORD, this is what I seek: that I may dwell in the house of the LORD all the days of my life, to gaze upon the beauty of the LORD and to seek him in his temple. 5 For in the day of trouble he will keep me safe in his dwelling; he will hide me in the shelter of his tabernacle and set me high upon a rock.

Philippians 4:6-8
6 Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. 7 And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.
8 Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things.

Psalm 27:13-14
I am still confident of this: I will see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living. Wait for the Lord; be strong and take heart and wait for the Lord.

May each of you my dear friends, be filled with the peace of the Lord even while you walk through the valley. There is hope and joy because of Jesus Christ.

I Come to the Garden

2011-07-28T19:02:00.000-07:00

This past month has been full of things I never want to experience again. I'm sorry that I really haven't blogged much at all, and to say that life have been crazy would be an understatement. There has been a lot of grief in our lives and decisions that we have had to make that have been very hard. The last 3 days I have hardly felt like I was alive - just waking up and doing what needed to be done, trying to get through another day with as few tears as possible. Thank God that my husband has been with me every step of the way and we have had each other to hold onto when so much that we love has been threatened. Today I noticed that the garden was dry so out I headed to water. As the refreshing water fell on the glossy leaves of roses, and sunshiney faces of snap dragons, and the lady-like petals of geraniums, this simple melody popped into my head followed by beautiful words and before I knew it I was singing in the quiet of the garden. The joy that burst from my very tired heart in that moment was incredible. Even in the very dark times of our lives, dealing with pain physical or emotional, God is there wanting to spend a moment with us to sooth our troubled brow and give us peace and joy in HIM no matter the circumstances. I rejoice in His beauty and goodness - and I choose to rest in His peace tonight.

Take a moment to listen to this hymn - I found this U-tube video and the voice this girl has is perfect for the simple truth in these words.

Hope Deferred

2011-07-20T12:23:00.000-07:00

Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but a longing fulfilled is a tree of life. Proverbs 13:12

This verse has been on my mind over the past couple of days. We went to a the doctor on Monday, thinking that we might begin treatment for a curable disease .. and left with more questions and the possibility (based on blood test results) that this is still something I will have to live with for my life on this earth. What does this mean? More testing which feels like the story of my life - I'm amazed I have any blood left! While I have come to a place of being able to live well and function well even though I am not in the body I would have chosen, it would be so wonderful to be free from pain and illness. I sometimes go back and forth about what to share on this blog and if any of you have questions regarding specifics please do email me at aliwenz78@gmail.com.

Anyway: back to hope deferred. I've had many times in my life where we thought we found the answer - the cure, to take away all the pain I live with day to day. I've become very acquainted with hope deferred over the years. I could allow hope deferred (or as my Daddy calls it: death of a vision) to make me a victim and steal my joy. BUT, that's not the kind of life I want to live today. I want to live with joy no matter what dream may have just been shattered in my life. No, not happy happy jumping up and down joy - but quiet peaceful joy that believes that even in disappointment God is holding my hand. Hope beyond hope that there WILL be a day with no more pain - on this earth or in heaven. A dream beyond a dream that God will redeem even my disappointment for His glory and that He will use me even in this broken place that I so often find myself.

Because of the GOD I have hope in, I have every reason to smile and have true joy in my life.

Books I Am Enjoying

2011-07-07T11:59:00.000-07:00

I thought I'd take a moment and let you all know some books that I highly recommend for your summer reading!

1. The Supremacy of Christ in a Postmodern World.
I got this book because I generally love the writings of John Piper (he is one of the main editors) and have been very interested in what respected writers are saying about the current postmodern mentality sweeping the world. A favorite quote so far:

"Biblical truth contradicts this cultural spirituality, (self-centered and focused on MY path to God rather than on God's reaching down to a fallen creation with salvation to all who will believe) and that contradiction is hard to bear. Biblical truth displaces it, refuses to allow its operating assumptions, declairs to it its bankruptcy. Is the evangelical church faithful enough to explode the worldview of this new spiritual search? Is it brave enough to contradict what has wide cultural approval? the final verdict may not be in, but it seems quite apparent that while the culture is burning, the evangelical church is fiddling precisely because it has decided it must be so like the culture to be successful." (pg. 38)

http://www.crossway.org/books/the-supremacy-of-christ-in-a-postmodern-world-tpb/

2. For Women Only

I stumbled upon this book while staying at my brother and sis in law's house the last week. Since I have had a lot of extra time on my hands, and since it is a very easy read (unlike John Piper which may take me a few months!) I finished it yesterday. A lot of the points I have heard before but being reminded of what my husband needs from me as his wife was very good for me at this 2 year point in our marriage! A great gift for newlyweds or those who have been married a long time but need a little push in the right direction to get their relationship back on track.

http://www.shaunti.com/BooksStudies/ForWomenOnly/AbouttheBook/tabid/168/Default.aspx

3. Hinds Feet on High Places

I have mentioned this book before when we got home from our camping trip. It's a book I read as a teen and I am greatly enjoying reading it out loud with my sweet Husband now. It's in the allegorical style like Pilgrim's Progress and brings out some very good spiritual truths as it follows little Miss Much Afraid on her journey to the High Places. I greatly appreciate this individual writing of Hannah Hurrard, but as a caution she left her Biblical beliefs later in life buying into universalism and New Age thought. However, in Hinds Feet on High Places I don't see this shift and still believe it is a valuable book. (in all my reading I try to accept what is good and BIBLICAL, while throwing out things that are said that may be unbiblical - as Christians we need to always be on our guard for untruth that can come from any direction.)

http://www.prayerfoundation.org/books/book_review_hinds_feet_on_high_places.htm

Happy Summer Reading! I would love to hear about what you are reading and what you are learning this summer!

Get on with it!

2011-07-06T11:56:00.000-07:00

The feeling of being in limbo is no fun - and is a very common feeling for most people, and definitely very common with those of us with constant health issues. Never quite knowing what is around the next bend and being very familiar with sudden upheavals has a way of paralyzing me. Or, I guess I should say that it has a way of tempting to paralyze me. I also think that this stage of life my husband and I are in (being still newly married and in school) creates a lot of that limbo feeling - a waiting for things we are working toward and wanting to be done so badly! Being on the older side of this phase in life (in our early late 20s early 30s) gives more of a feeling of limbo - everywhere we look our (even younger!) friends are having babies (some of their 3rd already!), buying homes ... and we are just trying to get through each semester without debt! Having chronic health issues seems to put us in limbo too - never sure what next week or even tomorrow will bring or how I'll be feeling on a particular day, planning for surgeries and treatments ... it just never ends and every time I have a "bad" day it puts me back a few days and then I have to pick up the pieces and get into a schedule again.

I've mentioned before that I like to be in control - and that being in pain and this place of life we find ourselves is a very good lesson for me that I am NOT in control one little bit!

So, how do I get through it? One thing I am learning is that I just have to get back up and get on with life. It is SO tempting to just give up and lay around watching TV all day long. When I feel like I want so badly to have a home of my own, to have kids, to have a husband who is out of school, to have health ... I just need to put those things out of my mind because in this moment those things are not given to me. What I need to do is get on with life. If today that means that I have to lay low and take care of my health that IS what I need to be doing, if today that means getting out and taking a walk because I feel better - that IS what I need to be doing. Life is never ever going to be everything we dreamed of - at least not until heaven - but we have the choice every moment of the day to get on with life - the life we have been given.

I once heard lady who was in her late 20s or early 30s say something that stuck with me. She was single and so many single people feel this need to know if it is God's will that they be single. She said, "Today it's God's will that I am single." Rather than trying so hard to look forward and find a way out of the limbo of being single, she found peace in grabbing onto today and the fact that she was indeed single in that moment.

I don't want to waste one moment being sorry for the situation I am in, or longing for what I have not been given. I want to grab hold of this moment for the glory of the God Who made it, and live 200% for Him in everything I do!

Soften my Heart

2011-07-05T11:46:00.000-07:00

Years ago I used to lead a high school girls Bible study at our small church. It was a position that was kind of dropped into my lap, and which I will forever be grateful for. Even though I was a college student and they were in high school, some of my very closest friends came from that group. A couple of the girls began leading worship songs at the end of each study playing guitar and singing. The song below became one of our favorite songs which we sang pretty much every week without fail:

Soften My Heart

(Andy Park)

Soften my heart with oil,

Open my eyes to see

Fill me with understanding,

Soften my heart to receive

I want all that You have for me Jesus

All that You have for me

Open my understanding

Soften my heart to receive

I want all that You have for me

Don’t let my heart be fallow

Don’t let my heart be hard

Water me with Your spirit

Soften the ground of my heart

Copyright © 1991 Mercy/Vineyard Publishing. All rights reserved. International copyright secured.

The words to this song sustained me through many years reminding me to give my heart always over to the Lord and to allow Him to work in making me soft toward Him and used by Him.

Today, I am in a much different situation in my life. Still feeling kind of isolated in the big city rather than my comfortable little home town on Whidbey Island. I've been missing ministry to youth, our small church, our family farm etc. There are many unknowns right now in our life. Yesterday my sweet Husband and I celebrated not only Independence Day for our Country, but also our 2nd year anniversary of marriage. All day, I couldn't help feeling like things are about to change in our lives ... again. Our 2 years of marriage have been characterized by much change (which has been good mostly although hard). We can't see the future of what the next year will bring. We don't know the future for my health, for our desire to be parents, for our dream of mission ... sometimes when faced with unknowns I find myself wanting to put up walls around my heart so that it won't get hurt. I find myself wanting to be hardened so that I won't be disappointed again if my dreams fall through. But the words to this song remind me to allow my Redeemer Jesus Christ to keep me soft and open to what He will do. Yes, sometimes that means more hurt, but in the end having a pliable heart in the hands of the God of the Universe is never disappointing from an eternal perspective.

Soften my heart with oil .... This is my prayer today.

Even the Darkness ...

2011-06-22T10:57:00.000-07:00

Last night I couldn't sleep. Might have been because my sweet Husband is off camping for his Northwest Ecology summer class, and we haven't been apart for this long in over 3 years (with not even the ability to call each other either!) Might have been all the things on my mind. Might have been because I felt like the world of chronic health issues is difficult to navigate, the various treatments for confirmed disgnosis, the various opinions on testing to see what ties it all together, the insurance issues, the cost of more testing ... Finally at about 3 am I opened up Psalms and read this:

Psalm 139

For the director of music. Of David. A psalm.

1 You have searched me, LORD,

and you know me.

2 You know when I sit and when I rise;

you perceive my thoughts from afar.

3 You discern my going out and my lying down;

you are familiar with all my ways.

4 Before a word is on my tongue

you, LORD, know it completely.

5 You hem me in behind and before,

and you lay your hand upon me.

6 Such knowledge is too wonderful for me,

too lofty for me to attain.

7 Where can I go from your Spirit?

Where can I flee from your presence?

8 If I go up to the heavens, you are there;

if I make my bed in the depths, you are there.

9 If I rise on the wings of the dawn,

if I settle on the far side of the sea,

10 even there your hand will guide me,

your right hand will hold me fast.

11 If I say, “Surely the darkness will hide me

and the light become night around me,”

12 even the darkness will not be dark to you;

the night will shine like the day,

for darkness is as light to you.

13 For you created my inmost being;

you knit me together in my mother’s womb.

14 I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;

your works are wonderful,

I know that full well.

15 My frame was not hidden from you

when I was made in the secret place,

when I was woven together in the depths of the earth.

16 Your eyes saw my unformed body;

all the days ordained for me were written in your book

before one of them came to be.

17 How precious to me are your thoughts,[a] God!

How vast is the sum of them!

18 Were I to count them,

they would outnumber the grains of sand—

when I awake, I am still with you.

The words in red especially stood out to me. I feel sometimes that chronic illness and pain is a deep darkness. People all have opinions and judgements about other people's pain, doctors are often confused when diagnosis eludes them. Pain can be very isolating. Pain sometimes feels like night time that never ends and you can't fall to sleep. No one sees what it feels like, no one sees the frustration with tests after tests ... It feels like stumbling around in the darkness trying to find a treatment that works and it feels so alone. BUT GOD SEES. He isn't limited by darkness like we are. What a comfort.

After I read this I laid down with the Bible next to me (where my husband usually sleeps) and fell fast asleep. :)

Happy Summer!

2011-06-21T10:32:00.000-07:00

Today is the first day of summer and I just wanted to say Happy Summer to you! If you live in the Pacific Northwest like I do you are probably thrilled to see the sunshine today after a long winter of cold and rain.

It is important and healthy for us to ENJOY the world around us even when we might just feel like crawling into bed some days. It is important for us to rejoice in the beauty God has given us in nature and in people around us, in music and literature and art. It is not only healthy for us but it also makes us more fun to be around. I don't know about you, but I get tired of being around people who are always complaining or never able to see the sunshine because of the clouds. It is a discipline to look at the beauty in a world that holds pain, but it is possible only because of Jesus Christ.

Here is a picture of me in my veggie garden taken last week:

Yes I'm in my PJs ;) This garden is something that makes me smile. I just love it! I love the feeling that I planted these potatoes, peas and brocolli. I love showing my husband what is coming up. I love the feeling of cooking something I have grown from seed.

What makes you smile? I would love to hear about what things you are rejoicing in today!

Choices

2011-06-15T11:37:00.000-07:00

I've visited a lot of hospitals in my day. And though the years I have been learning a lot about the right way to deal with sometimes unbearable pain. I think one thing that I have learned is to choose calmness over chaos. When either yourself or someone you love is in physical pain in that moment you have the choice to make: will you allow the fears and emotions of pain take over, or will you choose to be calm and put your (or your loved one's) health and pain in God's hands.

I've seen lots of both sides of this example in my time sitting in hospital waiting rooms: the hysterical teenage girl with very real pain - which is probably made worse by sobbing, the drug seeking person who needs to make their pain look very real to get what they want, the calm and pale woman waiting patiently although in odvious pain ... Now I am NOT in any way saying that if someone is hysterical they are faking it at all - but that as much as I can I want to avoid letting my emotions during pain get the better of me. I have noticed that when you try as hard as you can to remain calm while seeking medical care it pays off. Nurses have much more patience with you, and things go smoother, usually you end up being cared for faster and feel better sooner. I'm also not saying that you should be fake and pretend you are not in pain - especially if you are seeking medical care. You should be honest, but calm.

How can you choose calm rather than chaos? Trust in God. When you think that everything is spinning out of control you panic. But when you see that God is with you and that He can even use your pain for His glory and your own good it brings calmness and joy.

Lessons from a skinned knee

2011-06-10T17:46:00.000-07:00

When I was little we lived in a house right on the edge of a huge (well maybe it wasn't that huge but when you are 4 everything is much bigger!) church parking lot. One of our favorite things to do was ride our bikes for hours in that parking lot.

I loved riding on my pink powder puff trike and other bikes which came as I got older. So many happy memories flood into my mind as I think of those days riding with my siblings in that parking lot. But some of the memories that I now look at with affection started out horribly for that little girl I used to be. Falls are pretty much guaranteed with riding bikes, or with running and playing outside. And I was no exception. I skinned my knees more than a couple times, or skinned my palms trying to break a fall. Concrete and gravel hurts! A few things come to me mind when I think of those accidents I had riding bikes or playing outside as a child.

1. Falling is part of learning. I am sure that as I learned how to ride I fell less often, I probably adjusted the way I was riding or watching out for others and avoided frequent falls as I got older. I feel sorry for kids whose parents don't let them learn through falling (or try to protect them to an extreme point) - because I think these lessons are an important part of growing and learning. Even these first lessons in pain are valuble later in life.

2. Sometimes it has to hurt more before it gets better. I remember falling and having pieces of gravel stuck in my hand - as I ran screaming to Mama she held me and comforted me but then did something I couldn't understand at the time, she washed my scrapes and got the gravel out of my bleeding wound. And as if that wasn't painful enough she put Bactene (sp?) on which STINGS on open wounds! What kind of loving Mama would cause so much more pain to a little child who was already hurt!? Maybe this lesson is the most important as I grow up. If God is the loving Father I believe Him to be, could it be that He knows best and maybe the pain I am having is Him cleaning me and protecting me from dangerous things (such as infection in a scrape but so much more deadly things spiritually etc).

3. Compassion. You have to go through some kind of pain to learn compassion. Whenever I see a child with a skinned knee I am taken back to those days and I remember how horrible it felt to get hurt as a child. Something that wouldn't be a big deal now was traumatic as a child. I can show compassion as sympathy to others because of pain I have felt physically and emotionally. After a painful break up (which later ended up to be my Husband!) I had much more understanding and compassion for anyone in that situation. My heart feels that horrible pain of being alone and abandoned and God uses that to touch others who are hurting in a similar way. I have a lot to learn about true compassion, but I want to be willing to allow God to teach me and I see that one way is through suffering of my own.

How can God use the pain you might be facing today? Be willing to learn and to have compassion for others.

Get Away

2011-06-04T17:09:00.000-07:00

On Memorial Day when the rest of the world was heading back to work after vacations my sweet Husband and I started off on an adventure. We said good-bye to regular every day life and took 3 full days and nights to do absolutelly nothing -- well nothing except:

swinging in the hammock (until it got drenched by one of many rainstorms)

making and eating healthy camp food (salmon patties, corn on the cob, and asperagus with fresh garlic

napping - I seriously took a two hour nap every day which was so wonderful!

reading - Hind's Feet onHigh Places - an excellent book which I read as a child and now am re-reading out loud to my Farmer. (I will be sharing some bits in this blog)

playing mad libs and laughing our heads off (laughter is the best medicine!)

enjoying the beauty of Creation (these are wilkd trillium) on hikes

I hope you all can have the chance to take some time away from everyday life and enjoy the simple things. Sometimes just stepping back gives life such clarity and peace.

Perspective

2011-06-03T16:04:00.000-07:00

I love the insignt we can gather from others who are running this race of life with us. I spent some precious moments with one of the most beautiful people I know over last weekend in between wedding festivitives of a dear friend. As this young lady and I sat over a scrumptious rehersal dinner, we talked about suffering (I know it might seem weird but there was a lot of context which I won't bother you with now), and joy, and the God who redeems. I have watched this young lady grow up and she is one of the very closest people in my life at this point. She has endured suffering in pretty much every area of her life, yet she still shines with a gorgeous smile and her heart is still tender and pliable in the hands of God. We discused the reason for joy, and the differences between happiness that the world chases which is so different than lasting true peace and joy in the hope God gives His children. As we talked and shared what God has been teaching us both, she said something that stood out to me. She said that sometimes when life hurts so much she reminds herself that this is as close as we (as Christians) will ever get to hell. We have the hope and promise that heaven awaits us - full of total and all encompassing joy, perfection in every way, and lack of all suffering. This life on earth is such a small part of our existence - and we don't have to fear hell because Jesus Christ has saved us by paying the price for our sins in dying on the cross.

When we look at life through this perspective, it really helps us walk with our hope in tact through suffering of all kinds. Are we always happy? No, but we can always be rejoicing in the hope and love that Christ pours out on us every moment. We can be honest about the suffering that this life on earth brings - but also we can raise our eyes above the pain and see the face of the Lord and know that everything is going to be ok.

I thank God for this godly and very dear friend, and for the lessons that I am able to learn by watching her walk with the Lord through suffering toward eternal joy.

Accepting Suffering In Our Lives

2011-05-19T07:50:00.000-07:00

“Suffering, once accepted, loses its edge, for the terror of it lessens, and what remains is generally far more manageable than we had imagined.”

~Lesley Hazelton

No matter what kind of suffering you have, are, or will experience in life (marrital problems, abuse, illness, poverty, loss of a job, loss of a loved one, broken dreams, infertility, having a prodigal child ...) accepting that suffering can disarm it of much of it's agony. I don't mean that we shouldn't do our best to get out of the possition of suffering (especially in the case of abuses), but that we should acknowledge the suffering in our lives and give it to God - knowing that He can redeem even the worst pain and suffering. He never promises to take away all of our pain and suffering - but He does promise that no amount of suffering can separate us from His love.

John 16:33
"I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world."

Suffering should not be a shock to us - we should go through life knowing that suffering will be part of it in one way or another. There WILL be trouble throughout life. And John is talking to believers here - so faith doesn't take away all suffering here on earth.
1 Peter 4:19

"So then, those who suffer according to God's will should commit themselves to their faithful Creator and continue to do good"

We shouldn't assume that because we are suffering that we did something to deserve it - or that we are missing God's will for our lives. God allows suffering and sometimes it is even part of His will.
Philippians 4:6-7

"Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus."

This passage in Philippians is a great example of how we should accept what suffering God has allowed in our lives. Not that we can't ask Him to remove the suffering - but that we shouldn't be anxious about it and we can trust that when we bring our requests to Him He will do what is best - that is where the peace comes from.
Romans 8: 31b, 35, 37-39

"If God is for us, who can be against us? Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall trouble or hardship or persecution or famine or nakedness or danger or sword? No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord. "

I LOVE this Romans passage. Through EVERYTHING we face in life (and Paul knew a few things about suffering when he wrote this) God's love will be with us. We can have hope and peace as we accept whatever He allows in our lives.

Mother's Day

2011-05-09T13:40:00.000-07:00

Yesterday was a lovely mother's day celebrating with family. As I rushed through the weekend (lots of preparations, shopping, cooking, cleaning) I kept feeling like I was forgetting something. Last night after the business of celbration died down I sat down to regroup and suddenly I realized what I was missing all weekend long: my babies. I sometimes feel like a mama who was made to be a mom but my arms are not holding a baby. I'm not gonna lie - this pain of being childless hurts worse than any physical pain I ever have had. Life is not all peaches and cream. We ALL suffer in some way. I'm not going to say that I am always happy facing the fact that I will never feel a baby move inside me or give my Husband a child that looks like him (because that child would be the cutest thing ever!). I have days were I can hardly breath because I long so deeply to be a mother.

BUT - I am also learning that I can be excited for what God has in store - and even though my ability to give birth to a child is taken away (and I will probably always grieve this in some way) God will work good out of this sadness if I let Him. We ALL have some kind of suffering and we don't often get to choose. But we do have choice over what we do with that suffering. If we allow it to make us bitter and hateful, or trusting and full of love and joy. I can honestly say that I don't hate mother's day. I rejoice in the beauty of motherhood around me and I pray that God will put me in that club someday - but even if He doesn't ever give us a baby - I know that God will use the mothering gift He has given me to love children He puts in our path. I choose to rejoice in His plan and know that He is the Redeemer who turns good things out of garbage. His blessings are sometimes in disguise.

The song above is a song that I heard today for the first time and LOVE the truth contained in the lyrics. Listen to it when you have some time to be alone with God. Rejoice that He can use even the deepest pain for His glory and that is the best blessing of all.

Great Excuses

2011-05-07T16:16:00.000-07:00

Whenever we are wondering how we should act the best example to look to is of course Jesus. Being God incarnate, He never sinned. Not one of the rest of us can be that perfect. BUT, if we don't aim high we won't amount to much. I hear a lot of excuses that we as humans give, and I am ashamed that I use excuses myself from time to time. "I just have a strong personality - so I come across as rude.", "I'm sick today, so I'm in a bad mood.", "I've been cleaning up all day so I have a right to snap at my husband and kids.", "I got bad news, so everyone should understand that I'm extra cranky today.", "I'm in pain all the time, so I can't be expected to help with...". The list of excuses goes on and on, and could continue forever.

Those of us with chronic pain, or any chronic suffering, need to be VERY careful not to abuse relationships we have because of our limitations. Knowing our limits is wise, but using our lack of health as an excuse to do what we know God is asking us to do is a waste. I think people expect less of those who have chronic health issues, so it is especially easy for us to become lazy in doing what is good and what we need to do. It is easy to let ourselves have bad attitudes because: "everyone will understand that I'm just having a 'bad day'". While we do have "bad days" it doesn't excuse an attitude of grumbling and complaining. I saw this quote on facebook and had to post it here:

"Even if our own troubles are great, we should still serve. Jesus washed His disciples feet on the way to the cross." ~ Tim Keller

This of this next time you are tempted to come up with a great excuse.

AND Happy Mother's Day to all of you beautiful, wonderful, caring mothers out there (my own sweet mama being #1!)

Water in the face

2011-05-04T17:45:00.000-07:00

I was outside gardening today. In fact, I spend a lot of time outside in the garden. Sometimes I just walk around and look at the plants, sometimes I plant seeds, sometimes I water, sometimes I weed til I am covered in dirt. The last is what I did today (well actually I did a little of each but ended with a LOT of weeding. I am trying to reclaim parts of the yard that have been overtaken by weeds or by plants that grow too well giving no room to anything else. I've mentioned on more than one occasion that being outside in the garden is thereputic - for me at least. There are probably some of you who would rather drink cod liver oil than work in a garden. But not me. I'm a true child of the earth (as my Farmer used to say when we were all covered in dust after planting row upon row of crops on a hot day), and I feel so alive when I am working in the garden.

Today while I was working I remembered something. I was working hard and I remembered how when I was 15 and we were building our house I would be working hard in the garden or playing hard with my brother. When I got hot from the heat of the day plus physical activity I would go to the red garden faucet and pull up on the handle til the cool water flowed out. I would put my mouth under the faucet and drink the sweet fresh water and then let it run all over my face and sometimes the back of my neck if I was especially hot. For some odd reason those moments with cool water just when I was feeling parched and tired was something that stuck with me.

Years later when I was becoming more and more sick I would take walks down the country road, past the farm where my Farmer (although at that time I have no clue of where our casual friendship would go!) worked, past the wild rose secret hollow, to the beach. Then I would walk back - and since walking back was mostly uphill I would huff and puff and be totally wiped out at the end of the walk. I often felt pretty bad pain on these walks especially going uphill - sometimes I had to sit alongside the road to ease the pain. Somehow I felt that walking would make me stronger even though it hurt. When I finally made it up our long dirt road and onto the first hill of our property I would see that old red faucet waiting for me. I would put my face under the faucet and drink the sweet water and let it flow all over my face - splashing it over my arms and neck. At this point I was having continual pain (something that started when I was 18), but when I felt the shock of the cold water against my flushed face it took the pain away for a moment and transported me back to those more carefree days when I was 15 without so much pain. That red faucet kept me going and became my goal. I would get through the pain and be rewarded with the bliss of cool water on my face.

Ultimately, God and heaven should be the Goal that we look to when we are walking through the uphill parts of life. One day all of us who believe and accept Him will be free of pain and we will see the face of God and be with Him forever. He will wipe away all of our tears and make every pain worth it in the end. God is so much more than cool water to a parched mouth. He is Who I desire to live for every day - He is Who I want to love more every moment of my life. Words cannot express how important He is, and how He gives me strength I couldn't have on my own.

Faith Fixes Everything ... Right??

2011-05-02T20:28:00.000-07:00

http://www.nsb.org/sermons/urban-legends-debunking-christian-myths

Yesterday we almost missed out on church. Since Joshua had been sick and he was looking toward chemistry final exam today he needed to sleep in. So we literally slept through the first and second service. Then we spent the day in the garden and playing singing hymns with the piano and guitar ... and viola. It was so much fun. Sort of last minute we ended up going to the evening service partly because we had to drop something off at church. Pastor Jonathan was starting a new series. EXCELLENT. This sermon was so very good and so very important when living a life in chronic pain. And this sermon reminded me of so much of what I want to encourage myself and others on this blog. I KNOW that I have faith. I believe that God could take away my pain right now. But, I do not buy into the prosperity gospel that God gives health and wealth to ALL those who have faith. I choose to live in the reality that life is hard and full of pain - but with God there is hope. Not hope that God will do whatever I want. But that God will do what is best and that even pain can be used to bring glory to Him. I am choosing (and it is a moment by moment thing) to live the life that God gave me and to live with joy based on he relationship that I have with God and the hope of heaven and the belief that there is so much more than this earth. There is so much more than a broken and hurting body. Faith doesn't mean that I get what I want when I want it - faith means that I trust in God even when life hurts and makes me want to doubt everything. Faith isn't holding onto God when everything is going smooth - it's jumping off a cliff knowing that God is holding me even when I can't see His hands.

PLEASE go to Pastor Jonathan's blog and go down o the bottom of the blog and click on download to listen to the sermon. Then come back here and tell me what you thought about it!

On the other side of the fence

2011-05-01T22:20:00.000-07:00

My Husband was sick this past week. I knew something was bad when he told me in the middle of the night that his throat was sore - so I got up and got him some medication. The next day he had school and work but he sent a text asking for me to pray for him to get throught his shift at work because he was feeling so achy. When he got home I took his temp. and he had a fever which continued to get higher through the afternoon and evening. Finally he feel to sleep and I knew he was REALLY sick when he didn't even want to eat his mom's homemade chicken soup with dumplings (which I had made for him).

Sometimes it's good for those of us who have continual health issues to take care of someone else who is in pain and feeling horribly sick. While there are distinct differences in having a passing illness and being in constant pain or illness - it can be helpful for us to see how it feels to be the one caring for something who is sick. It's important to feel the worry over if something could be seriously wrong, to know how it feels (even in part) to watch someone you love deeply feeling pain and sickness. Not only does it move our eyes from the constant danger of selfish interspection, but it also helps us feel what it's like for those who are close to us to deal with our health issues. I wanted to snap my fingers and make my husband feel better. I LONGED to take away his fever and pain he was having. I wanted to do anything to make him drink and eat and feel ok again. I hated seeing him suffering. I would a million times rather be the one who was sick (and I did end up catching a mild case of whatever it was he had) than the one watching someone suffering. This is probably how my husband feels when I am in noticable pain or sick.

I think the discipline of thinking outside of ourselves is so healthy and needed. It isn't a pity party. Life isn't just about me and my comfort. I (and you) need to think how it feels for those who are close to us and love us. Our chronic pain and illness that never goes away causes GREAT pain to those who love us as well. Maybe it causes more pain to them than it does to us. So for all of you who are reading who love someone who is dealing with chronic health issues: thank you for sticking with us. Thank you for loving us even though our lack of good health causes you pain. Thank you for being here when we feel alone. Thank you for not giving up. For going to yet another doctor appointment. For reminding us to take medication or vitamins. For cooking for us when we don't have the energy. For finding little ways to ease our discomfort. There are really no words to thank you enough.

Lastly, in living well while dealing with chronic pain or illness, those of us on this side of the fence can ease the pain of those who love us and want us to be cured. When I choose to live in joy even when life is no fun - I ease the pain that my husband (and others close to me) feel when they look at my life. No, I am NOT always happy. Life is NO fun at times. Pain HURTS - badly sometimes. But, there IS joy and hope and meaning even in a life lived with pain - and that is because of Jesus Christ. Grab onto that joy and hope and meaning. If you don't know the peace and joy that Jesus can give please talk to me about it! I would love to share the best new I have ever heard with you. He is the reason I live.

some thoughts on good doctors

2011-04-28T16:30:00.000-07:00

Doctors get a bad rap. Some of them definately deserve it. Some of the things we blame on doctors aren't their fault at all - some of it is the insurance or legalities of their job. Some of it is probably beng tired of dealing with sick people all the time. But, in my years I have definately met some bad doctors for one reason or another. Doctors that just throw medications at symptoms, doctors who only think inside the little box they know - or doctors who don't want to deal with someone who is in chronic pain and illness. It's probably frustrating for them too.

But because of some of the bad doctors I have met - I'm even more grateful for doctors who really do try to take the best care of their patients that they can. Today I got some paperwork from my doctor who worked doing research for hours this week looking up some testing she is going to run for me. This took her a long time and a lot of waiting (not always patiently) on my part. Last week I showed up for the blood test and found out that they needed to do more looking into the test since it was very specific and she didn't want to do it wrong. She has been working with me for over years - and others in her office were working with me as a 7 year old kid with asthma and then again as a teenage when I started dealing with more complex health issues. It is good to have a relationship with a good doctor. I am very grateful to have this specilist as well as my pcp who I have been with for many many years as well. It is tempting when you are always dealing with pain and health issues to want to ditch any doctor who doesn't or can't offer real help right away - but I think if the doctor is at least trying to help and is willing to work with you sticking with it is the best option.

But back to my gratefulness: I am just SO thankful to Dr. M for helping me with this and taking time (which I wasn't paying her for!) to research the best tests possible for me. It is sadly rare for doctors to be able to take extra time or to have the patience to work with a person like me who may never get fully well on this earth. So, for all of you doctors out there: Be like Dr. M - be loving and caring and be willing to go the extra mile. It just might be the encouragment someone needs to keep going today. And for all your patients out there: stick with it! Be your own advocate and be willing to work with your doctor - open communication is always best with doctors.

Those are my thoughts for today!

O Sacred Head Now Wounded - Fernando Ortega

2011-04-22T18:01:00.000-07:00

This is a moving protrayal of the sacrifice Jesus paid for us and the hymn I wrote about a few moments ago ...

O Sacred Head Now Wounded

2011-04-22T16:30:00.000-07:00

Standing up for the Christain faith is NOT popular in our culture. Or, should I say that standing up for Christian faith that is exclusive is not popular. It is VERY culturally acceptable to talk about "god" or spirituality or each person's own individual way to peace etc. But when the Bible says that Jesus Christ is the ONLY way (John 14:6 " Jesus answered, 'I am the way and the truth and the life. No one comes to the Father except through me.' ") it becomes much less acceptable. We live in a culture where "All roads lead to Rome" and absulute truth is under constant attack. In fact I am sure that there are those of you reading this blog who are mad at me right now for taking this stand. I love people and care about what people think - but ultimately I stand before God on what I believe and what I stand for publically and privately.

Well, on this Good Friday I am here to say that I am not ashamed of the Gospel of Jesus Christ who died for my sins (and the sins of the whole world) and raised from the dead 3 days later - to bridge the gap between the holiness of God and sinfulnes of man. My entire life is based on the redeeming work of Jesus Christ - the hope of heaven and the constant friendship I have with the Creator of the universe. The work Jesus did on the cross brings me to my knees. All day the words to this old hymn have been in my heart - and I want to challenge you to read them OUT LOUD :

O Sacred Head Now Wounded

Text: Anonymous; trans. by Paul Gerhardt and James W. Alexander

---------------------------------

1. O sacred Head, now wounded,

with grief and shame weighed down,

now scornfully surrounded

with thorns, thine only crown:

how pale thou art with anguish,

with sore abuse and scorn!

How does that visage languish

which once was bright as morn!

2. What thou, my Lord, has suffered

was all for sinners' gain;

mine, mine was the transgression,

but thine the deadly pain.

Lo, here I fall, my Savior!

'Tis I deserve thy place;

look on me with thy favor,

vouchsafe to me thy grace.

3. What language shall I borrow

to thank thee, dearest friend,

for this thy dying sorrow,

thy pity without end?

O make me thine forever;

and should I fainting be,

Lord, let me never, never

outlive my love for thee.

"What laungage shall I borrow to thank Thee Dearest Friend?" Words utterly fail me as I think of the agonizing death that Jesus died to save those who have turned their backs on Him (ME! and YOU!). The end of this hymn is beautiful - "should I fainting be, Lord, let me never, NEVER outlive my love for Thee." No matter what you are facing today that makes you want to faint - fear or pain or anything else - keep your love for Jesus alive. That is what matters more than anything. And this is my prayer as I go into this Easter weekend.

BE right where you are

2011-04-21T12:15:00.000-07:00

I just got home from spending an hour and a bit at the local Senior Center at their "Senior Singers" class. No, I'm not lying about my age - I am really 32 - but God has blessed me with a social calendar lately that is more made up of 80-90 somethings than 20-30 somethings. I say blessed because it IS such a blessing! To be able to hang around people who have been through most of their life - seen history in the making, raised children, succeeded in long marriages, lived through the deepest griefs of their lives yet still have joy in their hearts .. and more. I want to learn all that I can from these ladies and men. There is such wisdom and beauty that only comes with age.

As we sat there singing songs like: "Swanee", "Moon River", and "I've Been Workin' On the Railroad" my heart was very full. I love old songs that have history and memories for so many generations.

I know that to embrace this lifestyle I have been given, there have been certain changes to my social calendar. And I really am ok with that. This way of living is really good for my health and good for my soul. I don't want to waste any experience that God gives me as a gift. I am VERY thankful for this time in my life that I get to spend with those who have gone before and who can teach me important life lessons. I am rejoicing in the blessings that He pours out on me as I yeild to whatever it is He wants me to do in this moment.

Life is VERY good if we allow God to be the One in control and if we jump in 100% wherever He leads us.

Adjust Yourself

2011-04-18T14:54:00.000-07:00

So, I was sitting in the waiting room at the hospital the other day - in between some testing I was having done, and I overheard something that might change my attitude forever.

As I sat there an elderly couple came and sat down. She was so cute and pettite her white hair framing her black skin beautifully. He was wearing the same kind of cap that my late Grampy used to wear - and his hands were worm from a life of hard work. He called someone on a cell phone and left a message to the effect that he needed help fixing a broken down car. (I wasn't trying to listen but they were sitting super close and it was unavoidable). After he got off the phone he seemed agitated and said something to his wife about how frustrated he was about the lack of transportation because of the broken down car. Then his sweet frail little wife said something that I will remember forever. She hardly looked up but said something about how she wished he would stop fussing over the car since there was nothing he could do about it - and then these two words that jumped out to me: "Adjust Yourself." Followed by: "You'll live longer if you don't let things bother you."

Adjust Yourself.

The circumstanes in life are NOT always sunshine and roses. There IS pain in the world. There are things that cause us a lot of frustration if we let them. We can't control the circumstances - but what we can do in those moments of frustration is adjust ourselves.

I'm NOT always happy. The name of my blog might lead you think that that is my goal. No. Happiness by the world's standards is fleeting. But the true and lasting joy that comes from adjusting ourselves to the plans and love of God in every circumstance is possible every single day. Take some time today and ask God if your attitude needs adjusting.

One Project Per Day 2

2011-04-13T17:55:00.000-07:00

I've been pretty good with keeping up with my "One Project Per Day" thing. It helps me to have lists and to have a list of things that I can do around my house helps me to be able to do something productive even when I don't really feel like doing anything major. I have stated listening to a Christian radio show in the evenings and I usually take that time (significantly after dinner to give time for a rest and hang out time) to do the dinner dishes quick (another of my tricks is to do the dishes as I cook so that it is only serving dishes and a couple plates to wash after dinner) and sometimes do a little "project" as well. Last night I washed and disinfected the microwave which only took me a few minutes but it makes me feel so good whenever I open it today to have it all clean and sparkling. Some of you might be in the possition with your health that doing things like these are just impossible. Well, I believe the concept of doing something - ANYTHING productive during each day can still be accomplished no matter what your state of health is (and yes I am speaking from experience here). Even if you are bed-ridden you can take the time to write a note to someone or make a phone call. If you are in too much pain to talk (which I totally understand) take a moment to pray for someone in need. DO something! It doesn't have to be household chores - it could be knitting a baby blanket, or organizing your purse. The reason these things are so important and the discipline of doing something is because ,"idle hands are the devil's playground" (as our grandmother's generation would say) - when you are not doing something productive you begin to either feel sorry for yourself which is useless - or you begin to be nosey into other's lives - which is just not nice. When you have a project or something that you can take a little pride in doing it makes you feel better about yourself and turns your eyes toward God and reminds you to be the best that He created you to be (that is what I have noticed at least). No excuses because of being sick. Now, I know that at times the things we are able to do are limited -( I have walked through times like that - but the concept is still doable and worth trying for sure. Not to overdo it or disobey doctor's orders - but to learn how to live and be productive (even in prayer!!) with the body that God has given each of us and the circumstances we find ourselves in each day - pain or not.

Ok here are some of my projects over the last week:
Fridge: Before: totally unorganized and full of yucky stuff (is tofu supposed to be pink?) and After:

My dish cupboard: was a total mess in particular the vitamin and pill area so I took a baking dish and organized the vitamins etc and it is so much better! Everything in it's place! (sorry no before shot)

Bathroom cabinet: might not be too impressive to you but it was literally full of sheets and towels that were thrown wherever they could be thrown and now each thing has a spot .. again.

My little "kitchen window" shelf is all decorated for spring now! St. Patrick's Day stuff put away.

Probably most rewarding has been getting out in the garden now that that weather has been warmer. I find it so good for me to be outside and makes me deal with pain better. I LOVE being in the garden. I tell myself to just do a little each time I go out so that it isn't too much for me.

What projects are you doing today? My project for today was to bake some sugar-free cheesecake for sweet Husband - not sure it turned out but he is so nice and loved anything I bake.

Thankfuls

2011-04-11T14:21:00.000-07:00

Occasionally I like to write out reasons I have to be thankful. I think this is important for everyone to take the time to really think about the blessings in our lives, and purpose to look at the possitive rather than focus on pain or any circumstance that is hard for us. Here is my list today:

1. God. I know that's kind of an odvious one but I am just so so grateful that every moment through each day I have Someone to talk with Who understands everything and loves me unconditionally.

2. Sunshine! I spent some time outside today and it was actually warm! I love sunshine.

3. Rain - I also love rain - it makes it so cozy for taking a nap and being all cuddly with warm blankets. I love that God created variety in weather.

3. Gummy Vitamins. I know - kinda random, but I just love them! I take calcium and fish oil in children's gummies and it makes me smile. :)

4. Music. LOVE music. Yesterday we got to stay for church (sometimes we can't because of Husband's work schedule) and I just loved being able to sing worship to our Great God.

5. My Husband! He just walked in and I love how my heart skips a few beats every time I hear his voice.

6. Flowers. We planted pansies, impatients, alyssum and lots more and I just get so happy every time I see them. This weekend I am putting together wedding bouquets for a bride and I am so excited about it!

7. Friends. I'm chatting with one of my oldest and closets friends from college - I just love how we can know that the other one means without lots of explaination.

8. The ability to write and read and connect with people over this blog!

9. Farmer's Markets - we got lots of veggies yesterday and I am excited about eating them for dinner!

10. Pictures - I love looking at pictures and remembering fun times and also looking at friend's pictures too. I am always taking pictures because I want to remember everything!

There is so much fun that I am thankful for - but I would also love to hear your list of thankfuls today! Send a comment!

Keep Your Eyes Open!

2011-04-09T10:16:00.000-07:00

I've been reminded this week of how God brings us just what we need at the perfect time. Sometimes it doesn't seem like He does. I have had plenty of times in my life where I shout into heaven: "WHY" - why do I struggle with constant health issues when others are free to do the things they want to do. Why do I feel alone in the area of infertility. Why are we living paycheck to paycheck? Sometimes, it definately feels like God is on a totally different timeline - with a different view of what is really important in life. And in actuality I think a lot of living a life of joy amidst our circumstances is choosing to shift our priorities to those of God - constantly working through His grace in growing closer to Him each day so that our "needs" are alligned with what He knows is best for us. So that our time is in line with His greater timeline.

I also think that as we walk through life we need to keep our eyes open. We might feel that God has forgotten about a particular need we have, but if we look closly we will see how He brings answers into our lives at the perfect time. Here are some of the ways I have seen God work in the resent days:

1. Doctor - I had contacted my doctor and didn't hear back for a long time, I thought that probably she was not going to be able to help in this situation - but as it turned out she has worked on the issue at hand and is going out of her way to help me out with a blood test that my insurance won't cover - working on trying to keep it as cheep for me as possible. Then on the very day we found out about this test we received an annonomous gift in the mail for almost the exact amount that we will need to pay for this testing! No clue who sent that to us (if you are reading - THANK YOU!) God's provision as we stepped out in faith to pursue this.

2. Beauty of Creation: Wanted to get out yesterday in the sun so we went to the park with my Grandmother. It was just so lovely and sunny and we got to feed the ducks and geese by hand. It was just one of those times that you know God planned - we had so much fun just enjoying creation.

3. Met a fun couple yesterday who are also struggling with infertility and looking into adoption. We don't have any friends who are in the same boat that we can talk with and share with. We absolutely love all the precious babies that our friends and siblings have brought into our lives - but sometimes we just feel alone in wanting a baby but not having one. Blessed by these new friends and the way God brings people into our lives at the perfect time to encourage each other.

4. Got a comment this morning from a new friend of the blog - randomly found the blog this morning while sipping coffee. Sounds like she was encouraged by my blog (which all the credit goes to God for any of that!) and I am just happy to see that she found me! This week I have been really struggling with feeling like the enemy wants me to stop blogging out of fear. Fear of people. Fear of rumors. Fear of uninformed judgement. Seeing a new friend who is encouraged by what I write today gives me new strength. I know this is what God wants me to do at this time. I know there will be those who stand against what I am doing, who judge my life ... but knowing one person is helped by what I do and knowing that God is the One who knows all and will judge fairly - these things keep me going.

Perfect timing. A Perfect God.

I would LOVE to hear your stories of how God has met you at the perfect time with just what you really needed. Please comment on this post to share!

One Project Per Day

2011-04-07T17:52:00.000-07:00

I started a new "thing" this week. It's called: "One Project Per Day". As a bit of an overachiever, but also sometimes a bit lazy, I needed a good balance between doing everything in one day and being totally useless the next 3 days. I made a list of things I would like to get done around the house and yard - things that are kind of extra and that feel overwhelming if I think of doing them all in one day. Here is an example:

I needed some signs in our veggie garden so that I would know what was where - someone (who will remain annonomous) lost my tiny paintbrush which is what I will blame the sloppiness of the signs on - oh and the fact that I don't know where the chop saw is (and YES I do know how to use a chop saw) to make my own nice even little pieces of wood - I just found these in the kindling box. ;)

Aren't my baby broccoli cute?!?!

Ok so potatoes aren't really up yet (except one that is in the back)- and the onions are freaking out after being transplanted. I will have to add some pictures when the garden actually looks good.

THIS is what I would love my signs to look like - this was a bridal shower gift which I just really really like a ton. :) As you can see the garden is definately in process. So far I have the broccoli, peas (just came up ysterday!), onions, potatoes (only one is showing it's head), and lettuce greens which you can see some of here:

My BABIES! Not only do I feel great when I get something done like these little signs - but I also love the natural therepy that being outside with my hands in the dirt gives me. The whole world could be against me, but out in the garden I feel peace and total bliss. If you don't have a garden, at least plant some flowers in a window box or a bot on your deck - it is so so good and a great way to escape from any type of pain.

Don't overdo it - just tell yourself: One Project Per Day! (Ok I'll admit I did 3 yesterday - but they were all little ones and lots of fun)

How Can I Help?

2011-04-06T15:46:00.000-07:00

I'm a housewife. I wanted this job my entire life. Sometimes, when my husband is tired from being away from the home all day, and working so hard to make ends meet I wonder what I am doing to help. When you add all the medical bills that I am constantly creating it can make me feel bummed. My husband wants me to stay home which I love. I'm kinda old-fashioned I guess but I love being the one greeting my husband at the door with the smell of freshly baked bread on the air. While I do work some odd jobs from home and love it - I still sometimes need to remind myself that the things I do here at home are really valuble and are a great help and encouragment to my sweet husband.

Well, here are some hints to what I can do to be a good housewife to my amazing husband:

My husband appreciates the time and creativity I put in to make our sweet basement apartment feel like home. I enjoy decorating and I love to make the house look fresh and new by switching things around. I don't have a window in my kitchen so this shelf (which my Daddy made for me a million years ago) is my "window" in front of the sink. I decorate it for each season and have so much fun doing it!

I make yummy (usually) and nutritious food for my husband and I to enjoy. The way to a man's heart is through his tummy you know. (this is a chicken burger seasoned with herb de provonce, with a kale and lavender balsamic mayo and carmelized onions - delicious oh and with and a home made bun)

This was the first meal I ever made for my husband when we got home from our honeymoon. We loved that deck (and the meal wasn't half bad either - chilli with fresh cilantro and limes) Notice the flowers and presentation. My Daddy always told us that presentation was super important when making a meal, and it's amazing how much more I can bless my husband when I put even a tiny bit of effort into making it look nice and romantic.

And last but definately not least: lots of kissin' is another way I can help my sweet husband. As a new wife I am learning that sometimes the most kind thing I can do is take a second to give a kiss before he walks out of the door or when he comes home at night. Even if I am not feeling 100% or it's been a long day, or I'm sick of doing dishes ... a simple kiss can make him feel like I care.

Fun and Healthy Snack Ideas

2011-04-05T16:44:00.000-07:00

Eating healthy is something that everyone should be doing. Not just those with health issues. Over the years I have definately had my struggles with eating healthy - when I don't feel good the last thing I want to do is cut up veggies and make a salad. Often the last thing I want to do is eat at all - I would love to just live on popsickles and fruit snacks when I don't feel great. Refined sugar is not good for the immune system so my husband and I are doing our best to stay away from it most of the time. I am also staying away from wheat which is actually a lot harder than staying away from sugar - but I seem to be doing ok with it. Here are some of my current favorite snacks which have no white sugar in them:

Gummy Frozen Fruit: I don't love the texture of dried fruit like raisins - so I get the no sugar varieties and then pop them in the freezer. Then when I want a little something reminiscent of gummy bears I take some out and eat them! DELICIOUS! The texture of frozen dried fruit is heavenly if you like that gummy texure. The best are cherries and apricots. YUM!

Strawberry non Ice Cream : I take fresh frozen whole strawberries and cut them up as little as possible (fine slices work best) then whip up organic whipping cream and at the last minute add fresh vanilla bean and avage necter. Put the cream over the strawberries and if you need a little more sweetness drizzel the whole thing with avage again. My husband and I knew that we just couldn't give up ice cream - but with this invention we don't even miss it. I had some ice cream after doing this for a few months and was definately dissapointed with the ice cream. This also gives you fiber with the whole strawberries and is much more satisfying as agave is much more gentle on your body than refined sugar - doesn't seem to create the cravings that junk food does.

Organic Carrots: Ok so this one is not very oiginal at all - but for years I thought that carrots were bitter and even thouh I kinda liked them I wouldn't eat many of them raw ( except the ones that I grew which never were very many). Well, my mama told me that the organic ones are delicious and so like an obedient child I went and bought some the same day. LIFE CHANGING! I get the big Costco bag or organic local carrots (whole not the baby ones which are slimey) and eat about 3 at a time when I need something to chomp on. The flavor is amazing and sweet and just yumminess.

Brussel Sprout - Sprouts: for this one you need to have a garden. This was born out of my experience farming with my husband's family in the early spring when we didn't have much to harvest. Plant brussel sprouts (yes even if you hate the soggy yellow stinky ones you had at great aunty's house as a kid) in your garden this spring and then in the fall you will have brussel sprouts. That's all fine and good but don't dig up the plants when the winter comes. Next spring they should send out little shoots of deliciousness which are so yummy that I never even brought them into the house - just eat them right in the garden. YUM!

Kale Chips: You may have heard of these - just take some nice firm kale and bake it drizzeled with olive oil, pepper, salt and maybe chilli flakes. You have to bake them until they are crispy but not bured (if they get burned they will taste bitter). You can use these like chips and dip them in hummus or something else or just eat plain. I know some people don't like the flavor but if you like kale these are amazing!

Secret Smoothy: I just start dumping stuff in the blender usually something like this: 1/4 cup organic plain keifer, 1/4 cup organic carrot joice (or other juice preferably veggie juice), frozen banana, some frozen berries, maybe some honey or agave - then I blend and drink! YUM! I know people who add spinach leaves and you can't even tell! Or flax meal, tofu etc. A great way to secretly get fruits and veggies in for kiddos as well as good pro-biotics with keifer or yogert!

I would love to hear your ideas for yummy and healthy snacks!

HERE I am

2011-04-04T22:05:00.000-07:00

Yesterday I sat with my sweet mama as we drove to a baby shower, and we talked about worship and being wives. It was so refreshing and I just love my mama so much!
"Here I am to worship. Here I am to bow down, Here I am to say that You're my God."

I find that the words to this praise song get stuck in my head a lot. And I don't think it's an accident. I have been noticing that the words come to me at "funny" times - like when I am cleaning the toilet, doing the dishes, folding my husband's socks, making dinner, talking to a friend who needs someone to listen when I don't feel like I have the time to be on the phone. I have no question in my mind that the words to this song are put in my mind by God Himself. He desires me to do everything for His glory - no matter how small or how "insignificant" - He can be worshipped through even simple things. I am still a new wife - and part of the adventure with this blog has been to search being the best wife that I can be - with no excuses because of my health. In the "little" tasks of keeping a house and being a wife I want to worship God. HERE I am to worship.

But, the words to this song go even deeper with me.

When I was a little girl if you had told me that I would grow up and NOT be able to grow a baby inside me I would have ... I probably would have felt that my life would be meaningless. I wanted to have a baby - physically have a baby, more than any other thing in life. If I would have known that at age 32 I would not have children (biological or adopted) I would have figured life was over for me. If when I was 18 you would have told me I would be 30 by the time I got married I would have been shocked. If you would have told me that I would be living in the US and not Africa and I would have thought that my life could not be worship to the God I longed (still long) to serve in mission work. If you would have told me 3 years ago that Joshua and I would not be working on his family farm, I would have felt hopeless. If you would have told me that I would be walking with my husband through school - having to be apart most days and evenings when we are still newlyweds I would have cried.

But, in those times when I feel that the place I am in isn't one I would have chosen, God whispers these words into my heart: "HERE I am to worship. HERE I am to bow down. HERE I am to say that You're my God." For very few of us life ends up exactly as we planned and dreamed. We might look at other's lives and say that THAT would be a life that would be easy to worship God with every day -(if I was a missionary I could be really worshipping God every moment etc). But, God has given to each of us a life. And no matter where we are - that is the place we need to choose to worship God. The world might think that to be really happy we need to have what we always dreamed of having. In this blog I am exploring a different kind of happy - true and lasting joy that comes from acceptance of what God has allowed in our lives and turning to Him as our strength and ultimate joy. When we choose to worship Him right where we are a deep an lasting joy overcomes everything else and we know that we are right where we should be. At the throne of grace.

Choose this day - right HERE to worship.

Oh for Pity sake!!

2011-04-01T12:28:00.000-07:00

This morning I had the joy of sleeping in as long as I wanted (which ended up being til about 9) .. I actually have that pleasure pretty much every day. I woke up and had yummy rice bread toast - but could have had a number of other tasty and healthy things from my fridge or pantry. I decided that since it is the birthday of my Great Aunt I would make some of my favorite shortbread tea cookies for her - and I LOVE to bake and cook. I put the cookies in the sweet little oven I have and they turned out lovely. I talked with the sweetest mama on earth today - and I just love talking with her. Then I got the mail and a box full of our wedding pictures (which we finally got developed!) came! Grammie and I had a fun time looking at pictures and just visiting. I watered my baby veggie and flower starts and am REALLY excited about the gardens that I get to tend this spring and summer! I LOVE planting things! This afternoon I think I may do a little laundry, run some errands and think of something delicious for dinner for us. My husband will be home so maybe we will watch a Friday night movie!

Yes, I do have chronic pain. BUT that does not mean that I don't have a full and VERY Happy life. Each one of you has things in your life that are no fun - we ALL do - we all have responsibilities (I get sick of doing dishes all the time - but it's part of loving to cook!) that we get caught up in at times. BUT it is so important to choose to live a life of thankfulness and joy every day. I get tired of people saying that because I am sick that they pity me - I have NOT asked for pity!!! Yes, I have chosen to live a life of transparancy hoping to use my experience to encourage others who might be dealing with health issues etc. Being honest about the fact that I have health issues is not because I want pity from any of you! I want this experience to be used! I don't think God allows things in our lives to be wasted. I have a wonderful life and God is always showing me the things I have to be thankful for no matter what! I am very grateful for this place that God has put my husband and I - yes he is in school and he just wants to get done, it isn't maybe the first choice (we would love to be on the mission field or adopting babies) but it is a good place and a place of a lot of growth. And I am blessed beyond words to have this deep relationship with my sweet Grammie and the joy of her company when my husband is at work in the evenings or doing homework. God has blessed us greatly with allowing us to live here and be close to Grammie - and I do hope we are a blessing to Grammie as well!

I thank God for my life and the joy of simple things that I get to take part in every day. I hope that you can say the same about your life no matter where you are today.

being a pencil

2011-03-30T10:24:00.000-07:00

A good friend sent this to me and I felt it was perfect for where I am and for where I need to remind myself to be on a daily basis. We may sometimes think that what we can do is limited and we are useless (or others might think that and make us doubt ourselves) - BUT God has a plan and can use us just as we are for His glory. I am rejoicing that He sees me as useful and whole because of Him. May we each be available to Him today - to be used how He sees fit!

“ So the Lord said to him, “What is that in your hand?” ”
Exodus 4:2 (NKJV)
The most popular technology in my classroom is an old-fashioned, hand-cranked pencil sharpener. I have to empty the shavings almost every day.
Who could have predicted that a stick of cedar seven inches long would be so useful for so many years to so many people: writers and editors, teachers and test takers, artists and composers, carpenters and puzzle masters?
Perhaps the greatest virtue of the pencil is its abundance. I’m never more than ten feet from a pencil. Almost three billion of them are manufactured every year in America alone.
The pencil is a good metaphor for one of the most treasured of character traits: availability. If I want to be a more valuable and useful person, I need to be more available.
“Will you teach my Sunday school class while I’m on vacation?”
“Yes, I can do that.”
“Can I talk to you for a few minutes; it’s important.”
“Sure, have a seat.”
“Could you give me a hand with these groceries?”
“You bet.”
I don’t need a college degree, movie-star looks or money in the bank to be more useful. I just need to be handy.
When I say yes , I become a pencil in the hand of God and He can write His story through me.
Yes, God, whatever You want me to do today, the answer is yes .
By Daniel Schantz

step back and see Him

2011-03-29T12:56:00.000-07:00

A disclaimer: this is a moment of how I felt this day. NOT at all a real view of my every day or every moment. But I think the lessons in this are real and might help some of you too ...I've been researching and contacting every doctor in the area specilizing in a particular illness which my cardiologist, naturopath and primary care doctor all think I need to pursue. It's really tiring. Sending emails, calling, waiting on hold, asking questions, writing down pricing, writing down testing, calling the labs ... it's TIRING and feels like a part time job. I know that this kind of going back and forth with doctors, insurance companies, pharmacies etc is very common with those in chronic pain or with chronic health issues. I often just give up and don't do all the paperwork and phone and leg work required to see all the different specilists and look into different treatments etc. It just feels too overwhelming. When you aren't feel good dealing with phone calls, emails and paperwork is the last thing you want to do - let alone trying to figure out the budget to cover expencive tests and treatments. Right now I feel pretty hopeless that I will ever get done with all I need to, and that I am fighting a loosing battle with my insurance and finances. I feel like throwing my hands in the air and giving up. I feel like wrapping myself in a blanket and sleeping for the rest of the week. But these things are not an option. One thing I have been learning is that no one else is going to do these things for me. My doctors work hard on my case and do all they can (most of the time) to even put in extra time looking for ways to help treat me - but when it comes down to it, I am my only advocate to make sure that things get done - records get where they need to be, appointments get made, tests are run, medication is ordered and taken, my diet is followed, vitamins are taken and everything is paid for. Again, it feels totally impossible to me - IN THIS MOMENT! If you think I feel like this all the time you're wrong! But even those who have no physical pain or illness have times when you feel the pressures of life are too much - and I am no different. BUT in those fleeting moments when it feels like too much paperwork, and too much to do to take care of my health - God is very present, if I take the time to allow myself to see Him.

The ways I can take the time to see Him in my daily life is to step back when I feel overwhelmed and take a little break. Play the piano, take a nap, read some Scripture verses and most of all talk with my God who is with me every step of the way. I am SO grateful that I have a lot of opportunities to take time out and seek Him in my life. He is not limited by finances the way that we are. He is not limited by time. He is not limited by ANYTHING - and He loves ME and will do what is best with all these details that feel (at this moment) like they are spinning out of control. If you are faced with overwhelming things today - things you need to do, bills you need to pay etc. take some time to step back and just breath deep. God has you and me in His very capable hands. He is 100% capable of doing what we feel is too hard.

Jelly Beans

2011-03-24T18:35:00.000-07:00

Who ever knew that jelly beans could be so ... cruel! They just sit there in the dish staring at me with their tantalizing colors and wide range of flavors as if to say: "you can't resist me!" Hmmppfff.

Well, Mr. Jelly Bean, I CAN.

My doctors have told me that sugar is very hard on my body as it lowers the immune system and makes inflamation worse. Those who know me personally know that I have a serious sweet tooth for candy and chocolate. Oh and ice cream ... lucious ice cream! And I am not one of those people who can eat just one .. or like my big sister who got a huge candy cane one year for Christmas and allowed herself only ONE lick per day for over a year ... (I think she eventually threw it away). No way folks - if I start eating a chocolate bar I will finish the whole thing. And generally if candy is anywhere in sight I will eat it faster than you can say, "chocolate bunny". I know that my lack of discipline with candy has been a weak spot for me and that it definately wasn't honoring of God with my body.

But I have found renewed discipline in what I eat. My secret? Accountability. My husband decided to go off sugar with me and because he is such a good sport at trying things like agave and stevia leaves, it gives me zeal for being good myself. Now, i haven't been perfect - but I have been better than ever before since he joined me. Then one of my close friends needed to go on a no sugar diet - as well as no wheat which I am supposed to be doing as well. Because in her case this diet modification could save her life I have the strongest motivation to be strong on my no sugar and wheat "diet". I know that she needs someone to be in this with her and it helps me to have her in this with me. We can encourage each other and share recipies for healthy food.

I bring this up because in chronic pain situations or any kind of illness there are usually diet modifications or food allergies or restrictions that can greatly help. It can be hard when you don't feel like cooking to go for the healthy things, but it is so important! Not that a little grace isn't required - but to choose wisely and treat our bodies like the gift from God that they are.

Find good motivation and accountability and you too can win the battle of the Jelly Bean.

A Tiny Seed

2011-03-22T17:12:00.000-07:00

Today I spent some time planting seeds inside for our veggie and flower garden and also planting earlier seeds and plants outside. I LOVE gardening - it is so peaceful and a great place to talk with God so close to creation.

It's funny how tiny some seeds are. I was planting sweet alyssum and the seeds were almost microscopic. I used to plant most of the seeds in our greenhouses at the farm when we worked there - and the snapdragon seeds were by far the tiniest seeds I had ever seen. It was virtually impossible to get a single seed in a cell of the seeding tray. It always amazes me that such tiny seed holds everything needed for the life of that plant. Under the proper circumstances that seed will spring to life and produce a beautiful flower or yummy veggie or fruit.

Life is like that. Sometimes we might feel that what we have to offer is so small and insignificant. But with the sunshine and watering of God through His Word and prayer and circumstances our life can burst into bloom for His glory. What seemed like a piece of dust can bring joy and beauty to the world around us.

When faced with chronic pain and illness it is easy to feel insignificant or useless. I often wish I could do so much more to serve the world around me and to be a difference. We all need to focus more on God and allow the warmth of His sunshine and watering of the Word bring life into what we sometimes feel is dead and useless.

You Never Know

2011-03-17T11:12:00.000-07:00

Yesterday I found out that a close friend may have cancer. I was shocked and still am to hear this news and I want to be the best friend I can to her during this time, but I don't often know how to do that.

My heart is hurting for my friend today. I know she is scarred. I know she doesn't want to think or talk about this diagnosis right now. I know she wakes up with that sinking feeling that her life is going to change - even if this diagnosis ends up to be false.

She said something to me yesterday that stood out to me - she was responding to what she was doing to get through and she said that she was: "Breathing deep." I think this is an important lesson for any of you that are faced with hard diagnosis - or with a hard un-diagnosed condition. It is an important lesson for all of us as we go day to day and sometimes the pressures and stresses of life can knock you off your feet. The ups and downs of seeing doctors and finding things out or not finding anything out ... the sickness or pain that comes when you least expect it ... the pain of situations with people that are hurtful .. the suffering of financial stress ... all of these can make it hard to breath sometimes. There is often nothing we can do about our health or the situatuation we are facing in life. When those moments come we need to remember to do as my friend is doing and just breath deep. God has us in His hand and He knows what is best. We can cry out to Him at any time - and we can be honest with Him always. He hears our every prayer always.

So whatever you may be facing in your health or your life remember to just keep breathing deep and while you are breathing breath a prayer of honesty to the God who hears.

A Servant's Heart

2011-03-14T11:59:00.000-07:00

I don't know how to react to all the things going on in our world. I have found myself not wanting to watch the news and see pictures of Japan. I have been upset with myself for not wanting to see it - but I just don't know how I would handle it. When I did last night finally watch some footage of the Tsunami I was shocked. I felt like I was watching the flood in Genesis except that there were boats and cars begin dragged along in the rising waters.

A friend of mine said how sad it is that there is so much coverage on a story like this, when there is little to no coverage on the thousands of children who die every single day from things like starvation. I would have to agree. While my heart is aching for those who have died in Japan - especially the children ... my heart aches for those who die of starvation and disease in many countries around the world but no one pays attantion. I should rephrase that: not many pay attention.

I was an un-official youth leader at my previous church for years. I hated when that ended and miss that group of youth very much. We participated in the 30 hour Famine through World Vision (raising money and awareness for children dying of hunger around the world) for years and then we created our own program called the FAST to raise money for the feeding program in Zambia our church has helped personally by sending a team to Zamba and being involved with ministering to churches there in a sister church program. Our church wasn't huge 250-300 at it's peak. And our youth group was small - about 15-20 youth. But one year we raised $10,000 to be sent to World Vision. The dedication of these youth was beautiful. One year one of our young men, David came to my house ... I think it was just me and Joshua (who was then a co-youth leader and my boyfriend) and David and Grace (another kid from our group) came along as well .. I am not sure if anyone else showed up but most of the day it was just David and Grace with Josh and I. We went door to door in my nighborhood asking for support to feed these children who are dying without food. We got some very cruel remarks but many very generous people giving anything they could. Part of the way through the long day of fundraising I found out that it was David's birthday that day! He hadn't made a big deal about it, and I was so humbled to see this kid running from door to door asking for help for children he had never met - when he could have been hanging out with friends on his birthday. David is a young man with a heart for serving God and his fellow man and I know that God has great things in store for his life as He continues to use David to minister to a hurting world.

I think it is so important to realize that every 7 seconds a child dies from hunger or hunger related conditions. Not to minimize the emense suffering in Japan right now - but to remind us all that there are large scale suffering all over the world and we need to pray and give and go as God leads us.

We ALL have suffering in our individual lives - we all have pain. I think one of the best ways to fight against complaining is to educate ourselves about others who are in truely tragic situaions. Not so that we can compair and say how much better off we are - but so that we can take our focus off ourselves and do something to help others. Even someone who is bedridden can help by prayer and sometimes giving. No one who believes in Jesus escapes the responsibility of touching the world with God's love in some way.

How will you reach out in generosity and love today?

Generosity

2011-03-10T15:58:00.000-08:00

I have a confession to make: we didn't go to church on Sunday. We had spent all day Saturday driving to and from Yakima delivering wedding flowers I had made for a bride whose "wedding coordinator" turned out to be .. well, missing in action. This bride called me crying on Friday night asking me if we could bring the flowers because the wedding coordinator wasn't going to be coming - thankfully I had vases and extra stuff because there were no decorations since the coordinator was missing. We got home at midnight and were exhausted. When we woke up Sunday it was past time to get to church so we stayed home.

I found out that the topic of Sunday's sermon was on generosity (blogs.nsb.org) - the topic for this whole month apparently. It made me think about our weekend. I must also confess that in our delivery to Yakima I was kind of freaking out - because for one thing the "wedding coordinator" had ordered flowers that the bride and groom knew nothing about - so we were out a couple hundred dollars. Heading to Yakima meant that Joshua missed a day of work. The sweet bride offered to pay us for gas etc. but we still weren't getting any profit from this wedding. Since it was my first wedding of 2011 with my new home business, I was feeling defeated. I had been so excited to help provide income to help get my husband through school, and begin saving for adoption. But it was like God kept telling me that we just needed to do this and show His love to this young couple by providing more than they paid for and making their wedding beautiful - even though it meant we would have to tighten the belt so to speak even farther this month to make ends meet. Part of me didn't want to be generous - but a much bigger part of me knew that God wanted me to show His character by being generous. I knew that in going on this trip it would cause my body to suffer extra pain, but I could hear the pain in the bride's voice and alleviating even some of her pain became more important to me than keeping myself from extra pain.

My husband and I have been the recipients of so much generosity over the years - with help with paying medical bills for me, and just gifts that always seem to come at the exact perfect moment. At Christmastime we were feeling home sick for Whidbey Island and feeling alone in our new life and even in our new church (because we were used to being in a small church where everyone knew each other especially since we were in positions of leadership there). One day we found a huge package on our doorstep. We opened the box on our way to church one morning in early December to find two beautiful and cozy blankets (one of which I am laying under as I type) - an Albertson's gift card and some coffee. A note with no name and an address we didn't recognize. We knew that it was someone in our new home church. We instantly felt accepted in a way that we hadn't felt yet (since we have felt it more and more as we make friends in our married class). We felt loved and we felt that even though our new life held challenges - we would make it though. Just a couple weeks ago after some more challenges we were feeling discouraged. I got the mail and opened yet another doctor bill - then I opened an envelope which had no return address but was full of gift cards - $400 worth of gift cards to be exact! Again, at a time when we were feeling so discouraged, God used someone to be generous to us and remind us of His love and provision.

We are still a long way off from what we want to be when it comes to being generous. But, we pray that as every day passes we become more and more like God in showing love through giving. Giving our time, our resources, and our love.

I wanna be like this!

2011-03-08T15:58:00.000-08:00

I was doing laundry today in my Grammie's laundry room when I saw this pink slip of paper stuck to the wall .. so I read it. I just had to share it with you.

"Attitude

She is a 92 years old, petite, well poised, and proud. She is fully dressed each morning at eight o'clock, with her hair fashionably coifed, and her makeup perfectly applied, in spite of the fact that she is legally blind.

Today she has moved to a nursing home. Her husband of 70 years recently passed away, making this move necessary.

After many hours of waiting patiently in the lobby of the nursing home, where I am employed, she smiled sweetly when told her room was ready. As she maneuvered her walker to the levator, I provided a visual desciption of her tiny room, including the eyelet curtains that had been hung on her window.

"I love it," she stated with the enthusiasm of an eight - year-old having just been presented with a new puppy.

"Mrs. Jones, you haven't seen the room ... just wait," I said. Then she spoke these words that I will never forget.

"That does not have anything to do with it," she gently replied. " Happiness is something you decide on ahead of time. Whether I like my room or not does not depend on how the furniture is arranged. It is how I arrange my mind. I have already decided to love it. It is a decision I make every morning when I wake up. I have a choice. I can spend the day in bed recounting the difficlty I have with the parts of my body that no longer work, or I can get out of bed and be thankful for the ones that do work. Each day is a gift, and as long as my eyes open, I will focus on the new day and all of the happy memories I have stored away ... just for this time in my life. Age is like a bank account. You withdraw from what you have already put in." ~ Author Unknown

What is your attitude today?

bad bad procrastinator!

2011-03-07T22:57:00.000-08:00

I overdid it today big time. It's been a very weird two weeks with a sudden road trip on Saturday, and lots of family time with family visiting. We have been trying to fit as much as possible into this two week space as we had family visiting etc and with Joshua being off school this coming week so we had a full weekend to work on the yard etc. Today was our last big day to get things done before Joshua's spring break was over. We wanted the yard and house to be in tip top shape after this break. I had this big plan to get the large deck cleaned because it's pretty mossy. So we got some "no scrub" deck cleaner --- which ended up with both myself and my husband on our hands and knees in the soapy mossy yuck scrubbing as hard as we could to get the moss off the deck. I also cleaned the house and did laundry and organized a few outdoor areas while my amazing husband make a BIG garden for us to grow veggies this year. It was a very full day. I am glad that we got so much done!

But, as I sit here struggling to breath and just in a lot of pain, I am reminded that I HAD almost 2 weeks to get most of these things done. I don't know where the time went (but I seem to remember making a LOT of caramal corn and playing "wedding" dress up with my little neices and also rocking many babies to sleep)! But I certianly procrastinated on the cleaning I had wanted to do. With being in pain all the time and with some times being worse than others, an important thing to remember is to NOT procrastinate! Doing too much can be pretty bad for me, and I am reminded of that tonight. I think sometimes I get tired of people thinking that I am OCD or something just because I am always trying to keep things clean and organized (which is definately NOT easy in a basement!), but I think one thing that people may not understand is that if I let it get out of control I have to do a lot more work and that is much harder on my body than keeping things clean in the first place! I'm slightly frustrated with myself tonight - because I knew all along that these things needed to be done - but I have another busy day ahead tomorrow finishing cleaning and yard work.

The happy part of this story is that as we were scrubbing with all our might on that deck and I had muddy moss water dripping down my legs into my shoes - Joshua looked over at me and said: "I LOVE working with you. And I agree. It's just better for me to do it in small doses. :)

Relax

2011-02-28T11:50:00.000-08:00

I am loving getting to know my smallest neice since my sister and her three girlies are visiting. In my family of 7 kids she is the only one blessed with girls - everyone else has boys! So, it is fun to play with the girls - dress up and make believe. Her youngest is only 10 months old and a doll baby for sure. When I picked her up for the first time this visit (I had met her last summer) I was surprized at how relaxed she was - she just threw her legs to the side and her arms way back and leaned against my chest. She is the most relaxed baby I have ever met! I love holding her because she just is a cuddle bug and so much fun to give kisses and hugs to! She is a picture to me of how we should be with Jesus - totally trusting and relaxed in His safe and strong arms. This little girl doesn't know the bad things in life yet (and I pray that God protects her from so much) - but I pray that even with whatever suffering will come her way (we all will face some sort of sadness or pain in life) that she will always be able to rest and relax in the arms of the Lord.

And I pray that all of us will learn to relax like this sweet baby girl in the powerful and gentle arms of God.

complaining or rejoicing?

2011-02-26T12:13:00.000-08:00

Philippians 4:4 Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice!
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
Psalm 33:1 Sing joyfully to the LORD, you righteous; it is fitting for the upright to praise him.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------Habakkuk 3:18 yet I will rejoice in the LORD, I will be joyful in God my Savior.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------Corinthians 6:10 sorrowful, yet always rejoicing; poor, yet making many rich; having nothing, and yet possessing everything.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------Philippians 3:1 Finally, my brothers, rejoice in the Lord! It is no trouble for me to write the same things to you again, and it is a safeguard for you.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------1 Thessalonians 5:16 Be joyful always;

It is easy to complain. We all do it from time to time - we want sympathy and so we say things to make others see what a hard place we are in with our lives - physically, emotionally, socially, financially etc. he facebook phenomenon makes me very aware of how easy it is to complain. Sometimes I go online to see what my friends and family are up to - and I come away just shocked and saddened at the lack of rejoicing I see from status updates. I fall prey to this too.

Today, I was struggling with the sudden change of plans my husband and I faced for our weekend. We planned to head over today to my parents and spend the night (relatives are in town so we want to spend as much time with them as possible!) BUT - Joshua has too much homework and I am not in good enough shape to walk across the ferry which is what I would have to do if he didn't come. We decided with the help of my sweet mama to wait and head over in the morning tomorrow - so that he has a day for homework and I have a day to sleep and law low. I was so excited about spending the night away and getting to hang out with my sweet little neices and sister tonight - maybe watch a movie and eat pop corn. But it didn't work out. I was temped to be angry about these circumstances and feel horrible because I hate that my health is so unsteady that I don't know when I will feel good enough to do something or not. But God reminded me today that He is still God. He is still with me. And He has plans that are beyond anything I can plan.

I know that some of you are reading this and are mad at me because this story is relatively nothing compaired to the reasons you have today to complain. I know that some of you are facing horrible circumstances in your life today. But I also know what the Bible says: that we are commanded (not a light suggestion) to rejoice always. The reason we can rejoice always is because we rejoice IN THE LORD. We can look at a painful circumstance and even though our flesh is sad we can choose to rejoice because of the Lord and that we know He will work all things for His glory and our greatest good. Even a horrible circumstance can be used for our good and God's glory if we are willing. This goes against so much of what is popular these days. Complaining is popular in a way, as people are encouraged to just say how they feel no matter what. The change from complaining to rejoicing needs to come first in the heart and the relationship of trust in God and then it will begin to see seen by those around us.

I really don't think that to rejoice in the Lord always means that we should be dishonest about what is going on in our lives. I think honesty is needed. But I do think that it means we need to choose the atitude we have in responce to the hard circumstances around us. There can be honesty with rejoicing rather than complaining. Stating a fact about what is going on with your life is one thing, seeing sympathy and pity is quite another.

This is a lesson I am learning right along with all of you! May we all dig deeper in our walk with God so that we can choose joy in every circumstance.