Whole

It's Mother's Day - the second that I've been a mama. In church this morning we started singing:

"Broken Vessels (Amazing Grace)" by Hillsong

All these pieces
Broken and scattered
In mercy gathered
Mended and whole
Empty handed
But not forsaken
I've been set free
I've been set free

Amazing grace
How sweet the sound
That saved a wretch like me
I once was lost
But now I'm found
Was blind but now I see

Oh I can see you now
Oh I can see the love in Your eyes
Laying yourself down
Raising up the broken to life

You take our failure
You take our weakness
You set Your treasure
In jars of clay
So take this heart, Lord
I'll be Your vessel
The world to see
Your love in me

Amazing grace
How sweet the sound
That saved a wretch like me
I once was lost
But now I'm found
Was blind but now I see

Oh I can see you now
Oh I can see the love in Your eyes
Laying yourself down
Raising up the broken to life

Amazing grace
How sweet the sound
That saved a wretch like me
I once was lost
But now I'm found
Was blind but now I see
[2x]

Oh I can see you now
Oh I can see the love in Your eyes
Laying yourself down
Raising up the broken to life

Amazing grace
How sweet the sound
That saved a wretch like me
I once was lost
But now I'm found
Was blind but now I see
[2x]

Oh I can see you now
Oh I can see the love in Your eyes
Laying yourself down
Raising up the broken to life
[3x]

Before we had sung the first full verse I was in tears. As I sat there feeding my baby his bottle, watching his eyes see the people around us singing, his chubby hands grabbing the bottle, his tiny curls resting peacefully against my chest - and IT hit me: It's Mother's Day, and that part of me that longed to be a mama all those broken years, that part of me is not broken anymore. The part of me that felt I would never be who I was made to be IS who I was made to be. Not all women feel like being a mother in who they were created to be, but I did. There were ways that God made me a mother before I ever met Genesis. In the high school girls I led in Bible study for so many years, in my best friends girls who called me "MamaLicia",  in the students who called me "Mama Wenzek", even in my role as live in caregiver - I felt that maternal part of me come alive in each of these situations and I am so grateful. But I was still very broken. Some brokenness never heals this side of eternity I believe, because we live in a messed up broken world. BUT Jesus is the Redeemer Who brings beauty from ashes and binds up the brokenhearted and sets the captive free. His grace is truly amazing. 

I couldn't see Him clearly in those times of pain. When I realized my dream of carrying a baby would never come true I couldn't see the love in His eyes. I couldn't see that His grace could carry me through. I felt the broken pieces and edges of my life and dreams and I couldn't fully see how He could redeem this. Over the years, I kept coming to Him, offering Him my broken pieces and even when parts of my heart healed I never imagined I could feel this whole while on earth. I knew that He was with me and that His love was enough and that someday in heaven I would feel whole. 

This morning looking down at my sweet baby clapping his hands to the music, I realized that I feel whole in a way I never thought possible on earth. I felt content. I know I should feel content in Him no matter what, but I still longed to be a mama. He took the imperfections and brokenness of my life and brought something I couldn't have planned out even if I tried. In my grief and loss all those years ago He knew that there would be this little baby boy with perfect skin, soft curls, and big brown eyes with just a hint of lavender. He knew that he, because of the messiness and brokenness of the world, would need a mama. He knew that our paperwork would land in just the right moment for his emergency placement for adoption. He knew that Genesis' birth mother would ask for a couple with no children in the home yet, He knew that we would have just lost baby Judah and have a nursery ready for a baby boy. He knew all of this and more. And He looked with love in His eyes and He probably wished He could just tell that grieving 26 year old that her dreams wouldn't come true the way she planned, but that they would be even better.  He probably wanted to tell me that even though whole was the last thing I felt in those horrible months and years that I would someday sit in a Mother's Day service and feel like Someone had taken the pieces that were scattered and broken and glued them all together with superglue - not forgotten scars, but healed and whole in His beautiful redemption. 

I'm whole. Not because I now have a child, but God has used this child to show me His redemption and His beautiful grace. Someday I'll be even more whole when I see my Redeemer face to face, but until then I'll rejoice in the moments of wholeness I feel because of His redemption here on earth.

I'm living the life I feel like I was made to live and that is only by His grace.

Remembering Judah

A year ago we found out that the baby we called Judah, was not going to come home to us.  I remember so clearly getting off the phone and feeling like I couldn't breath.  I remember quietly closing the nursery door.  I remember breathing prayer after prayer for him and his birth mom (who he wasn't with but we're praying he's back with her now).  I remember wondering who was holding him and willing him to feel as loved as he was.  I remember the moment I stopped pumping milk for him, and telling my Farmer Boy that I was done as tears ran down my face.  I remember feeling like such a fool for having loved him before we met him.  I remember the shocked emails from the social workers and their apologetic: "We didn't see this coming".  I remember returning to work a week later and a sweet co-worker giving me a white lily with tears in her eyes.  I remember students notes of love.  I remember a few comments that hurt about how we shouldn't have let ourselves hope so big, even when we were chosen for him.  I remember thinking how at least he was very prayed for by us in those weeks leading up to his birth, and how I was glad that I had allowed myself to love him because I knew it meant I would be praying for him for the rest of my life. I remember how waiting for him to be born I felt more like a mother than ever before in my life. I remember how I looked at the ultrasound picture one more time before deleting the files.  I remember waves of excitement being replaced with waves of grief.  I remember wondering how big he was, what he looked like, what kind of baby he was.

I still wonder.  Did he have a wonderful first birthday?  Is he walking and saying a few words?  Does he have a lot of hair?  How big is he?  What does he love to eat?  I'll probably always wonder things about him.  And that's ok.

The announcement we sent to family when we found out we were chosen and he was a boy!

I remember you today Judah.  And I'm still praying for you sweet baby boy.

Please join me in praying that he is able to be with his birth mom and that they are in a safe place now.

Cuddles and diapers and cars and crackers and applesauce ...

I just realized that I haven't written in ... almost 7 months!?!?  What?  So, life with a baby has been a grand adventure and a lot of work, but honestly waaaay more fun than I could have imagined!  (seriously, I love it more than I knew I could love doing anything ever!).  I thought to ease back into blogging I would share a little of what we've been up to these last 7 months!

One of the biggest parts of our life has been MOVING - we moved not only to a different state, but across the ocean!  With a 6 month old!  We spent 2 months staying with family and then moved into our new house (renting from Joshua's wonderful Grandpa!) we love our huge backyard garden/farm where we now have chickens and 2 kittens!  Decorating a woodland nursery for Genesis has been a huge highlight for me.  I often go into the nursery just to relax and enjoy the fact that I have a nursery in my house!!!  Genesis loves to play and look at books in there too - not so much sleeping goes on there but that's ok. ;)  We're super excited to be closer to family and we loved spending time with cousins, grandparents, aunts and uncles this summer!

Genesis is growing into such a fun and interactive baby!  We love him more every moment and are amazed by him constantly.  He crawls everywhere really fast, and he loves to sing and dance.  His favorite toys right now are car type toys (a wooden bunny with wheels his great grandma made) and balls.  He LOVES trees which he has loved all his life really!  He loves the kittens and going outside with his Papa and digging in the dirt (and eating it!).  His first word was either "Papa" or "kitty", and he says "mama" but only when he is crying or pooping (which he often does IN THE POTTY!)  We're still nursing which is such a gift and I love having this bond with him!  I wish I could have nursed without a nursing bottle, but I am so grateful that I have any of my own milk to give him! (maybe I'll write a post just about adoptive breastfeeding at some point because seriously it's crazy!).
I may go back to work soon, and I am treasuring every moment (and every blessed afternoon nap which I religiously take with him every day - lucky me!!!) with him just at home together.  It's bliss.  Except for the screaming, and peeing and stinky cloth diapers ... that's not so much bliss but everything else is, oh except the not sleeping well at night part - that is the hardest on me I think ... but everything else is bliss.  I am in love with being a stay at home mom and I will treasure this time we have had forever!

Well, I don't think I am expressing well what an incredible child he is ... so here are some pictures to let you see a bit into our everyday.  :)

Sleeping sweet baby at 3- 4 months

Tummy time with mama

Nursing 4 months

Goodbye Hawaii - 6 months!

Mama's teacher's aide in the high school 6 months!

Add caption

Pumpkin and Papa

Can you find the baby?  In our fall garden 

He loves books!

Well - there's a look at what we've been up to these past 7 months!  Not sure if it will be that long before I update again - but if it is you'll know it's because I have the cutest little buddy to hang out with these days!  We feel very grateful!