Happy while crying?

Today it rained. And as I watched the raindrops hit the windshield I began to cry. Another new specialist that we had hoped might find some answer for what is going on in my body to cause this pain and sickness had shrugged us off - having no clue as to what she can do to help give us an answer. As the silent tears ran down my cheek I felt utter hopelessness in doctors, I felt such deep grief over having to endure test after test, new doctor after new doctor, surgery after surgery. Such agony of not being the energetic and healthy wife that I want to be for my sweet man. The grief was so thick I could taste it.

BUT (how I love that word, in the midst of that utter grief, I was surprised to feel incredible peace and - yes happiness! I can't describe it. It felt as if the pain that I was feeling was just the surface and underneath there was this joy that cannot be quenched. A hope in the One Who never fails, Who knows all about me, Who knows my future and offers me so much to look forward to! God is my smile - even in the tears this life brings.

Defined by what?

Today has been very exciting as some of our very best friends are welcoming their second child into the world. We are babysitting the big sister and waiting for news of the arrival of this little guy. Today as we were grocery shopping with this little 2 year old girl, my husband mentioned "what if she was ours", "what if this was our life"? We have many friends and family members whose life seems "perfect" to us - they have health and children, and homes to live in which are more or less theirs. Our life looks much different as I am laying on the couch more than not, we can't have biological children, and we live in a room at someone else's house while we are house-sitting. Some of these things have a tendency to bring grief - and that is ok. We do feel moments of greif as we long for parts of life that we can't have ... BUT we have chosen to not allow that grief to define us. We LOVE life and we love each other - and we love being involved in the lives of our friends and family. To deny grief would be a lie - but to be defined by it would be a shame.

I want to be defined by my relationship with Jesus - and the great joy and peace that He gives .. no matter what!

Grief

It would be foolish to say that chronic pain and illness didn't affect your emotions. There is very real grief involved in being sick all the time. This month I am going to explore the feelings that come naturally with the losses that illness brings. I want to be honest about this grief - and find a way to see how God can even make something as hard as grief and pain into something new. I know that there can be a kind of happiness or joy even in the moments of grief.

I must admit I am a little scarred of this part of this adventure ... I don't really like to allow myself to feel the grief very much, but I know that I will find God to be faithful and to teach me things as I dig into this aspect of chronic pain.

Onward in the journey of finding the mysterious happiness in pain!