Still Thankful

It's Thanksgiving day.  There is a turkey in the oven and pumpkin pie all ready.  And all I can think of is a tiny baby bib that says: "My First Thanksgiving".  My Farmer Boy picked out the bib on the night we found out that we were chosen to adopt a newborn baby boy.  He said that we had to get something for Thanksgiving since the baby would be born by then.  He was so excited picking out a little outfit with forest animals and the bib.  Now both the outfit and the bib are sitting in the guest room (AKA nursery), because I can't bring myself to pack them away.

While waiting for the call saying we should get on a plane and fly to meet our baby boy, we got a call telling us that this baby was not coming home to us.  When I got off the phone I felt like someone had knocked the wind out of my lungs.  We lost our baby.

People keep saying that there will be another baby at "the right time".  I know these are well-meaning loving statements, but I want to scream that we don't want another baby right now.  We are grieving the loss of THIS baby.  The name we had chosen means "praise, and God is gracious".   Even as we feel the giant emptiness this little life has left in our hearts, we believe God is still gracious and worthy of our praise.

I have a friend who suffered the loss of a stillborn baby, and her description of what grief she endured feels familiar.  Because, even though this baby didn't die; we feel the emptiness of a baby who was due to be ours this last week.  We were prepared.  I have a freezer full of milk.  I have been pumping to help stimulate lactation so that I could nurse my baby.  In 10 years I have not felt so much like a woman as I did these last few weeks.  My husband was surprised that I was talking to sisters and friends on the phone as much as I was, and the reason was that I felt like I was part of the mommy club, and it felt really good.  I made curtains for the nursery.  We bought diapers, bottles, wipes, onsies, tiny baby socks.  My husband picked up a carseat and learned how to put it into our car properly. We packed our bags to head to the hospital (out of state) as soon as birth mom went into labor ... I can't bring myself to unpack.

I have never felt this broken.

I know we'll make it through,  and no matter what I still have so much to be thankful for because God is always good and very present.

To Our Almost Babies ...

It was five years ago, right after we were married that the first call came: and our first adoption loss.  Since then, we have had international, local, infants, older kids ... each unique and exciting for a moment when we wondered or even believed were going to be joining our family.  Even as we believe these children are where they should be, part of our heart will love each of them always,  Here is what I will likely never get the chance to say to our Almost Babies ....

Sweet Precious Baby,

Oh how grateful I am that I have known of you.  Even though we may never meet, I am overwhelmed with prayers for you.  I pray that every day you will know you are loved and valued so incredibly.  I pray you will always feel your purpose in this life, and live every moment to the fullest. May you forever live in the knowledge and be strengthened knowing that you are a beautiful person, made by the most loving Creator. I want you to never feel pain, but I know that you will in this world.  So, I pray that when you fall down, you will have a hand to help you up.  I pray that when you cry you will have a shoulder.  I pray that when you are sick, you will have someone to hold you and take good care of you, and make you feel better.  I pray that for every hurtful word you hear, you will hear a million uplifting words.  I pray you will believe the amazing truth about you, and will not believe any lies about you.  I pray that when you are confused or frustrated you have a compassionate listening ear.  I pray you will have friends who will stand with you.  I pray that you will know real and lasting love in your life.  I pray that you will make this world a better place every day. I pray that you will know the One who made you, and live your life rejoicing that no matter what, He loves you and is with you always. Oh sweet baby, you were never mine, but I am just the most blessed to have held you in my heart for a little time. What a privilege to pray for you. For all that I selfishly wanted to give you, I know that the best gift is just the prayers - because who couldn't use more of those?  Oh baby, I only ever wanted what is best for YOU.  And I believe you are where you should be, with the ones you should be with.  So, I am just sending my love and thoughts across the void of the world to you.  I'm choosing to leave you where I put you the moment I knew of you: in the most powerful, loving Hands that I have ever known.  Be blessed sweet baby.

                                                                                     love,

                                                                                                 me

The white bunny, and facing fear of loss

There is a white bunny in our yard.  She's been there for about a week, every day we see her munching on grass at the edge of the jungle.  But, I am avoiding her.  Because I don't want to make her run away.

She was here for a couple weeks about a year ago as well, and that time I would talk with her and spend time trying to get her to eat from my hand.  One day I took some kale from our garden and held it out and she came up to me and ate it right out of my hand!  I was so excited!!  But, the next day she was gone.  I looked and looked and called for her for days.  I felt like it was my fault that she left.

There is a song that says: 

"Staring at the bottom of your glass

Hoping one day you'll make a dream last

But dreams come slow, and they go so fast

You see her when you close your eyes

Maybe one day you'll understand why

Everything you touch surely dies

But you only need the light when it's burning low

Only miss the sun when it starts to snow

Only know you love her when you let her go

Only know you've been high when you're feeling low

Only hate the road when you're missing home

Only know you love her when you let her go

Staring at the ceiling in the dark

Same old empty feeling in your heart

'Cause love comes slow, and it goes so fast

Well you see her when you fall asleep

But never to touch and never to keep

Cause you loved her too much, and you dived too deep

(Lyrics by Passenger)

The line that says: "Everything you touch surely dies" went through my mind when the bunny ran away.  And, this time I just have been enjoying seeing our little fluffy friend from afar. I don't want to get too close and make her leave again.

I feel the same way about adoption.  Over the past 5 years we have had several adoption possibilities/opportunities presented to us.  And every time, we have ended up loosing a baby we dreamed of, a baby we hoped would stay in our heart forever.  It sometimes feels like if we pursue a specific adoption, we doom it to fall apart. Will we ever be parents?  It hurts so bad when it doesn't happen, and even though we believe the children we have loved are where they should be, we miss the dream of them being in our life.  How can you keep hoping and dreaming when it keeps falling apart?  It sometimes makes me want to stop trying so that I can protect my heart from feeling so empty when a dream leaves.

But, you know what?  If I had given up the first 7 times I tried to walk, I would be crawling around still.  If I had stopped being with people because I was so petrifyingly shy I would never have had any of the friendships of my life.  If I had stopped driving when I was learned and people were honking behind me for going so slow - I wouldn't have enjoyed the thrill of driving with the windows down.  If I had been too afraid of relationships ending I would have never considered that out of my league handsome Farmer Boy so many years ago.  If I had given up when I was learning to drive the tractor I wouldn't have tilled the field. If I had been too concerned about trying a new career, I wouldn't have the joy of being a teacher at a wonderful school.

So, even though I'm scarred spit-less, I'm going to continue to say YES to the adoption situations that come our way. Yes, it will hurt like hell every time an adoption opportunity falls apart, every time we are not chosen, every time we have to make the hard choice to walk away ... but good things usually require hurt somewhere along the line, and it's so worth it.

I think I'll go ahead and try to feed our little bunny guest tomorrow.  Maybe she'll decide to stay this time.