Even the Darkness ...

Last night I couldn't sleep.  Might have been because my sweet Husband is off camping for his Northwest Ecology summer class, and we haven't been apart for this long in over 3 years (with not even the ability to call each other either!)  Might have been all the things on my mind.  Might have been because I felt like the world of chronic health issues is difficult to navigate, the various treatments for confirmed disgnosis, the various opinions on testing to see what ties it all together, the insurance issues, the cost of more testing ... Finally at about 3 am I opened up Psalms and read this:

Psalm 139


For the director of music. Of David. A psalm.

1 You have searched me, LORD,

and you know me.

2 You know when I sit and when I rise;

you perceive my thoughts from afar.

3 You discern my going out and my lying down;

you are familiar with all my ways.

4 Before a word is on my tongue

you, LORD, know it completely.

5 You hem me in behind and before,

and you lay your hand upon me.

6 Such knowledge is too wonderful for me,

too lofty for me to attain.



7 Where can I go from your Spirit?

Where can I flee from your presence?

8 If I go up to the heavens, you are there;

if I make my bed in the depths, you are there.

9 If I rise on the wings of the dawn,

if I settle on the far side of the sea,

10 even there your hand will guide me,

your right hand will hold me fast.

11 If I say, “Surely the darkness will hide me

and the light become night around me,”

12 even the darkness will not be dark to you;


the night will shine like the day,


for darkness is as light to you.



13 For you created my inmost being;

you knit me together in my mother’s womb.

14 I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;

your works are wonderful,

I know that full well.

15 My frame was not hidden from you

when I was made in the secret place,

when I was woven together in the depths of the earth.

16 Your eyes saw my unformed body;

all the days ordained for me were written in your book

before one of them came to be.

17 How precious to me are your thoughts,[a] God!

How vast is the sum of them!

18 Were I to count them,

they would outnumber the grains of sand—

when I awake, I am still with you.


The words in red especially stood out to me.  I feel sometimes that chronic illness and pain is a deep darkness.  People all have opinions and judgements about other people's pain, doctors are often confused when diagnosis eludes them.  Pain can be very isolating.  Pain sometimes feels like night time that never ends and you can't fall to sleep.  No one sees what it feels like, no one sees the frustration with tests after tests ... It feels like stumbling around in the darkness trying to find a treatment that works and it feels so alone.   BUT GOD SEES.  He isn't limited by darkness like we are.  What a comfort.

After I read this I laid down with the Bible next to me (where my husband usually sleeps) and fell fast asleep.  :)

Happy Summer!

Today is the first day of summer and I just wanted to say Happy Summer to you!  If you live in the Pacific Northwest like I do you are probably thrilled to see the sunshine today after a long winter of cold and rain.

It is important and healthy for us to ENJOY the world around us even when we might just feel like crawling into bed some days.  It is important for us to rejoice in the beauty God has given us in nature and in people around us, in music and literature and art.  It is not only healthy for us but it also makes us more fun to be around.  I don't know about you, but I get tired of being around people who are always complaining or never able to see the sunshine because of the clouds.  It is a discipline to look at the beauty in a world that holds pain, but it is possible only because of Jesus Christ. 

Here is a picture of me in my veggie garden taken last week:

Yes I'm in my PJs ;)  This garden is something that makes me smile.  I just love it!  I love the feeling that I planted these potatoes, peas and brocolli.  I love showing my husband what is coming up.  I love the feeling of cooking something I have grown from seed. 

What makes you smile?  I would love to hear about what things you are rejoicing in today!

Choices

I've visited a lot of hospitals in my day.  And though the years I have been learning a lot about the right way to deal with sometimes unbearable pain.  I think one thing that I have learned is to choose calmness over chaos.  When either yourself or someone you love is in physical pain in that moment you have the choice to make: will you allow the fears and emotions of pain take over, or will you choose to be calm and put your (or your loved one's) health and pain in God's hands.

I've seen lots of both sides of this example in my time sitting in hospital waiting rooms:  the hysterical teenage girl with very real pain - which is probably made worse by sobbing, the drug seeking person who needs to make their pain look very real to get what they want,  the calm and pale woman waiting patiently although in odvious pain ...  Now I am NOT in any way saying that if someone is hysterical they are faking it at all - but that as much as I can I want to avoid letting my emotions during pain get the better of me.  I have noticed that when you try as hard as you can to remain calm while seeking medical care it pays off.  Nurses have much more patience with you, and things go smoother, usually you end up being cared for faster and feel better sooner.  I'm also not saying that you should be fake and pretend you are not in pain - especially if you are seeking medical care.  You should be honest, but calm.

How can you choose calm rather than chaos?  Trust in God.  When you think that everything is spinning out of control you panic.  But when you see that God is with you and that He can even use your pain for His glory and your own good it brings calmness and joy.