Christmas through the end of February I felt like my heart was being broken beyond repair. For a couple months I had imagined a baby being ours, a baby I tried not to love but couldn't help it. And he wasn't even born yet.
It all started when my dear friend called me one day in the fall and she said: "Sis, don't get too excited about this, but there might be a baby who needs a family." Honestly, my first thought was pain for the birth mother and my heart went out to her knowing she was in a hard situation, and what true sacrificial love she was showing her unborn baby. I didn't even tell my sweet Farmer Boy because it was all quite unreal at that point. But I could not keep my heart from falling in love with this baby boy, imagining him being our son. (oddly I knew he was a boy before anyone had seen an ultrasound) All I could do was pray. I prayed for the birth family, for the baby, for the situation to work out to God's glory, for beauty to come from a hard situation. I prayed for redemption.
Then one day in late December my friend called me back and I was rushing to get out of the house for a trip to a family funeral and she said: "Ok sis, you need to sit down". Then she told me that the birth parents wanted to meet us. I felt like I was going to pass out and I told her that I would get back to her. Then I told my sweet Husband all about the situation as we drove to the funeral, and all weekend I kept thinking how exciting it would be to bring a baby into our lives and introduce him to our families.
We decided that we would make a choice the week of Christmas. I don't know how to explain the decision we came to except that God made it very clear that this wasn't our baby. Then I called my friend and told her that God gave us a clear NO, and she asked if I could help the birth mother find the right family for her baby. My heart screamed: "NO - I can't do this", but my voice said: "ok".
Totally overwhelmed I sat in church that evening and knew I needed help in finding this family, there had been a couple ideas of people I knew who wanted to adopt, but God didn't give me peace. So when the prayer cards were turned in I wrote that there was a baby who needed a family. Later, I found out that the exact same Sunday another prayer card was filled out by an amazing woman and it read: "Baby # 2 Where are you?"
Well, the rest of the story is that I ended up making a phone call to the woman who I felt like I was giving "my" baby to, and got her and the birth mother in touch. This was in January. A couple weeks later the due date (which we thought was in the early summer) ended up being discovered and it was in March. This due date meant that for us we wouldn't have gotten a brand new home study completed in time for the baby's birth. When I think back to this detail, I cannot help but thank God that He protected us - while we might have thought we could adopt in the summer, in March or February it would have been devastating and would have created a lot of stress for the birth mother and the baby. But my new friend has already adopted and was able to complete her home study renewal with about a week to spare before the baby came.
The night he was born I felt numb. But at the same time I was hungry for pictures of the new baby and seeing his new mama's face glowing with pure bliss made me feel like he was in the right arms. Yes, I felt empty, but I also felt such peace.
I met little Alexander (his adoptive parents named him not knowing that our middle name was going to be a form of Alexander), and he was beautiful. The first time I held him I was in the hospital and his mama brought me a blizzard. And as I held him in that hospital bed, I didn't cry - I actually felt extreme joy and peace. It shocked me. I looked at his little face and I knew that God allowed him into my life not to be my baby but to introduce him to his real mama. It was a moment that will stand still in my mind forever. He was a picture of redemption. God took my broken heart and filled it with joy. He took my longing for a baby to call my own, and replaced it with peace. He took women who had no idea each other existed and brought us all together around this little boy all loving him and wanting the best for his life.
Does this mean that my heart doesn't still hurt sometimes when I see this little guy? That when I hold him sometimes I have to stop myself from imagining what it would have been like if he was mine? No, I'm still human. But I am overjoyed that God did what was best and God used me to be part of his miraculous story. God used this baby to bring me some new and wonderful friends - I am overwhelmed at God's mercy and kindness in all of this, and my heart is truly filled with joy.