It's Thanksgiving day. There is a turkey in the oven and pumpkin pie all ready. And all I can think of is a tiny baby bib that says: "My First Thanksgiving". My Farmer Boy picked out the bib on the night we found out that we were chosen to adopt a newborn baby boy. He said that we had to get something for Thanksgiving since the baby would be born by then. He was so excited picking out a little outfit with forest animals and the bib. Now both the outfit and the bib are sitting in the guest room (AKA nursery), because I can't bring myself to pack them away.
While waiting for the call saying we should get on a plane and fly to meet our baby boy, we got a call telling us that this baby was not coming home to us. When I got off the phone I felt like someone had knocked the wind out of my lungs. We lost our baby.
People keep saying that there will be another baby at "the right time". I know these are well-meaning loving statements, but I want to scream that we don't want another baby right now. We are grieving the loss of THIS baby. The name we had chosen means "praise, and God is gracious". Even as we feel the giant emptiness this little life has left in our hearts, we believe God is still gracious and worthy of our praise.
I have a friend who suffered the loss of a stillborn baby, and her description of what grief she endured feels familiar. Because, even though this baby didn't die; we feel the emptiness of a baby who was due to be ours this last week. We were prepared. I have a freezer full of milk. I have been pumping to help stimulate lactation so that I could nurse my baby. In 10 years I have not felt so much like a woman as I did these last few weeks. My husband was surprised that I was talking to sisters and friends on the phone as much as I was, and the reason was that I felt like I was part of the mommy club, and it felt really good. I made curtains for the nursery. We bought diapers, bottles, wipes, onsies, tiny baby socks. My husband picked up a carseat and learned how to put it into our car properly. We packed our bags to head to the hospital (out of state) as soon as birth mom went into labor ... I can't bring myself to unpack.
I have never felt this broken.
I know we'll make it through, and no matter what I still have so much to be thankful for because God is always good and very present.