Thursday, November 27, 2014

Still Thankful

It's Thanksgiving day.  There is a turkey in the oven and pumpkin pie all ready.  And all I can think of is a tiny baby bib that says: "My First Thanksgiving".  My Farmer Boy picked out the bib on the night we found out that we were chosen to adopt a newborn baby boy.  He said that we had to get something for Thanksgiving since the baby would be born by then.  He was so excited picking out a little outfit with forest animals and the bib.  Now both the outfit and the bib are sitting in the guest room (AKA nursery), because I can't bring myself to pack them away.

While waiting for the call saying we should get on a plane and fly to meet our baby boy, we got a call telling us that this baby was not coming home to us.  When I got off the phone I felt like someone had knocked the wind out of my lungs.  We lost our baby.

People keep saying that there will be another baby at "the right time".  I know these are well-meaning loving statements, but I want to scream that we don't want another baby right now.  We are grieving the loss of THIS baby.  The name we had chosen means "praise, and God is gracious".   Even as we feel the giant emptiness this little life has left in our hearts, we believe God is still gracious and worthy of our praise.

I have a friend who suffered the loss of a stillborn baby, and her description of what grief she endured feels familiar.  Because, even though this baby didn't die; we feel the emptiness of a baby who was due to be ours this last week.  We were prepared.  I have a freezer full of milk.  I have been pumping to help stimulate lactation so that I could nurse my baby.  In 10 years I have not felt so much like a woman as I did these last few weeks.  My husband was surprised that I was talking to sisters and friends on the phone as much as I was, and the reason was that I felt like I was part of the mommy club, and it felt really good.  I made curtains for the nursery.  We bought diapers, bottles, wipes, onsies, tiny baby socks.  My husband picked up a carseat and learned how to put it into our car properly. We packed our bags to head to the hospital (out of state) as soon as birth mom went into labor ... I can't bring myself to unpack.

I have never felt this broken.

I know we'll make it through,  and no matter what I still have so much to be thankful for because God is always good and very present.


  1. You are such a wonderful woman Alicia! With everything you and your husband have gone through, you STILL manage to give thanks AND praise to God. What a fantastic testament you are to people who struggle in their walk with the Lord. You may not even be aware of how you make others stop and think about how they react to negative things that happen to them. You help give me hope and thanks that I know someone special like you.To be able to call you a friend is a privilege! I am sorry for all you are going through and will continue to hold you and your hubby in my thoughts! Please keep on trusting...even when it is the hardest thing for you to do!!!

  2. My heart breaks for you in your loss Alicia, praying for you.

  3. And you were not forgotten in all the pain. We prayed. We hoped your hearts would heal. We trusted God knew what he was doing.

    How mysterious are his paths for us. Blessings on you and your little family.