I'll remember that text for the rest of my life, because it was the moment I knew I was for sure going to be a mama.
It was only 3 weeks since we had lost the little baby boy we had decided to name Judah. Our hearts were broken beyond anything we had felt. Then one day at work I saw a call from our social worker and I called her back because it was my planning period. She said that she had a question about our home study and what ethnicity we were comfortable adopting. She said there was a birth mom and they were considering us as their top choice (it was an agency adoption) and as long as the birth mom signed the baby would be ours. My head started spinning - but I made it through the rest of the day teaching and casually mentioned it to my Farmer Boy after work. We both were very casual about it, and decided that we wouldn't say anything to anyone because we were convinced that it would fall apart again.
But, deep in my heart I began to dream and I started calling the Baby "Button" when I prayed for him (we didn't know he was a boy yet).
We heard about the possibility on a Wednesday. The baby was due on December 29, so we decided that we would wait through Christmas and see what would happen, especially since we were sure it wasn't going to materialize for us.
On Saturday morning the 13th, we were sleeping in (for the last time in our lives probably!) when Joshua's phone rang. He answered and told me with his eyes that it was our social worker. He put it on speaker phone and she said: "The baby has been born, it's a boy, he is 6 lbs 6 oz (off by an ounce) and he scored 9/9 on his apgar test ... and are you sure you want to adopt him because if not I need to find another adoptive family." I think I almost choaked on my words because I tried to say them so fast - "YES WE'RE IN!!!!" Then we sat in our bed and got a little teary and prayed for him, prayed that even if he wasn't our baby that he would be blessed and so loved in his life, we prayed for his birth mom and the whole situation. Then I started cleaning the house. That night Joshua was in the Christmas parade on a float playing and singing a Christmas song with students at our school, and I was chaperoning the high school winter ball. I kept thinking of this little baby boy, but I kept telling myself that it wasn't likely to happen.
When I got home that night there was a new stocking hanging above the fireplace in between our two stockings. :) My farmer boy was starting to dream too.
Monday was the longest day of my life. We knew that birth mom was supposed to sign adoption papers that day, but we didn't know when. We were at work, but not telling anyone except our bosses - so I was trying to teach while discretely cleaning up my room, getting all the finals printed and sub plans made, all checking my phone obsessively. But there was no word. By the end of the day I was feeling stressed with naking copies buttoning down my room and getting to a doctor appointment I had, all while feeling that for sure the birth mom had run away and it wasn't our baby after all. A couple co-workers noticed my stress and asked if they could help - so I told them what was going on and I almost started crying because I said that we were so afraid that we were loosing another baby, and I was (still am) grieving the loss of Judah. Then I rushed off to my appointment, and was texting the social worker who said that birth mom was in a meeting supposed to sign - and when I was walking out the door my cell beeped and it was the social worker with the text I will never forget. I literally was almost falling down the stairs and the security guard said: "don't fall down, are you ok?" Then I called Joshua and said: "You're a Papa". He was shocked and so so happy.
The date was December 15th. Exactly 10 years earlier I had woken from surgery to hear that I would never be able to carry a child. The date that always reminded me of what I had lost, from now on will remind me of the day I found out I was going to be a mama.
Redemption.
We rushed around getting tickets - we ended up on the last 2 seats on the 11;05 pm flight out of Kona Monday night. The last two seats on the last flight out that night. We had a 2-3 hour layover in Washington and my amazing Mama drove for 2 hours to give us a hug. We barely made it to the airport before we had to leave to catch our next flight. She pulled up the the drop-off zone and jumped out I ran to her and we grabbed onto each other and started sobbing. It felt like a crazy movie and people were looking at us and we were sobbing and hugging like we hadn't seen each other in years. She brought a blanket her mom had made. That hug was epic and I felt so so loved. Tuesday (one week ago today) we landed in the city where our baby was. When we touched down I felt so excited - we were near to our Baby. Thankfully Josh has family here and so we were so so blessed to be met at the airport and have had a wonderful place to stay with loving wonderful relatives.
We took a nap, took a shower and went to meet our Baby at the adoption agency office at 6:15 on the 16th. We walked in and I was disappointed to hear that we needed to sign papers and go through details and that the foster mom wouldn't be bringing him until around 7. I don't think I've ever signed my name so fast - I just wanted to have my son in my arms and to know that he was ours. Suddenly, around the corner came a lady carrying a fuzzy blanket with cars on it (he was so little I couldn't even see him in the blanket) - she was singing "We wish you a Merry Christmas!" and before I knew it the tiniest little baby wearing red and white striped jammies with a reindeer on them, was being placed in my arms. I just stared and stared. His jammies were so so big, and I noticed how long he was and how skinny. His little lips were perfect. He was sleeping. I kept saying: "my baby, hi my baby, my baby".
But, I didn't react like I thought I would - it didn't seem real. The foster mom said: "What's his name" and I couldn't say anything - it seemed like we couldn't be naming him! Joshua said in such a proud Papa voice: "Genesis Evan".He didn't almost seem real. We took pictures, I stared and stared at him. I was vaguely aware of the social worker and foster mom talking in the background but I couldn't pull my eyes off of him. I wanted to feel like he was mine, but I was in shock and I just kept thinking how tiny he was and how cute. Finally, they said we could leave, and we put him in the car seat and walked out to the car. I sat next to him in the back and fed him a bottle. Then we stopped at Walgreens to get something, and we called our families to tell them his name and how cute and relaxed he was. Our families were so so excited and shocked! In just 24 hours we went from finding out that we were going to have this baby as our own to having him in our arms.
We then went back to the home where we are staying and introduced him to our aunt and uncle. When we finally went into our room, I sat on the bed and started to feed him. Suddenly I started to cry. I kept picturing myself as a three year old pretending to nurse my dollies, and I couldn't believe that my dream from my childhood was coming true. I was a Mama. I was this perfect Baby's mama! It was overwhelming. It's funny that it took my heart about 4 hours after he was placed in my arms until I realized that I was his mama.
I'm a mama. My Farmer boy is a papa. Genesis Evan (meaning new beginning and God is gracious) is our son. Forever.
This passage I randomly read the morning of December 15, 2004 before I went into surgery - 10 years later I am that rejoicing woman I had wondered if would ever exist.
Isaiah 54:1-2
Sing, barren woman,
you who never bore a child;
burst into song, shout for joy,
you who were never in labor;
because more are the children of the desolate woman
than of her who has a husband,”
says the Lord.
Genesis sees his Mama for the first time
