I haven't blogged in a while - I have been very busy with my new job teaching at a Christian High school! But something has been on my mind and heart for a long time in regards to adoption stuff and I haven't been able to sort it out until just this week.
Someone said something yesterday about how a young couple is being so blessed as they are pregnant with their first baby - and basically that God is blessing them by allowing them to be part of creating an eternal being. Which is AWESOME - I mean, pregnancy is miraculous in every way and I will always be overwhelmed with worship of a God who can make a baby this way!
When I read the Old Testament in particular there are so many stories of infertility - and the people involved usually refer to themselves as being "cursed" with the inability to bear children. I'm guessing that most of us who can't have children feel "cursed". Now, I know that in Biblical times much more pressure was put on women to be able to produce children - and we live in a different culture today .. but there is still a very strong feeling of being cursed. The Bible also has many stories where God opened a woman's womb especially after her seeking Him, or some special grace given. Even though I don't really believe I am cursed - it feels like it. Because of all this, and because of the general feeling of shame involved in infertility, I have often wondered why God won't gave me a miracle and let me have children. I don't doubt His love, but I feel "less than" all the time. (which is ok - because in my "less than" He is my adequacy)
But this week I realized something. I consider the ability to bear children to be a great blessing, and I will probably always feel a bit cursed in my inability. But this week I started thinking about the blessing of having loving parents (a blessing I have been blessed with). There are children in this world that would give anything to have the blessing of parents who love them, the blessing of coming home to a safe place, to never be abused, to have a warm bed and lots of hugs, to have a daddy to tell them they are beautiful, to have a mama put band-aids on ouchies, to have unconditional love and acceptance and safety. My heart aches for children who don't have those blessings. And I suddenly knew and accepted that I'm ok with being "cursed" so that some of these kids can have the blessings they are longing for in this life.
We started filling out paperwork for our home study this week. It will be a long process - but we're trying to take steps in the right direction.