Grateful

I have had  a long history of being stubborn and trying to be independent, and to NOT need anything from anyone.  I have had almost as long of a history of being humbled, shown my weaknesses, and NEEDING others in my life.  It's been an uncomfortable journey, but I am learning how God never intended us to walk alone on this journey of life.  He created us for community, and to be there to help each other.  Somehow I feel like I have been on the receiving end way too much - but again it's humbling (which apparently I need).

We knew when we set out to adopt, or pretty soon after, that it would be a hard road, we had NO idea how incredibly hard.  I had heard adoption was expensive with all the fees and such, but I had no clue how expensive it was going to be for us.  Most people that I know who have adopted outside foster care, have had auctions, fundraisers etc. It's uncomfortable.  The apostle Paul talks about helping others in Galatians 6:2 "Bear one another's burden's and so fulfill the law of Christ."  The Bible also says that if one doesn't work he shouldn't eat - alluding to the fact that no one who is unwilling to work should be mooching off of those who ARE hardworking.  It's a balance that is often misunderstood and uncomfortable.

When I came home from surgery that December 10 years ago I was given the first gift toward our adoption fund by my sister.  She had knitted me a baby sweater (which is pink so I guess we need to adopt a girl next!) and the money was enclosed in the gift.  It was only 10 days after my major surgery, and I broke down crying when I saw her loving thoughtfulness and the hope she had for my someday babies, even before I could fully comprehend what I had lost in that operating room.  After that I started saving all my change in a jar marked "For the Babies".  

The gifts started slowly coming in as people heard that my dream was to adopt.  Some of the girls in my Bible study would save their coins too, one day we found $500 in my car after church ... When my Farmer Boy and I got married, we decided to ask for gifts toward our adoption account instead of registering for tons of household gifts.  

We have been overwhelmed time and time again by the generosity of our friends and family.  We had one friend offer to give us a huge amount which was a part of an inheritance.  We were floored.  There is NO way we could have adopted baby Genesis without her generosity, without every one of the dollars given to help us get here.  We had another person offer to give us a private loan for the lawyer and birth mom fees that were due the day we found out he was going to be ours.  Again, without that we would have had to walk away.  When we began getting closer last year I started 2 extra home jobs on top of both of us working 60+ hours a week teaching to try and earn the money needed to adopt.  We wanted so badly to be able to afford this adoption without any more help!

We took out 2 loans on top of all the money we were given, and still that wasn't enough.  Since we lots baby Judah after we had entered into an adoption agreement we lost a hefty lawyer's retainer and birth mom expenses (almost the entire first loan amount), we literally had no idea how we would be able to cover this adoption.  We thought about the potential of not being able to cover the adoption and considered saying no (shudder), but we just felt like he was placed in our radar for a reason, and we should step out in faith that all the details would fall into place.  

On his one month birthday we were flown via private jet to a bigger hospital because he was in respiratory distress from the RSV virus.  His insurance hadn't gone  through yet - but we prayed and filled out the insurance formed.  Thankfully his insurance went through, but the co-payments for 5 days in the hospital plus emergency services were enough to push us over the top with absolutely no way to even make payments on top of the loan payments.  Again, we were given gifts to help cover many of the fees and we are so grateful!

I guess I just wanted to take this opportunity to shout out to every person who has given from $5 to thousands!   It is uncomfortable and brings us to our knees in gratitude to accept the help for what we COULD NOT do on our own.  You have (and are) helping make our dream of having a family come true.  You are part of our miracle!!!  "Thank you" doesn't cut it, but it's what I will be saying until the day I die.  THANK YOU!!!  Every morning I wake up and see the smile of the most beautiful child on earth - because of YOUR faithful sharing and loving!  We are overwhelmed.  

Here are some pictures to let you see how you have helped changed our life!

Here is a link to see the beautiful giving record:  Adoption Fundraiser

Smiley Baby

Sweetest Little Baby,

Three months ago right now we were about to board a flight headed over the wide vast Pacific ocean to meet you.  We hadn't even known you were ours for 8 hours yet and we were about to have you placed into our arms.  What a three months this has been!  We have learned and grown so much in the last three months, and experienced a lifetime full of joys, sadness and awe.  We still feel like this is a wonderful dream and we still feel like we are the most luckiest of all people to be YOUR parents, Genesis Evan.  We love you more than we knew it was possible to love.  You are our son, and our lives will never be the same.  Here are some of the moments (joy filled and tear filled) we have been having over these three months:

(photo by Constance Starks)

* Seeing your cousin Evie hold you for the first time you were just a little over 2 weeks old - her 2 year old reaction was the reaction I think we all have had on the inside when we realize all that God has done in giving you to our family.  As soon as I placed you in her arms you she said: "CUUUTEEE!" and then let out the most joyful belly laugh!  She kept looking at you and then laughing and she was positively shaking with joy at the amazing miracle that you are.  You are so loved sweet boy - but all your grandparents, aunties, uncles, cousins, friends ... I often tell you that you are the most loved baby in all the world.

* Carrying you into our home.  Being home with our sweet baby at 3 weeks old - just the three of us.  Absolute bliss.  We just stared at you and cuddled you and I nursed you and your Papa took pictures of you and laughed as you tried to suck your thumb.  We became a family.

* Your first "cold". The first night we were home you started to seem sick - we all had a cold, but yours progressed into trouble breathing so about a week after coming home we took you to the ER where they got worried because you were so tiny and your cough was so bad and your oxygen level was too low. So they sent you and me on a medical jet (a jet so small they were afraid I might not be able to go with you - that was some of the worst fear of my life thinking they might take you away and I would have to follow on the different flight!) in the middle of the night on your first month birthday to a bigger hospital.  We were stuck an island away from the Papa and without family or close friends - but God sent some angels to us who brought me coffee, and clothes and brought you cuddles.  The morning after we were flown you were so weak and I leaned over the crib where you were tethered with tons of wires and tubes.  You let out a weak whimper and I said: "Baby, I know you feel horrible, but you are strong and you need to fight hard to keep breathing, you can make it through this. FIGHT hard baby, don't leave us."  The doctors kept saying how babies with what you had stop breathing and how dangerous it is - you had RSV.  We spent 5 days in the hospital.  Such a hard way to start our life together, but it bonded you and I even more I think.

* Hearing your Papa read to you, and hearing how you love to coo and "talk" to him.  You love interacting with your Papa.  You turn to Mama for comfort and going to sleep, but you enjoy your Papa for just handing out and being buddies together.  I love seeing his huge hands holding your tiny self.  You are protected so well by him Genesis.

* The day I went back to work, I always wanted to be a stay at home mama - and someday I will be, but for now we need me to be working.  So I went back after just 6 weeks with you.  The first day I dropped you off I felt like part of me was missing.  As I drove away from the babysitter's house I glanced in the baby mirror reflected in the rear-view mirror and my heart dropped when I didn't see your little face.  I hadn't left you for longer than a few minutes since the moment I laid eyes on you - and it felt so wrong to be without you.  It's been about 6 weeks working now and I still feel like a part of my body is missing when I'm away from you.  Hardest thing by far of being your mama up to now.

* The first time you reached up and touched my face - and left your little fingers on my chin.  I melted.

* The day when I came home from work and you smiled and got soooo excited to see me!  I felt like the most popular person in the world!

* Your laughing in your sleep - you've done it almost from day one, and you just started doing it when you're away over the past week.  It's THE BEST.

Thank you sweet boy, for making our lives so full.  We love you.

~ Your Mama

A New Beginning

I almost fell down the stairs when I read the following text message from our social worker: "New mommy and daddy come get me! (birth mom) signed!"

I'll remember that text for the rest of my life, because it was the moment I knew I was for sure going to be a mama.

It was only 3 weeks since we had lost the little baby boy we had decided to name Judah.  Our hearts were broken beyond anything we had felt.  Then one day at work I saw a call from our social worker and I called her back because it was my planning period.  She said that she had a question about our home study and what ethnicity we were comfortable adopting.  She said there was a birth mom and they were considering us as their top choice (it was an agency adoption) and as long as the birth mom signed the baby would be ours.  My head started spinning - but I made it through the rest of the day teaching and casually mentioned it to my Farmer Boy after work.  We both were very casual about it, and decided that we wouldn't say anything to anyone because we were convinced that it would fall apart again.

But, deep in my heart I began to dream and I started calling the Baby "Button" when I prayed for him (we didn't know he was a boy yet).

We heard about the possibility on a Wednesday.  The baby was due on December 29, so we decided that we would wait through Christmas and see what would happen, especially since we were sure it wasn't going to materialize for us.

On Saturday morning the 13th, we were sleeping in (for the last time in our lives probably!) when Joshua's phone rang.  He answered and told me with his eyes that it was our social worker.  He put it on speaker phone and she said: "The baby has been born, it's a boy, he is 6 lbs 6 oz (off by an ounce) and he scored 9/9 on his apgar test ...  and are you sure you want to adopt him because if not I need to find another adoptive family."  I think I almost choaked on my words because I tried to say them so fast - "YES WE'RE IN!!!!"  Then we sat in our bed and got a little teary and prayed for him, prayed that even if he wasn't our baby that he would be blessed and so loved in his life, we prayed for his birth mom and the whole situation.  Then I started cleaning the house.  That night Joshua was in the Christmas parade on a float playing and singing a Christmas song with students at our school, and I was chaperoning the high school winter ball.  I kept thinking of this little baby boy, but I kept telling myself that it wasn't likely to happen.

When I got home that night there was a new stocking hanging above the fireplace in between our two stockings.  :)  My farmer boy was starting to dream too.

Monday was the longest day of my life.  We knew that birth mom was supposed to sign adoption papers that day, but we didn't know when.  We were at work, but not telling anyone except our bosses - so I was trying to teach while discretely cleaning up my room, getting all the finals printed and sub plans made, all checking my phone obsessively.  But there was no word.  By the end of the day I was feeling stressed with naking copies buttoning down my room and getting to a doctor appointment I had, all while feeling that for sure the birth mom had run away and it wasn't our baby after all.  A couple co-workers noticed my stress and asked if they could help - so I told them what was going on and I almost started crying because I said that we were so afraid that we were loosing another baby, and I was (still am) grieving the loss of Judah.  Then I rushed off to my appointment, and was texting the social worker who said that birth mom was in a meeting supposed to sign - and when I was walking out the door my cell beeped and it was the social worker with the text I will never forget.  I literally was almost falling down the stairs and the security guard said: "don't fall down, are you ok?"  Then I called Joshua and said: "You're a Papa".  He was shocked and so so happy.  

The date was December 15th.  Exactly 10 years earlier I had woken from surgery to  hear that I would never be able to carry a child.  The date that always reminded me of what I had lost, from now on will remind me of the day I found out I was going to be a mama. 

Redemption.

We rushed around getting tickets - we ended up on the last 2 seats on the 11;05 pm flight out of Kona Monday night. The last two seats on the last flight out that night.  We had a 2-3 hour layover in Washington and my amazing Mama drove for 2 hours to give us a hug.  We barely made it to the airport before we had to leave to catch our next flight.  She pulled up the the drop-off zone and jumped out  I ran to her and we grabbed onto each other and started sobbing.  It felt like a crazy movie and people were looking at us and we were sobbing and hugging like we hadn't seen each other in years. She brought a blanket her mom had made.  That hug was epic and I felt so so loved. Tuesday (one week ago today) we landed in the city where our baby was.  When we touched down I felt so excited - we were near to our Baby. Thankfully Josh has family here and so we were so so blessed to be met at the airport and have had a wonderful place to stay with loving wonderful relatives.  

We took a nap, took a shower and went to meet our Baby at the adoption agency office at 6:15 on the 16th.  We walked in and I was disappointed to hear that we needed to sign papers and go through details and that the foster mom wouldn't be bringing him until around 7.  I don't think I've ever signed my name so fast - I just wanted to have my son in my arms and to know that he was ours.  Suddenly, around the corner came a lady carrying a fuzzy blanket with cars on it (he was so little I couldn't even see him in the blanket) - she was singing "We wish you a Merry Christmas!" and before I knew it the tiniest little baby wearing red and white striped jammies with a reindeer on them, was being placed in my arms.  I just stared and stared. His jammies were so so big, and I noticed how long he was and how skinny. His little lips were perfect. He was sleeping. I kept saying: "my baby, hi my baby, my baby". 

 But, I didn't react like I thought I would - it didn't seem real.  The foster mom said: "What's his name" and I couldn't say anything - it seemed like we couldn't be naming him!  Joshua said in such a proud Papa voice: "Genesis Evan".He didn't almost seem real.  We took pictures,  I stared and stared at him.  I was vaguely aware of the social worker and foster mom talking in the background but I couldn't pull my eyes off of him.  I wanted to feel like he was mine, but I was in shock and I just kept thinking how tiny he was and how cute. Finally, they said we could leave, and we put him in the car seat and walked out to the car.  I sat next to him in the back and fed him a bottle.  Then we stopped at Walgreens to get something, and we called our families to tell them his name and how cute and relaxed he was.  Our families were so so excited and shocked! In just 24 hours we went from finding out that we were going to have this baby as our own to having him in our arms. 

We then went back to the home where we are staying and introduced him to our aunt and uncle. When we finally went into our room, I sat on the bed and started to feed him.  Suddenly I started to cry.  I kept picturing myself as a three year old pretending to nurse my dollies, and I couldn't believe that my dream from my childhood was coming true.  I was a Mama.  I was this perfect Baby's mama! It was overwhelming. It's funny that it took my heart about 4 hours after he was placed in my arms until I realized that I was his mama.  

I'm a mama.  My Farmer boy is a papa.  Genesis Evan (meaning new beginning and God is gracious) is our son.  Forever.

This passage I randomly read the morning of December 15, 2004 before I went into surgery - 10 years later I am that rejoicing woman I had wondered if would ever exist. 

Isaiah 54:1-2 

Sing, barren woman,

    you who never bore a child;

burst into song, shout for joy,

    you who were never in labor;

because more are the children of the desolate woman

    than of her who has a husband,”

says the Lord.

Genesis sees his Mama for the first time