Remembering Judah

A year ago we found out that the baby we called Judah, was not going to come home to us.  I remember so clearly getting off the phone and feeling like I couldn't breath.  I remember quietly closing the nursery door.  I remember breathing prayer after prayer for him and his birth mom (who he wasn't with but we're praying he's back with her now).  I remember wondering who was holding him and willing him to feel as loved as he was.  I remember the moment I stopped pumping milk for him, and telling my Farmer Boy that I was done as tears ran down my face.  I remember feeling like such a fool for having loved him before we met him.  I remember the shocked emails from the social workers and their apologetic: "We didn't see this coming".  I remember returning to work a week later and a sweet co-worker giving me a white lily with tears in her eyes.  I remember students notes of love.  I remember a few comments that hurt about how we shouldn't have let ourselves hope so big, even when we were chosen for him.  I remember thinking how at least he was very prayed for by us in those weeks leading up to his birth, and how I was glad that I had allowed myself to love him because I knew it meant I would be praying for him for the rest of my life. I remember how waiting for him to be born I felt more like a mother than ever before in my life. I remember how I looked at the ultrasound picture one more time before deleting the files.  I remember waves of excitement being replaced with waves of grief.  I remember wondering how big he was, what he looked like, what kind of baby he was.

I still wonder.  Did he have a wonderful first birthday?  Is he walking and saying a few words?  Does he have a lot of hair?  How big is he?  What does he love to eat?  I'll probably always wonder things about him.  And that's ok.

The announcement we sent to family when we found out we were chosen and he was a boy!

I remember you today Judah.  And I'm still praying for you sweet baby boy.

Please join me in praying that he is able to be with his birth mom and that they are in a safe place now.