Assuming we know better than God

Someone said something to me today which has created quite an internal dialogue ever since. I know that this person didn't mean it the way it came out- but this is what was said: "God just needs to heal your body!"

OK.

I realize that this person cares about me and is just concerned with my never-ending physical suffering and just wants to see it relieved. I want to see it relieved too - very much in fact! But, this comment - and a million like it, remind me that we as humans can often assume we know what is best. We know what God should do! Since I have a firm belief in God I honestly find this confusing. How can we know what is best - how can we pretend to see the future and know what God should or should not do? We are humans - the creation - God is GOD the Creator.

In the book of Job a lot of these questions come up and the final argument that God gives to Job involves an in-depth look at creation and how the earth and all that is in it works - "where were you when I laid the foundations of the earth"(Job 38:4) ... for over 100 verses God explains to Job that He is GOD and that Job cannot even conprehend let alone judge the ways and wisdom of God. Finally in chapter 42 Job responds in humility and submission: "I know that You can do all things, and that no purpose of Yours can be thwarted, who is this that hides counsel without knowledge? Therefore I have declaired that which I did not understand, things to wonderful for me, which I did not know. Hear, now I will speak: I will ask You ,and You will instruct me. I have heard of You by the hearing of the ear; But now my eye sees You; Therefore I retract, and I repent in dust and ashes." (Job 42:106)

There are times when I am angry and fed up with physical pain. There are times when I argue with God. But every single time it comes back to this truth: God is GOD. I am NOT. And I fall in submission and worship of a God who is powerful enough to heal - but also powerful enough to work good out of pain. He knows best.

Pushing through

The past few days I have been far beyond tired - yesterday my rhumatologist said that it is likely a folic acid deficiency caused by one of my meds which I am on the maximum dose. It's hard enough to function when in pain all the time, but adding this extreme fatigue (which I already have continual fatigue) is just over the top.

Last night my husband wanted to go to Mission Fest Seattle - and I had been laying low as much as possible all day feeling horrible. But I decided that it was important to go and be a support since we both dream of missions working with orphans someday. I could hardly sit through the session I was so tired and in so much pain. But I realized that it was important for me to be there and so I pushed through it. There were moments in the 1.5 hour session that I thought I just couldn't stand another moment of this pain. But I just go through it somehow. I rubbed my arm and hand to distract my brain from going crazy with the pain .. and I made it through. After the session we walked around and looked at the displays featuring various ministries and mission organizations. We ran into a few friends who we had to catch up with and talked with a lot of people. And I left happy that I had gone. I could have missed it and there are times when it is just impossible to get out - but I am happy that I made it through and my heart was happy to have gone.

The unknown

"It's HUGE" .... not exactly the words that you want to hear coming out of your husband's mouth in regards to your hip! ... But it's true.
My left hip is 2-4 inches bigger than the right one. This happened 2 months ago and I was down for over a week with severe hip pain - I had had hip pain for over 2 years now but I just went about my life because I figured it wasn't too bad - at least it wasn't as painful as other things ...

So, 2 months ago I had a cortisone injection into the hip joint - and it seemed to really help - not totally but I could get off my face and my makeshift bed on the living room floor. Now for the last 5 days it has been acting up again and is; "HUGE" again. Tomorrow I go yet .. AGAIN to my rhumatologist to ask what else we can do - at this point I am ready to have my hip removed if it came to that - it is so painful and nothing takes it away. I also have realized lately that my body is going haywire again, and I dread going to the doctor tomorrow because it just feels it never ends and I am sure he is tired of it by now - I know I sure am ....

I don't know what the doc will say tomorrow - he may have nothing to say. He may have a new doc for me to try out - he may have new meds he may have more tests. Some of you may know your diagnosis - you may have an answer but for me I have some clear diagnosis but no answer for why all of these things have been attacking my body and then there are the total mystery things like my huge hip. I think that the unknown is the worst part. Not knowing what all this means, if I have to endure this pain forever - if it will get worse - if it will spread (which kinda makes me laugh thinking of my entire body being big and fat like this silly hip!)? I sometimes don't know how to handle it - but then I remember that I have a God who loves me and that HE KNOWS. I may feel covered with clouds and questions (and people who judge me and my health and spread rumors about me which is ever so helpful) -- but God sees it all and He knows what is going on at the root of all my physical pain. And what is even more comforting is that He also knows what is best for me. He loves me. I can rest trusting in Him.

What a relief!