The unknown

"It's HUGE" .... not exactly the words that you want to hear coming out of your husband's mouth in regards to your hip! ... But it's true.
My left hip is 2-4 inches bigger than the right one. This happened 2 months ago and I was down for over a week with severe hip pain - I had had hip pain for over 2 years now but I just went about my life because I figured it wasn't too bad - at least it wasn't as painful as other things ...

So, 2 months ago I had a cortisone injection into the hip joint - and it seemed to really help - not totally but I could get off my face and my makeshift bed on the living room floor. Now for the last 5 days it has been acting up again and is; "HUGE" again. Tomorrow I go yet .. AGAIN to my rhumatologist to ask what else we can do - at this point I am ready to have my hip removed if it came to that - it is so painful and nothing takes it away. I also have realized lately that my body is going haywire again, and I dread going to the doctor tomorrow because it just feels it never ends and I am sure he is tired of it by now - I know I sure am ....

I don't know what the doc will say tomorrow - he may have nothing to say. He may have a new doc for me to try out - he may have new meds he may have more tests. Some of you may know your diagnosis - you may have an answer but for me I have some clear diagnosis but no answer for why all of these things have been attacking my body and then there are the total mystery things like my huge hip. I think that the unknown is the worst part. Not knowing what all this means, if I have to endure this pain forever - if it will get worse - if it will spread (which kinda makes me laugh thinking of my entire body being big and fat like this silly hip!)? I sometimes don't know how to handle it - but then I remember that I have a God who loves me and that HE KNOWS. I may feel covered with clouds and questions (and people who judge me and my health and spread rumors about me which is ever so helpful) -- but God sees it all and He knows what is going on at the root of all my physical pain. And what is even more comforting is that He also knows what is best for me. He loves me. I can rest trusting in Him.

What a relief!