Often we think we know just what we need. We cry out to God begging Him to answer our cries for this thing we know that we need. I used to work at my husband's family farm. Out in a field weeding rows upon rows of baby crops I would cry out to God to bless this crop - bring in money that we desperately needed. Sometimes God would answer according to what I asked and we would praise God for listening to our prayers and giving us what we needed. Customers would pour into our little shop and purchase everything in sight. Covered with dust from the field, muscles aching from hours of hard work we felt that God loved us and we felt His smile on our labors.
Last year, my husband and I prayed hard that God would financially bless the farm so that we could make a living as newlyweds. We wanted to stay there. We longed to see His face in our daily work. We waited. We cried out to Him. Then, I got sicker right after our wedding. Finances dropped from the previous year, but still we prayed. It got to the point that I couldn't work really at all. I felt so guilty for leaving the rest of the crew to do my share - but there was nothing I could do about it. I sat at home on the couch praying that God would heal me and let me go back to the fields that I loved. I missed working beside my husband. But God said no. Finally, when we had prayed all winter spring and summer for God to show us what to do and provide finances for us to know we could continue, in the fall we had our answer. My husband had to work elsewhere again - and God provided enough work and free housing to get us through the winter, but barely. We had put out our fleece and God had answered for us. It wasn't the answer we were comfortable with. But we knew without a doubt that it was the answer - and we were comfortable knowing that. My husband felt God's clear call for him to get more schooling to pursue our dream of missions - a dream I thought would involve the farm. God made it clear in many ways - most of which were incredibly painful, that it was time for us to step away from the farm, and to move off the Island that we loved.
Now we're living in a basement apartment which is plagued with spiders - BIG fat spiders which make me gasp when I see them. Our flooring is crumbling under our feet and it's FREEZING down here. Did God lead us here? We feel certain of it. Is it easy or comfortable? Definitely not. We hear news of the family farm continuing on and changing. We see our fingerprints fading away and it brings tears to our eyes. We miss those sun-filled days on the farm gathering arm-fulls of flowers and summer squash. But we know that this is where God has put us for this time. Will God ever give back farming to us? We pray He will, someday, somewhere. Did He take it from us because it was an idol in our hearts? Possibly. We certainly have seen things with different eyes since stepping away. At times we miss it with every breath... and in the same breath we trust Him to answer according to what is really needed.
"We'll give thanks to You - with gratitude, for lessons learned in how to trust in You." ... Nicole Nordemen - listen to the link to her song which probably expresses what I am trying to say better than I have ...