This Moment

Yesterday a the sweet mother of some of our very best friends went to be with Jesus after a very long battle with cancer. We knew that she was probably going to heaven very soon, and that God had not healed her on earth, even after so many prayers and her beautiful faith (which again is a testimony that God does not always heal while we are on earth), but it still was a shock to hear that she is no longer here. Today I have been overwhelmed by the knowledge that she is seeing Jesus face to face in heaven. She is free of pain. She is free of all things suffering. And that all of us who believe in Jesus as our Savior will one day see her again and be there in heaven forever worshipping God alongside this beautiful woman. I am rejoicing in the total freedom she is experiencing right now.

I've said it over and over, and I am sure I'll say it again: this world is NOT all there is!!! The pain that you are facing today - physical, emotional, spiritual, is only for a short time in relation to eternity. Some people might think that this attitude would make me throw in the towel on life here on earth. It is full of pain. It is full of tears. BUT - the hope of heaven gives me so so much energy to live well on this earth. To not focus on the pain or suffering, but rather to grow in trust of the God who knows best and who offers to all a life eternal in heaven someday. The reality is that every one of us will die (unless Jesus returns before that day) and none of know when that will be. Last night my sweet husband and I were talking about death, and how you never know when your last moment will be on this earth. I have had two respiratory arrests in the last 5 years. I totally stopped breathing and they did mouth to mouth to keep oxygen in my body until I started breathing on my own. I could have died. I could stop breathing at any moment. So could you. I am so thankful for those times when I realized that it could be the end of my life on earth. I am thankful because it helps me to try to live all for Jesus since I don't know when it will be over for me on this earth. I don't want to waste a moment. That doesn't mean that I never do waste a moment - I definately have times when I am not livng the way I should and am wasteful of what God has given me. But, with the reminder that earthly life is so short, I am all the more determined to live in this day to bring a smile to the face of God by loving Him and others with my moments.

Time and Prayer

We talked about sharing what we have in Sunday School this morning. My husband and I aren't the richest people in the world. This morning was a reminder of that once again. It's humbling to need help and to be helped by others - but also so encouraging. I wish we didn't need the help - but we do at times. I have had so many wonderful people in my life who have helped pay off doctor, hospital and medication bills. Do I wish that I could have paid them off myself? Of course. I hate being seen as someone who needs help - financially or any other way. I long to serve the world around me too.

I also don't have the physical energy or wellness to enable me to do a ton of visiting and hanging out with people. It's probably the thing that is heardest about having pain every day. I want to be able to jump into my car (assuming I had one) and go drop off meals to friends in need, or just go and encourage someone who is hurting. I want to be able to baby-sit every day for people who need a break from childcare. But the reality of my life is that I can't do as much as I would like. It might be hard to understand that even sitting and chatting with friends could cause me to be unable to function much for a couple of days. A day shopping almost always takes a day or two to recover from. I am willing to take that risk of increased pain and I do plan and do things - because otherwise I would never interact in person with anyone. I love having people over to our home, I love hanging out with family and friends - but I cannot do it as much as I would like to - or what's worse as much as others would like me to do. There are limits that I fight against, but am trying to be wise with what I am able to do without inhibiting me to do all the things I need to do to be a good wife and not end up in the ER.

BUT I do have something that many people would just drool over - and that is TIME. Because of my life and being unable to work much outside of the home and because of the fact that I need down time to be able to stay functioning - I end up with lots and lots of time where I am just alone and stuck in my house - or even stuck laying down in bed. I have battled against this time over and over again. I sometimes feel guilty when pretty much everyone I know is rushing around like crazy so so busy that they don't have time for anything. But, I am realizing that I need to rejoice in this gift God has given me of time. It is a resource - and although I don't have much money to give to those in need, or even physical presence to be somewhere all the time ministering to those in need - I have time and it is precious. I sometimes look at the limits that are on that time and feel like it is useless. I am pretty much "trapped" in this basement that I live in (and some of that is because I am caring for my elderly Grandmother who needs someone to just BE here to help her stay safe) and I have at more times that I would like given up on using my time to bring glory to God or to help others (these two are often intertwined). So, I am trying to learn to use these hours that could just be lonely hours of wasted time. If I really believe that prayer is as powerful as I say it is, then why am I not praying more for those who need it (which is everyone). I can name right now several families who are getting ready to say good-bye to loved ones battling cancer. I know of so many kids who are struggling in broken homes, or dealing with poverty. I have seen the faces of those who have no hope. I know personally people who are questioning the very existence of God. And yet I have the stupidity to think that my hours of "free" time are useless? Let me get on my knees and come before the Creator of this whole earth - and each person in it, and let me pray with passion for the needs of people around me. My time is a gift. May I use it to encourage others, to do something worthwhile.

What kind of person do you want to be?

Have you ever known someone who made you feel guilty for being happy? You know: the kind of person who you feel like you can't talk about how good your life is because at every turn they are sharing a horrible story about how bad theirs is? Who complain non-stop about everything: "My wife spends too much money", "I couldn't get the new car I really wanted", "my kids are such a pain." Tell me if this doesn't resound true to you because, sadly, I don't think this is an uncommon problem.

I remember a turning point in my life where I was with one such person and they were complaining non-stop about every little thing. I often would feel the need to complain when I was around this type of person - like I didn't want to make them feel bad that I had joy in my life when they couldn't grasp hold of it. But, instead of joining in, all of the sudden I realized that I didn't have to be dragged down to that level myself. I realized that rather than feel the need to validate the complaining attitude, I could instead acknowledge that no life (apart from when we are in heaven) is perfect and that although life is full of pain and heartache, it doesn't mean we cannot choose and seek the joy that only God can bring. I realized in that moment, that I had actually allowed this person the power over my very outlook on life - and rather than fighting for joy against all odds, I had been sucked into the idea that I had to feel guilty for enjoying life.

Now, I am not claiming to have mastered (by any stretch) living a joy-filled life in every trial and every pain. I definately have times when I am down-right depressed over the suffering in the world and the pain in my body. Nor do I claim that because of this turning point do I never allow other's to drag me down with negativity. BUT, I think that realizing that I can choose to fight for joy and REJOICE in the joy and hope that God offers every one of us, has been so liberating for me. It is definately a journey; but one that I am excited to take. I don't want to ever be the one dragging others down. I want to allow the joy that God offers to spill over onto those around me and for this to cause those who are down-trodden to be able to look to God and find even a tiny bit of hope for a joy-filled life. If I have ever (and I am sure that I have) made any of you feel guilty for the smile that you had on a day when I was crying and unable to see that hope and joy - I am so sorry. Thank you for walking with me through this journey. May we all look to God for our strength and our smile.