Sunday, October 7, 2012

Of Autumn Leave and the Beauty in Disappointment

Everyone else was sound alseep as I crept around the house getting dressed and quietly snuck out to my car.  I would have loved to sleep in on this chilly Sunday morning (well ok, I did sleep in by many standards but since we don't get to bed til about 2 every morning it's all relative), but I knew it was my only chance to get out on my own to do a long needed grocery shopping trip. 

The sun was shinning as I pulled out of the driveway (trying to ignore the yard work that desperately needs to be done) and headed to the store.  There is something so freeing about driving all alone and enjoying the quiet alone time with God.  It's a rare time that I get to be out of the house on my own and I am trying to just enjoy the blessed little moments when God reminds me that even in this "waiting room" season of our lives there is beauty and joy and that even in the less than perfect life, He remains good.

Yesterday my Grammie and I took a drive to look at the leaves turning.  I remembered that last fall we had "accidentally" stumbled across the most enchanting road where the autumn leaves were completely covering the road like a brilliant tunnel of light.  Even though they hadn't all turned yet both Grammie and I were overcome by the beauty of this season and the reds, colds, oranges of the leaves against the blue and sunny sky took our breath away.  The season of Autumn is one of the most beautiful ones out there (well, in my opinion they are all beautiful in different ways) - but I can't help notice that the beauty of the Autumn leaves is the beauty of death.  The vibrant green of spring and summer is over and this year's leaves are dying and falling to the earth where they will rot and be forgotten.  And even that process is beautiful.  We wouldn't see the colors of fall if the leaves never died.  And that's kind of how I feel about this part of our lives.  I feel like every day I am dying to what I want - what I feel like I can't live without.  I am forced by our circumstances to not be in the place of life I wanted, that I expected and felt like I deserved.  I don't honestly know that everything will work out and we'll be parents ever.  I don't know that my husband will get a good job when he is done with school (we sent our letter of interest many weeks ago to a school we really wanted and have not heard back).  I don't know that we will ever be able to fulfil dreams we have of working overseas with orphans, or having a place to call our own - a little farm with a cute old fashioned house.  I don't know for sure what will happen with my health.  I don't know. And every day those questions make me feel a "little death" which is what disappointment feels like.  We're in this waiting room season of life when all our hopes and dreams hang in the balance and we cannot do one thing to make it go faster.  Is this season easy?  Nope.  Do we long for our Someday Babies with an aching desire every day?  Yep.  Can we wait for the day when we're both out of school?  Hardly - but we're working on it.  Is God good?  Always.  And in this time of waiting in our lives, when our dreams feel like they are dying more every day, there is great beauty that we would never see if it wasn't for this season of Autumn.  And we see His goodness even more because of the falling leaves.

The last 3 or so weeks have been a real challenge for me.  Since the battery died in one of my nerve simulators my pain level has sky rocketed.  I had secretly wondered if when it died I would be just fine - maybe the condition healed itself over these years - but when the pain came back I knew that this burden has not been lifted from me and it's a disappointment.  It's funny how I could forget within the last 5 years how much pain I used to live with every day that I don't have now.  It's at least double from what I experience on a regular basis.  It's been a shocker to wake up almost every night with searing pain again, and to have to breath through pain many times a day.  If any of you used to read back when I started the blog - my focus 3 years ago was to learn to live well with chronic pain - over the past few months I've started talking more about adoption and that process but chronic pain is (and probably always will be on some level) part of my experience.  And even though I would love to say that I never have pain that scares me with it's intensity, no matter how much I would love to be completely free from any physical weakness - I do, and I am not.  I'm super super happy for treatments like diet modification, vitamins, the nerve simulators etc.  I'm so glad that God has given me good tools that make living with this easier and allow me to be fully functioning (I mean I'm working 16 plus hours and on call all night every day of the week with an occasional break . AND completing my degree, AND owning my own floral business!!)!  Having the extreme pain again makes me so much more grateful that I don't have this every day anymore, but I sure would love to be free completely.   I would love to not need to have surgery every couple years.  Is God still good?  Always. 


I am so thankful for moments like yesterday and moments like this morning when I feel an almost tangible hug from my God and I know that He is forever good.  I'd not mind getting up while the world sleeps every day to be reminded of this truth.  And I'll never look at the falling leaves the same.

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