Saturday, October 25, 2014

The white bunny, and facing fear of loss

There is a white bunny in our yard.  She's been there for about a week, every day we see her munching on grass at the edge of the jungle.  But, I am avoiding her.  Because I don't want to make her run away.

She was here for a couple weeks about a year ago as well, and that time I would talk with her and spend time trying to get her to eat from my hand.  One day I took some kale from our garden and held it out and she came up to me and ate it right out of my hand!  I was so excited!!  But, the next day she was gone.  I looked and looked and called for her for days.  I felt like it was my fault that she left.

There is a song that says: 
"Staring at the bottom of your glass
Hoping one day you'll make a dream last
But dreams come slow, and they go so fast

You see her when you close your eyes
Maybe one day you'll understand why
Everything you touch surely dies

But you only need the light when it's burning low
Only miss the sun when it starts to snow
Only know you love her when you let her go

Only know you've been high when you're feeling low
Only hate the road when you're missing home
Only know you love her when you let her go

Staring at the ceiling in the dark
Same old empty feeling in your heart
'Cause love comes slow, and it goes so fast

Well you see her when you fall asleep
But never to touch and never to keep
Cause you loved her too much, and you dived too deep

(Lyrics by Passenger)

The line that says: "Everything you touch surely dies" went through my mind when the bunny ran away.  And, this time I just have been enjoying seeing our little fluffy friend from afar. I don't want to get too close and make her leave again.

I feel the same way about adoption.  Over the past 5 years we have had several adoption possibilities/opportunities presented to us.  And every time, we have ended up loosing a baby we dreamed of, a baby we hoped would stay in our heart forever.  It sometimes feels like if we pursue a specific adoption, we doom it to fall apart. Will we ever be parents?  It hurts so bad when it doesn't happen, and even though we believe the children we have loved are where they should be, we miss the dream of them being in our life.  How can you keep hoping and dreaming when it keeps falling apart?  It sometimes makes me want to stop trying so that I can protect my heart from feeling so empty when a dream leaves.

But, you know what?  If I had given up the first 7 times I tried to walk, I would be crawling around still.  If I had stopped being with people because I was so petrifyingly shy I would never have had any of the friendships of my life.  If I had stopped driving when I was learned and people were honking behind me for going so slow - I wouldn't have enjoyed the thrill of driving with the windows down.  If I had been too afraid of relationships ending I would have never considered that out of my league handsome Farmer Boy so many years ago.  If I had given up when I was learning to drive the tractor I wouldn't have tilled the field. If I had been too concerned about trying a new career, I wouldn't have the joy of being a teacher at a wonderful school.

So, even though I'm scarred spit-less, I'm going to continue to say YES to the adoption situations that come our way. Yes, it will hurt like hell every time an adoption opportunity falls apart, every time we are not chosen, every time we have to make the hard choice to walk away ... but good things usually require hurt somewhere along the line, and it's so worth it.

I think I'll go ahead and try to feed our little bunny guest tomorrow.  Maybe she'll decide to stay this time.