In the last 30 hours 2 sweet baby girls have been born to friends of mine. Every time I look on facebook I see pictures of newborn babies or ultrasound pictures, or see another pregnancy announcement. I am SO genuinely happy for every one of these families who are welcoming children into their homes. But last night as my Husband wrapped His strong arms around me (after I could hardly pull myself away from looking at the beauty of another newborn baby) I told Him I just want to not feel like I can't breath because the desire to have a baby is so strong. It feels like knowing I will never carry a baby inside me, never see what my Husband and my biological children would look like, never hold that brand new baby that I gave birth to ... it just feels like I'm in a nightmare that I can't wake up from.
Shouldn't it feel better by now? It's been 7 years now since I knew I would not be able to have a baby.
No physical pain comes close to this kind of loss. I've only felt it with 3 circumstances in my life: 1. when someone I love deeply choose to turn their back on God (by far the worst pain I have ever felt) 2. when I thought I wouldn't spend my life with my Farmer Boy, and 3. when I knew having a biological child would never happen for us.
I want SO badly to not have these feelings about not having children. I feel selfish for hurting for this reason when others are hurting far worse all around me. I want to rejoice in the birth of my friend's babies without feeling any sting of what I will never have. I'm definitely not perfect, and I know that on some level grief over the losses of life that are part of living in a fallen world is good. I realize that every pang of longing for what we don't have (health, children, loved ones that have gone to heaven before us ...) can be used by God to remind us that this world isn't all there is and it isn't our REAL home. I want to allow the pain in my life to always turn my eyes to eternity and to the Lord who has given me more than I deserve here on earth and into forever with Him.
Such kissable cheeks!! (nephew)
Don't get me wrong: I DO rejoice in the beauty of God's creation in the babies He has given to those around me (and I am so grateful for them sharing their babies with me - I can't get enough of precious babies!!) .. I just want to not feel anything other than that rejoicing. I want to always remember that when I am rejoicing over God's blessings in my life that someone else might be hurting or longing for what I have been given. I think the best way to help when the pain is too much to bear is to list out the blessings God has given to me, and just rejoice in what He has given to those around me without giving way to bitterness that He hasn't given me the same blessings. It's a process of learning and I want to always be open to learning every day to be more thankful. I know that I am being brutally honest here about how it feels for me walking through this road as a "babyless mother" (because I feel like I was made to be a mama). I want those who are going through this to know that you aren't alone, and to not give up growing and never ignore the beauty God can bring out of the ashes of your broken dreams.