Tuesday, March 29, 2011

step back and see Him

A disclaimer: this is a moment of how I felt this day. NOT at all a real view of my every day or every moment. But I think the lessons in this are real and might help some of you too ...I've been researching and contacting every doctor in the area specilizing in a particular illness which my cardiologist, naturopath and primary care doctor all think I need to pursue. It's really tiring. Sending emails, calling, waiting on hold, asking questions, writing down pricing, writing down testing, calling the labs ... it's TIRING and feels like a part time job. I know that this kind of going back and forth with doctors, insurance companies, pharmacies etc is very common with those in chronic pain or with chronic health issues. I often just give up and don't do all the paperwork and phone and leg work required to see all the different specilists and look into different treatments etc. It just feels too overwhelming. When you aren't feel good dealing with phone calls, emails and paperwork is the last thing you want to do - let alone trying to figure out the budget to cover expencive tests and treatments. Right now I feel pretty hopeless that I will ever get done with all I need to, and that I am fighting a loosing battle with my insurance and finances. I feel like throwing my hands in the air and giving up. I feel like wrapping myself in a blanket and sleeping for the rest of the week. But these things are not an option. One thing I have been learning is that no one else is going to do these things for me. My doctors work hard on my case and do all they can (most of the time) to even put in extra time looking for ways to help treat me - but when it comes down to it, I am my only advocate to make sure that things get done - records get where they need to be, appointments get made, tests are run, medication is ordered and taken, my diet is followed, vitamins are taken and everything is paid for. Again, it feels totally impossible to me - IN THIS MOMENT! If you think I feel like this all the time you're wrong! But even those who have no physical pain or illness have times when you feel the pressures of life are too much - and I am no different. BUT in those fleeting moments when it feels like too much paperwork, and too much to do to take care of my health - God is very present, if I take the time to allow myself to see Him.

The ways I can take the time to see Him in my daily life is to step back when I feel overwhelmed and take a little break. Play the piano, take a nap, read some Scripture verses and most of all talk with my God who is with me every step of the way. I am SO grateful that I have a lot of opportunities to take time out and seek Him in my life. He is not limited by finances the way that we are. He is not limited by time. He is not limited by ANYTHING - and He loves ME and will do what is best with all these details that feel (at this moment) like they are spinning out of control. If you are faced with overwhelming things today - things you need to do, bills you need to pay etc. take some time to step back and just breath deep. God has you and me in His very capable hands. He is 100% capable of doing what we feel is too hard.

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