Sunday, August 28, 2011

When are we done?

Last night I was working alone on wedding flowers (which I LOVE doing).  I had the Christian music station on the radio and a song came on that had a line in it about a baby having his daddy's eyes.  Out of absolutely nowhere I felt a crushing pain in my soul - that longing, broken kind of pain that takes your breath away - and the tears filled my eyes.  In the same moment I felt annoyed for feeling that pain over something that I have been dealing with for over 5 years.  I wished for this pain - the pain of being unable to have a baby biologically - to be over, for it to be healed and gone.  I've had physical pain a lot longer than the pain of loosing the ability to bring a child into the world, and the second pain is infinitely greater.   I know without a shadow of doubt that God will and is redeeming this loss and that He is going to use this to bring something beautiful into our lives.  I know that adoption is beautiful and that if God is willing we will have children someday.  I KNOW all of these things, but the pain of not being able to carry a baby - to have a baby that has my sweet Farmer's eyes is real and very vivid.  I want to be done with it.

I've had this same longing to be done when it comes to physical pain as well.  Several weeks ago when the specialist brought up the very likely possibility that what is causing all these health issues is something more complicated and less curable than we were hoping, I just felt like "WHY can't we be done - we've been down this road too many times already!"  I get the feeling sometimes that people are so sick of me being "sick" that I back off on friendships because I am tired of being unreliable and I'm so scarred that people will get so sick of me that they will leave.  I sometimes push myself too hard because I despise what people must think of me.  Yes, there are relationships that have stood the test of time and there are people who I know will stand by me through rain or shine.  For those people I am so thankful.  But I just find myself wanting to be done with all of this.  Why can't suffering and trials just take a break? 

Then I remember Jesus. 

Even though He is God He came to earth and suffered.  Yes He suffered the worst death I can imagine - but even before that He suffered living a life without the comforts we long for - he wasn't wealthy, He didn't even have a home of His own, all His life people questioned Him and even tried to kill Him many times before they finally did.  He had to flee for His life, spent 40 days and nights fasting in the wilderness (that alone would be the death of me!), tempted by Satan - and in His dying moments He was taunted and spit upon - the very Son of God!  ANY suffering that you or I endure on this earth pales in comparison.  What got Him through?  Love.  He came to show God's love to a needy world, and in those moments of pain and suffering (mental, physical, and emotional) I am sure that love motivated Him to keep going.  If Jesus is to be our example of how to live we need to find the motivation we need to keep going even when we long so deeply to be done with pain.  When the pain of wanting children of our own is too much, I just picture the eyes of Baby Brenda - an orphan in Cameroon who I loved deeply.  Her eyes will always haunt me and call me to a love that goes outside of myself.  When I think my physical pain disqualifies me from LIVING my life I think of the sweetest Husband in the world and I suddenly have the strength to be all that I can be and to serve my Husband with love.  

Love is a great motivator so embrace the example of Jesus today no matter what you are facing. 


  1. Hey Ali! Always praying for you after I read an entry. I have my own health issues although not as severe. Anyway, I am getting tested for Lyme disease by a lab that has more sensitive testing then regular labs. I thought you may want to check into it. If you do have any questions about it email me at I'm sure you get advice all the time but I thought if you were interested it'd be worth it :) God bless!

  2. Hi Nicole - Thanks for your sweet comment and your prayers! I actually was tested by Igenex and the lyme specilist said that there is a slim chance I have lyme but the tests are negative. She also said that because of my other tests auto-immune is still on the table so waiting for test results to try and determine which of the two things: infection or auto-immune is causing all my conditions. Thanks so much and praying that you get some answers for something curable through Igenex!