I didn't expect the year to be ending like this. I'm laying here quite sick and just wondering what will happen. It's been a hard couple of month even though I'm enjoying getting settled in over here with our new church, and our little home becoming more and more homey. I want everything to work out and me to get better and better so that when Joshua is out of school we can adopt a baby right away. Feeling this bad makes me question all of those dreams.
When I started this blog on January 1 this year I couldn't have forseen all that 2010 would bring. I didn't know that they would finally put a name to what was making my chest hurt so bad, I didn't know so much of what has happened - "good" or "bad" (I put those words in quotations because often what we think is good or bad is really different than what is ultimately good or bad according to God's plan). I'm glad that I couldn't see ahead to what would happen. I probably wouldn't have walked through many doors if I knew the pain and responsibility they would bring on me. But, God has been present in 2010 and He has been breathing his breath of peace and blessing in so many ways in the midst of pain and hardship. I couldn't ask for more. I set out to learn to live well and god-honoring life this year while dealing with chronic pain - to live a different kind of happy than the empty happiness that the world offers. I learned so much and am so grateful for every step. I haven't really decided what to do with this blog on January 1 2011. When I started I didn't anticipate continuing after a year, so we'll just have to see how God leads. But I am so grateful for all of you that have been faithful to read and comment and encourage me on this adventure. I know I should have waited until New Year's Eve to write all of this - but I needed to put words to what I am feeling.
And although right now I am questioning all the dreams I have held onto in 2010, there is one dream that I know will never leave me. And it's my favorite dream.
I dream of waking up in a place where there is no more pain, no more sickness, of looking up and seeing the face of the God I adore more than any word or music can express. I dream of dancing free of any hindrance of sin, sickness, shame, self-consiousness .. dancing free as a bird before that holy throne of God. I dream of singing with every one who has ever (and will ever) served the Most High God. Singing songs with no end in perfect harmony. I dream of walking by the crystal sea with those I loved here on earth - our relationships perfected in that glorious place. I dream of seeing the fulfilment of my deepest hopes realized in the pure and forever fellowship with my Redeemer.
THIS is the dream I leave 2010 holding onto with all my might. And I know that no matter what, that dream will never be taken from me. It's what really matters to me, and so I will walk into 2011 with confidence and JOY seeking every day to live worthy of the Redeemer I live to love.