Thursday, December 2, 2010

Thankful today ...

It makes so much difference to be walking through illness with people you can trust. My husband has been amazing - always encouraging and loving no matter how sick or incapacitated I am on any given day. Going to doctors can be extreamly stressful, especially when there are so many unknowns. For years I went to doctor after doctor and hospital after hospital and was told told after time again that the pain in my chest was nothing. Finally this spring I was able to go to a cardiologist who actually took the time of day to look into my case, and after one test he was able to diagnose what has been causing the pain in my chest: pericarditis. This diagnosis comes with more questions that answers because as he said "pericarditis is a symptom of something - it's like a fever" .. swelling around the heart is caused BY something and in my case since I have many bodily organs and systems that are affected by disease the underlying cause is likely systemic. Just having a doctor who takes the time to look hard and to keep seeing you even when you are a "comfusing case" is encouraging.

Humility when dealing with illness is also important: today my cardiologit said that he feels I need to find some kind of diagnostician (where is Dr. House when you need him?!) because local doctors are not equipped to deal with the complexities of my health which may very well be some sore of rae disease. I love humility - and sadly in the medical profession I have seen that it is rare.

But ultimately, the greatest comfort to me is that even if no one on earth EVER knows what is "wrong" with me - that God knows. He knows me inside and out and He knows how to heal - He could just speak the words and I would feel immediate relief. The thought brings tears to my eyes as I type this. How I long for relief from the physical pain that is part of every moment for me, but how much more I long for relief for my husband from feeling helpless to fix me, from the disappointments in his life due to my health - from the things he has given up (things he knew about before and things that may happen in the future) in his life to be with me and my imperfect body. I want him to have a healthy wife. BUT - although part of me longs for that, my trust in God is bigger. I know that God could heal me this moment. But I know that at THIS moment His answer is no. I am not healed. I am not free of pain and illness. And I trust that He knows what is best for me, and my husband, and the world around us that we seek to serve. Even if my doctor didn't have compassion, and humility and stubbornness - I would still have the God - the Creator of all the universe loving and doing what is BEST.

What peace this brings ...

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