I honestly never wanted to be part of this club. This "chronic pain", or "health issues" or "undiagnosed conditions". I grew up with the mentality that we all just need to be tough and that it is not ok to let others know when you are hurting. I thought only weak people would be sick or hurt and so I grew up thinking that I must be a wimp. And maybe I am. Lately I have spent a lot of time with someone who makes me feel insecure about being "sick", this person makes it not secret that they hate it when people are "puny", and I am sure that they thinks I am a puny one. I am. I get tired just walking up the stairs, and when everything is flairing up with my heart and stuff (like it has been this week), I am looking pale and can hardly get the energy and breath to do a lot of the stuff I usually - let alone going have any kind of social life! This is one of th sweetest people I know, so of course wouldn't tell me to "buck up babe", or tell me that I am a wimp. But this morning when I said that I will be going to my cardiologist on Thursday, this was the reply I got: "It's always something with you isn't it". Yes, and it frustrates me to no end that just when my hip is stopped swelling, my heart acts up, and just when that stops my liver get inflamed ... But I try to not to say much of what is going on with my health, but sometimes I have to mention it because of our schedules etc. At times like this I just want to sink into a whole and not be involved with anyone. I want to just be alone so that no one needs to feel awkward or pity me or treat me like some kind of weirdo. I am not sure what the lesson is for me here, maybe humility.
I guess part of my wanting to do this blog was to try and tell the world that even though I am in pain and sick all the time, that I am NOT giving in, NOT giving up, and that I am deterined to make the most of this life I have been given. I want the world to see that those of us in this pain club have a choice to make to choose to rejoice in the strength of God displayed through our weaknesses, to choose a different kind of happiness in a world whose focus is on external things to bring happiness.
This month I was honored to find that my blog had been chosen among a large number of bloggers writing about chronic pain to be included in a chronic pain carnival on another blog. I was honored that someone I don't even know picked an entry in my blog to post on her carnival page.
But at the same time part of me was fighting against wanting to be acknowledged in this community. I want it - but on the other hand, it brings back all the things I have fought against all my life of not wanting to be seen as having pain. I know that probably sounds funny since I have my own blog openly talking about God's strength through my chronic pain and illness ... but there are moments when I just want to run away to someplace where no one knows that I have pain and hide my life away for no one to see. I know that God is calling me to speak His truth and His healing into this world of chronic pain, and that He calls me to be honest and He is using me to encourage others .. but sometimes I just wish He would have chosen me for something else.