Wednesday, January 12, 2011

Maybe, I put too much excitment on my husband being with me for the spinal tap today. This morning just as we got near to the hospital for my spinal tap my husband quoted part of this passage to me: James 1:2 "Count it all joy, my brothers, when you meet trials of various kinds, 3 for you know that the testing of your faith(D) produces steadfastness. 4And let steadfastness have its full effect, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing." I didn't actually want to listen to that - because I am tired of testing and trials. I also didn't want to listen, because I was mad that the blessing of having him with me during the spinal tap had been taken away. His classes were un-cancelled this morning after our other ride to the hospital had made other plans. So, he dropped me off and I went to have that needle stuck into my spine all by myself. The trial intensified when I realized that I am horrible with directions and so ended up going up and down the elevator about 4 times before finding the correct floor. (note that elevators are horribly annoying when you are as dizzy and nauseated as I am) Then the doctor was not very nice to me - I didn't know what to say, amazing that I still get shocked when doctors treat me like I am wasting their time. So she went ahead and did the spinal tap - which was really not a big deal at all. A little freaky - and all I kept thinking was that I wish they hung a picture or something other than an electrical socket right on the wall I was facing as I laid there with that needle in my back. The funny part was when the needle was in my back, and she told me to move my legs down ... "Uuuuhhh .. WHAT? With a 6 inch needle in myside my spne???" My brain couldn't wrap around that one, but I did it and am still walking to tell the tale. ;) Then, I walked around the hospital and sat in various waiting rooms for 2 hours while I waited for Joshua to get out of school and come get me. The trial got to the crying point a couple times - like when I realized that I didn't have my wallet so I couldn't get anything to eat or drink and I was starving and feeling so dizzy.

I wanted my husband to be with me today. He wasn't. I wanted to get an answer that there was SOMETHING they could do to relieve this or give us more answers ... but we didn't. The answers to my prayers today were clearly: NO. BUT, in the midst of that, I did have the presence of God with me today. And when no one else could see the tears and fear and disappointment in me - He could. He is good - even when the answers are NO.

Maybe tomorrow the answer will be YES.


  1. Ali, Your post made me think of the apostle Paul:

    2 Timothy 4:16,17: "At my first defense, no one came to my support, but everyone deserted me. . . But the Lord stood at my side and gave me strength."

    I know your dear husband and your good friend didn't literally desert you, as it was circumstances beyond anyone's control that left you on your own this morning.

    I can only imagine the disappointment of having such tests as this one done, only to be told that they could find nothing wrong ---- and so you are left with more questions, and no answers.

    I highly recommend to you Elisabeth Elliot's book, "A Path Through Suffering: Discovering the Relationship Between God's Mercy and Our Pain." I am reading it right now, and just have 4 chapters left to go. It has ministered to me so much and has been such a comfort to me.

    This book has opened my eyes to a whole new --- and Biblical --- way to view suffering and has put my heart to rest as I continue to live with incurable health issues that I've been plaqued with (one for 23 years and one for 33 years.)

    I pray that the rest of your day is peaceful and that you can get some rest --- and may the Lord comfort you as only He can.

  2. Hi again! I love your comments - I will have to get my hands on this book for sure - can you email me your email address at I think you asked for my address and I can't find your email now ... I would love to hear more of your story!