Tuesday, January 25, 2011

Taking a Break

I try to be disciplined to use pumice rock on my heels every time I take a shower. I take up that stone and rub and hard as I can against and rough part on my feet wanting them to come out as soft and smooth as a baby's bottom. There are parts of my feet that are rougher than others, and some parts are kind of tender and don't like the pumice. But it is important to do it even though it isn't really fun.

I am learning (again) that God brings or allows some people and experiences into our lives to be a pumce stone to our heart that are prone to calloused rough spots. My husband and I have recently ran into a situation that is very much a pumice stone to us. A situation with lots of questions and hurt. I have been tempted to toss out the lessons I could learn from this because of things that were said that were hurtful and untrue. BUT, there are lessons I can take from this situation and one of those is that sharing about health issues is an open door to allow others to want to fix you and want to help. And also, that little bits of things people share through facebook and social networks are read in many ways and that I need to be more careful with what I say even to close friends. Things I say even just about my day or going to doctors may come across very wrong and people will come to conclusions about me and my health that are misled. This situation has also reminded me that I need to be constantly questioning my motives and never allow myself to look for sympathy or companionship in my pain unless trust has been earned - and to be careful that sharing honestly does't come out as complaining or wanting attention. That I need to turn to God more for He understands and He alone knows what I am dealing with - and He is worthy of the trust of my deepest pain. It is natural to want to talk to someone - anyone when you are hurting, and I have allowed my situation of being isolated and lonely to make me turn to friends I have that are also online when it isn't really the healthiest way to communicate.

I am so thankful for my big sister who helped me sort through some of the feelings I have been having and see where I can grow and change and to see where I need to forget what is not of God. To take the good and ignore the things that are uninformed and hurtful. I am definately a work in progress - and I thank those of you reading this for seeing that and being gracious. I know that when I began this blog and even years ago when I made up my mind to not hide the phyical illness that God had allowed in my life, that it would be hard. I never really imagined it would be THIS hard. At the moment, I don't honestly think it's been worth it, but that could just be my flesh talking. I wanted to believe that in my living as transparent as I could before my friends that they would see God giving me strengh in my weakness. I wanted to - as the Apostle Paul said: " most glady glory in my weaknesses that the power of Christ will be seen in me" (Corinthians my own translation)

This brings me to my conclusion for now. I need to take a break from this blog for a while - I don't know if I will ever come back honestly. I don't know if I will continue to put my thoughts about living well with pain out there, or if I will back off permanently. I have been so super happy about feeling a purpose through my pain with this blog - the last year and a bit have been the best for me as far as feeling accountable to choose joy and focus on God while in pain... but I am questioning everything now and just need a break to re-evaluate. You all have been so wonderful to read and to comment - and to be honest I am typing this with tears in my eyes because I have loved exploring this with you all and feeling like I was contributing something possitive to the world ... I will miss it deeply, and pray that it will be given back to me if that is what God wants. If any of you want to be in touch with me personally my email is aliwenz78@gmail.com

I need to remind you all to be careful who you trust with your illness and to be careful what you share and make sure that you turn to God ultimately before any human - He is the best and most trustworthy friend any of us could ask for. And finally, I do hope you all remember that there IS a different kind of happiness even in illness because of the Great God we serve.

2 comments:

  1. artistofmysoul@cox.netJanuary 28, 2011 at 6:55 AM

    This makes me very sad, Ali. I'm sorry that someone hurt you so deeply that you are stepping away from the ministry of encouraging others through the joy you experience while living with chronic pain. You have been an inspiration to me, and I will never forget you. ♥

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