Expected Life

Facebook is fun because you can see pictures of the lives of friends you have lost touch with over the years - see what their wedding was like, drool over their beautiful babies etc.  It's also fun because a few of my old friends and acquaintances are now bloggers and they share stories about their lives and mostly pictures of their families. 

Last night before bed I happened to look at the latest post of a childhood friend of mine.  She shared gorgeous photos of a beautiful baby boy .. their trip to the pumpkin patch, her husband carving pumpkins with the little guy ... just the cutest photos that made me imagine what her life is like.  She started off the blog by saying that when she was a little girl and pictured her life THIS is what she pictured.  She didn't know the details (who she would marry, what her baby would look like etc.) but she is living her dream life.  I am very happy for her - her family is gorgeous and their life looks beautiful (now I know that even the most "perfect" looking life has struggles and I am not saying her life is free of those by any means). 

Her words got me thinking as I went to bed last night.  My mind was flooded with pictures of a gorgeous little red-haired boy.  And I thought: what would it be like to be living my childhood dream?   When I was a kid I wanted first and foremost to be a mama.  I played house all the time, pretended to be pregnant.  I had lots of baby dolls and loved rocking them to "sleep".  As I grew into a teen being a mama was still my #1 goal.  I wanted as many kids as I could have.  Second to being a mom I wanted to be a missionary and travel to far off lands helping those in need.  But being a mama was always my first dream and my deepest dream.   Right now I literally have 9 friends posting pregnancy pictures on facebook - complaining about being "fat", sharing ultra-sound photos .. I have countless friends posting baby pictures - literally everywhere I look are more baby pictures.   And I can't help but feel like these friends are living MY dream!   (I am sure it was their dream too - or maybe for some of them it wasn't their original dream, but they do seem pretty excited about it now.)  Am I saying that people shouldn't share their baby news with me?  NO WAY!  I absolutely love looking at the adorable baby bumps my friends are sporting.  I spend a lot of time just enjoying the beauty of the babies my friends have made.  I treasure being brought into this exciting part of the lives of my friends.  But, to say that I never feel jealous would be a lie.  I questioned if I should even post this because I don't want my pregnant friends to read it and feel bad for the blessing growing inside them!  I don't want my grief of infertility to taint the joy of their fertility.  But, after talking with a friend who is also struggling with infertility I realized that it might be helpful to express some of depth of suffering involved with infertility.

Living my dream will never happen in the way that I dreamed it would.  I will never carry a baby inside me.  My sweet Husband and I are in a funny place right now - without a home of our own just trying to get him through school, unable to pursue adoption at this time .. our life is far from the dream and expectation I had as a child.

BUT, that doesn't mean that our life is bad.  There are beautiful things every moment that maybe we need to focus a little harder to see - but they are there.   God has given us wonderful people in our lives.  He has given us both very challenging ministries to people who are hurting in some way.  He has given us responsibilities.  He has given us the lives of beautiful nieces and nephews, god-children to be involved in and enjoy.  He has given us a warm place to stay (even if it isn't our dream farm house!).  He has given us laughter.  He has given us beauty in little things.  He has given us music.  He has given us a sweet garden.  He has given us a wonderful church.  He has given us opportunities for growth.  He has given us each other! (I often tell my Joshua that he is my dream that has come true and I am SO grateful for our marriage!)   He has blessed us beyond words even though for the most part, this life is not what we expected or dreamed.  

I rejoice for the life He has given us because I know He gives what we need even when sometimes as a spoiled child I feel like pouting that He didn't give me what I wanted.   May His grace transform my heart to want more than anything what He wants for me - for us.   For His dream to become my dream.