Tuesday, September 20, 2011

Ronnie Freeman - Satisfied

About 7-8 years ago this song came into my life at a time when I was really beginning to realize that my health issues would affect everything I had pictured about what my life would be. I needed to be told to be satisfied with God alone. It was a time that tested my faith in ways surprizing and painful as friendships ended, opportunities to travel were taken away, and even ministry that I felt called to ended. It was a time that led to a lot of loss in my life. It's been a chapter than has been repeated with different tones througout my life - my Daddy would call it the "death of a vision". When people I depended on left my life as quickly as they entered, when missions and ministry I took pride in being part of was taken - the vision I thought that God had given me was suddenly dark. In looking back, God DID give me that vision because if I hadn't been brought to that place of loss I would have missed out on so many of the gains God has given me! The knowledge of how to deal with pain (which I definately didn't have at that point which probably was the reason I lost so much and was misunderstood and judged), a deeper relationship with my precious Mama, closer friendship with my siblings, ministry at my home church (which would have ended if I had my way in becoming more involved in other ministry), time to focus on learning piano and writing my own songs (something that could only come out of solitude for my writing style), a zeal for helping others in chronic pain live WELL - as well as helping those without pain understand and treat people with illnesses more like they would want to be treated, my sweet HUSBAND! (in my vision I would have lived far away from that family farm where we fell in love and were married - oh I thank God all the time that THIS is the man who picked me as his wife!), and most importantly a deeper walk with my Lord Jesus Christ who IS the one who satisfies my soul, and also teaches me to long for more satisfaction in Him alone. I couldn't see at the time how all the loss in my life would become some of the biggest blessings and lessons of my life. Do I still sometimes miss what my life could have been? Yes. I would be lying to say that I don't occasionally imagine that life I dreamed of and wonder what a me without pain, traveling and teaching all over the world would look like (and I do dream of doing some of those things with my Husband someday). But it certainly doesn't consume me on any level - and I am very at peace with where God has me now - even though it is different from what I imagined. I need to remember this lesson, as I know loss is part of life and God desires to bring new things out of those that are lost. I already can see that my deepest loss: my ability to have children will be redeemed someday through the children God will put in our life through adoption or other means. The loss is still painful, but God creates sweetness through the pain. Being satisfied is something that only comes from God - but as imperfect humans we struggle with sin and selfishness to be truely satisfied even in the One who alone can satisfy us. This song was given to me again today, and I needed to be reminded of it again, and it won't be the last time.

I love how God as the Redeemer took things that did break my heart - to MAKE my heart what He wanted it to be (and this will continue)! I love how He uses things we feel are useless. I love how God is using me even though people may have thought God can't use a country girl without a college degree, without a special occupation, with pain every day of her life to bring glory to His beautiful name! I love the name Redeemer for my Jesus, because He has redeemed parts of my life that I thought had ruined my life. Is He satisfied with me? At first I thought this was theologically wrong because I am not perfect - but when I think of the blood of Jesus covering my sin - God sees me as IN CHRIST and my sin forgiven and He sees me white as snow. That's nothing I could do on my own. Do I desire to be pleasing to God every day of my life? Definately. We should never loose sight of the One we should be living for with every breath He puts in our lungs. May I live to be satisfying to my God so that on that day when I stand before His throne He will say: "Well Done."

And on that day when I see my Redeemer face to face, without the hindrances of sin and selfishness, without the distraction of physical pain - I will be totally and breath-takingly satisfied.

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