You know when you were a little kid and you had that amazing helium balloon? You were so excited about it and you wanted to show everyone. You wanted to take it with you everywhere and your mama tied it onto your arm so that it wouldn't fly away? Did the tie ever come undone and suddenly before your little hands could grasp it your precious balloon had slipped away - flying up to the clouds. It happened so fast, and you couldn't stop it. Do you know that feeling?
It isn't important why I feel like this all over again tonight. I am sure that lost dreams are a very common thing for every human - maybe more common with those of us with chronic health issues, maybe not. But whatever the case, I feel like my big beautiful balloon just slipped from my hands and my heart is broken .. again.
I'd be lying to say that I never ask God why. That I never scream into heaven for fulfilment of my dreams - like a spoiled child begging for what she wants more than anything. But even in those moments crying out to heaven from my broken heart I know that He is bigger. Bigger than my whys. Bigger than my tears. Bigger than my lost dreams. In moments like these, I feel so tempted to never dream again. What's the point right? I feel like I cannot stand another shattered dream. I mean, I'm only human! But, I also don't want to stop. I don't want to totally loose hope that dreams can come true (after all my sweet Husband is the one proof I hold onto that dreams DO come true!). And I don't want to loose hope in a God who is big enough to use dreams: broken or come true for His glory.
The only thing that keeps me from totally giving up on ever dreaming again, is the beautiful truth that God is the composer for the song of my life. I'm the instrument. No matter how many low notes there are in this song, He knows the beauty of low and high notes in perfect harmony. He will use these broken dreams - these low notes in my song - to bring glory to His beautiful name. I will keep dreaming - and He'll keep writing the song of my life. How I long for it to be beautiful music to His ears.