Today I began a hard treatment again. This particular treatment scares me- maybe because my Grandma was taking these exact pills the last couple years of her life. Or because I picture certain treatments as only used for cancer or terminal patients. So I feel a lot of sadness today. Sadness over the fact that the pain my body is in is unbearable at this time, and there is nothing else the doctors can offer to help with it. Sadness that the other things I am doing (exercise, diet, stress-relieving techniques, etc) are not enough to allow me to sleep through the pain and even exist without ending up in the Er from it. I feel grief because I know that some who read about this will judge me and think I am a wimp, or a drug-seeker or so many other things that I know are not true.
I feel deep deep sadness tonight.
Where is the joy in a day like this? The joy that I feel in this moment is just that this is not the end. Even if I was terminal this wouldn't be the end. This is just part of something so much bigger - something that the best moments of this life are only a shadow of. I have joy as I look toward heaven. And I have joy that God has allowed science to make medicines that can help relieve the pain when it is just too intense. Even if it makes me swallow my pride, He has allowed me this time of some relief while we are looking for a better answer for me. I have joy in Him.