I didn't get back on last night to post, and it is all I can do to sit here and type this morning. Today I am calling my doctor to talk about pain management as the pain is becoming unbearable.
Am I still happy? Yes. It is different than what the world would think happiness should appear. I'm sitting here in my PJs, it will be a miracle if I can get anything done around the house, I am in too much pain to talk on the phone or have a friend over ... I feel fear over how to deal with this pain and grief over all because of the limits this puts on my life.
BUT in the midst of it all I rejoice (and no I am not making this up!), I rejoice in the hope I have for an eternity someday without pain, without tears, without loneliness, without disappointments. I rejoice in the small things around me like the sound of the Canada Geese flying overhead, and the warm PJs I am wearing, of the thought of my sweet husband coming home tonight and the wonderful comfort he is to me in times like these ... I do rejoice! When the pain feels like it will consume me entirely, rejoicing is a discipline, a chore even, but it is possible and I am finding that out every day.
God is amazing to make joy in the middle of intense suffering!