Tuesday, January 5, 2010


It's early in the morning on Tuesday January 5, and I haven't slept a wink. This is not unusual for me, but nevertheless it always seems to make me feel out of place. Everyone else is sleeping (or so it seems) and the air is so quiet I feel like I can hear my own heart beating. Anyone who has physical pain knows that it can interfere greatly with sleep. But there is a choice to make every sleepless night: will I sit in angry silence wishing that I was sleeping like everyone else, or will I make the most of the extra time I have been given to do something productive or even just find ways to rest without being asleep? Tonight I have gone with option 2. I find that when I choose to be angry and sink into self pity that it doesn't do an inch of good and I waste all my time and feel even worse the next day.

So tonight (rather this morning) I decided that I would get some things done on the computer.  I do a lot of research - looking up healthy recipies, looking at things my doctors have told me to look into... look into getting my children's book published. This way if my pain is less tomorrow, or my body gives up fighting and lets me sleep, I can sleep in peace not feeling like I didn't get anything done. I often pay bills at night.

Sometimes I just am too tired or sick or too in pain to type or do anything that involves my brain. So in those times I focus on getting as cozy as I can on the couch and watch recorded cooking shows or Little House on the Prairie episodes until I can fall to sleep.  And while I do these things either getting stuff done or just resting, I carry on a continual conversation in my head with God and myself: "Lord help me get through this." "God thank you for being with me right now." "You can do this", "morning will come soon", "focus on something little" ... and that gets me through the nights.

Now, I definitely don't always choose the right way. Sometimes I am angry at my body for keeping me up, for being in so much pain, for how tired I will be tomorrow. I am so ashamed at how I feel sometimes. I am nowhere near perfect and I am afraid that in the days to come you will most likely see that side as well (I want this to be an honest look into my journey,) but I am happy that I am not angry tonight.

Well, I am feeling sleepy - maybe I will get a little bit of sleep tonight after all!

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